Sacrifice
by Pikachumaniac
Summary: When the four companions find themselves in Kurogane’s world, Kurogane finds himself torn between staying behind and the newly developing relationship between himself and Fai. Kurogane x Fai, complete.
1. 1

Final Disclaimer: Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE is the creation of CLAMP. I'm just borrowing the characters a bit. Referred translations include – but are not limited to – Hemuloki scanlations (volume one), Del Rey translations (volume two and three), and those found at http: hyu.flaming-wookie. net/ (volumes four through eight).

Sacrifice -When the four companions find themselves in Kurogane's world, Kurogane finds himself torn between staying behind and the newly developing relationship between himself and Fai. (Kurogane x Fai)

This story is separated into two major parts, one vaguely detailing the circumstances that Kuro-tan and Fai-san got together (read: fluff) while the second part makes up the bulk of the story by vaguely detailing the mental conflict Kuro-tan goes through (read: lots of fluff with minuscule amounts of angst inserted in odd places to make it seem more realistic) when choosing between his home and Fai. I'm not really going to go into why they make the perfect couple and how great they are for each other because I feel this is one of the more obvious couples (read: I'm lazy) and it's really not necessary (read: really, really lazy).

But something I do have to babble about endlessly is how much I owe Cairnsy-san. Not only did she inspire me to write for this series – and to love it period – but she withstood my scatterbrained tendencies in order to beta this story and make it much better than I ever could make it. Thank you so much. :)

* * *

If you were to ask Fai exactly how _it_ happened, you would probably be met by a large grin accompanied by an elaborate explanation. Most likely, it would have something to do with how he was simply too irresistible, and had consequently managed to seduce dear Kuro-tan in the manner of a snake charmer and a particularly poisonous and ill-tempered serpent. It was difficult but not impossible, and although it required a great amount of effort, the end result was certainly satisfying to say the least. Was it any wonder that dear Kuro-pipi had not managed to avoid falling for him, when one was as adorable as him? 

This explanation, of course, was precisely why Kurogane preferred for people to ask him about _it_, although to be frank he would rather that they not ask in the first place. Besides, his explanation was a lot simpler – he had kissed the blond in order to shut him up. Quite honestly, if he'd had to hear that damned 'Nyaan, nyaan, nyaan!' again, he would have been forced to go to extreme measures by killing the mage. Seeing how that would lower his strength because of Tomoyo's curse, and not to mention completely traumatize their two younger traveling companions, he'd decided that it would be easier to kiss Fai instead.

He hadn't really expected Fai to kiss him back.

So whatever way you chose to look at _it_, their 'relationship' boiled down to being the wizard's fault, although neither bothered to deny that Kurogane was the one who had initiated the kiss. The dark warrior really had no idea why he had done something so extreme, especially since he spent so much time trying not to kill the other man. When murder had suddenly mutated into expressions of love, he wasn't really sure, but that was water under the bridge because before he could blink, Fai was kissing him with an intensity that was really quite startling. It was almost as if the mage had been expecting this for quite a while, and was now finally capable of releasing whatever pent up emotions he might have been holding back all this time.

It had not taken very long for their clothes to go away after that. A lamp followed shortly after, although later both swore that it was the other's fault (Fai, being the better liar, pinned the blame on the ninja), but it was quickly forgotten in favor of each other. Everything felt urgent and desperate, as if they had accidentally put this off for too long. The hurry was slightly odd for Kurogane, who had always expected a lot more of… well, anything really. He wasn't much of a romantic by any stretch of the imagination, but in a way he was somewhat old fashioned. He thought there would be talking beforehand, a grownup discussion of the implications of what they were about to do. Kind of a ridiculous concept, but when you were surrounded by a bunch of stuffy nobles who seemed to require written contracts for deciding where to stand, maybe it was to be expected.

But common sense tends to give way to emotion, and it wasn't long before Kurogane, grinning like an idiot, found himself on top of Fai. The room was dimly lit but he could see the blond's face clearly, and he saw nothing in it. No silly smile, no eyes half-lidded with secrets, no layers, and no hidden sadness. Just the human being, just… Fai.

He couldn't help but pause to take all of that in, and it was that pause that saved them both. Without it, he might not have been able to hear the footsteps quietly coming towards them, and luckily he had enough presence of mind to shove Fai off of him, hissing that somebody was coming. It didn't stop the blond from pouting like crazy, but as long as the idiot was getting his clothes on, he didn't really care.

By the time Sakura stuck her head into their room, both were dressed – albeit a bit messily. He had to admit they would have made a pretty conspicuous pair if it hadn't been so dark, as Fai's complicated shirt still wasn't completely closed up and Kurogane's armor was more than slightly askew. Not to mention the fact that the flush on Fai's pale cheeks were remarkably evident, although he wasn't sure if that crimson had come from their prior actions or embarrassment at how _close_ they had come to being caught by Sakura of all people.

Luckily though, Sakura didn't notice as she worriedly asked about the crash she had heard, and was either of them hurt? Before Kurogane could respond, the blond was grinning madly and explaining cheerfully that Kuro-tan had accidentally knocked it over when he had drunkenly mistaken it for a giant black cat (1).

He had to tell himself repeatedly that at the very least he liked Fai, and you technically were not supposed to kill the people that you liked.

She left shortly after that, apparently satisfied by Fai's cheerful reassurances and Kurogane's gruff agreement. She hadn't even asked them more than once as she usually did when one of them had gotten hurt, but Fai just gleefully attributed that to Kurogane's personality.

As soon as they were sure that she was gone, the warrior had turned to the mage and growled. Fai just smiled, called him Kuro-tan again, and curled up around him with a small, contented sound before murmuring a quiet good night. Before Kurogane had ample opportunity to argue, the blond covered his mouth with a quick, affectionate kiss before completely zoning out. How the blond managed to get so comfortable when armor was generally considered to be painful to lie on, he never would know, but that was the farthest thing on his mind. If anything, he was feeling almost… bitter, as one never would have been able to tell that just a few moments before, they had been about to make love with the one-mindedness of bunnies. And just as suddenly, just like that, it was as if nothing had happened. What had happened, exactly? Was it suddenly decided that all of this was a mistake, or was it the idiot's way of avoiding something he found uncomfortable?

Neither explanation pleased Kurogane, and so he found it difficult to lean back and just sleep it off. Instead, he sat there with his back as straight as a board, listening to Fai's quiet breathing and trying to figure out exactly what had happened.

Maybe the 'Nyaan, nyaan, nyaan!' wasn't nearly as bad as he had made it out to be. It was a part of Fai, and if he was really going to be stupid enough to continue down this path to romantic involvement, it was something that he was going to have to get used to eventually. In fact, it might even be one of those parts that he actually preferred because at least the little sound was pure idiocy, unfettered by hidden meanings and all those secrets he had come to loathe.

That was the only part of Fai that he wanted to change.

Without ever saying anything, Fai's face and actions spoke such volumes about the things that were kept hidden away inside, things that would one day become too much to bear. It would destroy him, if Kurogane did nothing, and perhaps that knowledge was what prompted him to action.

The smiles, the teasing, the stupid little nicknames, and the perpetual tendency towards acting like an idiot were all things that annoyed him, but they made Fai… Fai. It was the mysterious enigma who was becoming close to destroying himself that he couldn't stand, especially since he knew that such a personality should not have rightfully existed beforehand. He didn't know what had happened before with this Ashura person, but should that man ever come after Fai, he was fairly certain that somebody was going to stop breathing rather quickly should he have any say about it.

Laying one hand on the gold locks, he smiled – or grinned wolfishly, really. He had no idea where any of this was going, if it managed to go anywhere in the first place. It was quite likely that in the end, they might both regret it. Considering how often they were at each other's throats… well, really it was always him at Fai's throat, although in his defense it was always Fai who brought it upon himself anyway, it didn't really seem like they were the most compatible couple in the universe. Unlike the brat and Sakura who – despite having sold their relationship for the sake of her life – seemed to bring the best out of one another, they seemed to act against each other in order to bring out what they wanted. The blond would bait him in a strange attempt to get him to loosen up, and he in turn would pry the layers away and expose the mage for who he was. It was uncomfortable, to say the least, and to start something together would only bring that out in full force.

But… would it really be that bad, if that should be the case? He would no longer have to force those many cracks open, if Fai could learn to trust him enough to tell him what was going on. Right now, the cracks just kept building and eventually it would all break down if the wizard continued to ignore them instead of attempting to fix them and make himself whole again.

Ah, well. One step at a time, perhaps, was what they really needed to focus on. The things that he needed to do to save the mage would come slowly, but they required a certain level of faith that came with giving up a part of yourself to the other person before anything could really come out of it. For now, it was probably best for them to just sleep. Tomorrow they would be whisked away to a new world on the hunt for Sakura's feathers, and when night came, they could continue to figure things out. Hopefully then they would be able to have the grown-up conversation about whether or not they knew what they were doing, and where they wanted to go. And if they didn't, then… well, they would still have each other.

And that was, at least, a start.

* * *

Mokona possessed a hundred and eight secret special techniques, among which included the famous – and much beloved! – techniques of 'total transformation' and voice imitation (2). 

One of the lesser known abilities, however, was the talent of getting past locked doors, typically by way of window or a variety of other lesser-known entries. Syaoran, Sakura, and Fai rarely kept their door locked, but Kurogane – as suspicious as ever – always made it a point to keep the door to his room severely bolted.

Today was of no real exception. The door was locked, as usual, but Mokona decided to wake Fai up first. The wizard would _definitely_ be able to get Kurogane up, no problem, and then they could be on their way to the next world. The prior day's mission had been successful, and another of Sakura's feathers had been found, but it had involved more than a few close calls than what anyone would be happy with. Nobody had been hurt badly, luckily, but everyone was exhausted and although their work was technically done here, Mokona had made the conscious decision to postpone the journey to the next world so they could get some rest.

The hotel they were currently staying in had been the nearest one, and by mere coincidence – as everything was when it came to Mokona, naturally – it just so happened to be the most expensive one in the district. They'd had just barely enough to pay for the four rooms, and Kurogane had growled and grumbled as Fai paid the large bill with an obscenely large smile.

They had gone their separate ways shortly after, Kurogane still muttering about the price while Fai just patted him on the back and pointed out that if worse came to worst, they could always sell the warrior for a hefty profit. For some odd reason, Kurogane had not been pleased, and he had chased the blond upstairs while waving around his unsheathed sword, leaving Sakura and Syaoran to stare after their two older and supposedly more mature companions.

What they had done after that, Mokona had no idea. He had assumed, as most normal people – and white talking manju buns – do, that Kurogane had eventually given up on trying to kill his somewhat-friend and retired to his room, locking the door securely behind him. Fai should have done likewise, except that the next morning, he was nowhere to be found in the fourth room.

Mokona had been surprised to enter the room and find that nobody was there. He was fairly certain that Fai should not be up yet, seeing that Sakura and Syaoran had been alone in the breakfast room and he hadn't passed the wizard on his way upstairs. In fact, the bed did not even look like it had been slept with, and the combination of all these facts were starting to worry Mokona greatly. Where could he have gone? What happened if something had happened to him? What if…?

With a speed greater than any white puffball should possess, Mokona sped off for Kurogane's room. Kurogane should be able to figure it out, and he didn't want to worry Syaoran or Sakura unnecessarily.

Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Kurogane's door was always locked, and this resulted in him running head first into a door that would not budge.

For a moment, he could only lay on the ground, completely dazed and ignorant of the stares he was starting to get from the other hotel residents who had been awakened by the impact of a furry bunny-like creature slamming into a door. Then, remembering about his one hundred and eight secret special techniques (breaking and entering being number seventy-three), he ran back into Fai's room and jumped out the window before bouncing his way onto and across the roof.

This couldn't be good, this couldn't be good! Fai, unlike Kurogane, was actually _responsible_, and Mokona was fairly certain that the wizard would inform them if he was going to go anywhere. Seeing that hadn't happened, it could only mean that something was wrong and Kurogane was being as irresponsible as usual by locking the stupid door! Didn't that man know anything about emergencies? What was he locking the door for anyway? They knew how to knock… well, except maybe for Fai who only knocked on Sakura's door. But that was a completely different story! And besides, wasn't locking the door a possible fire hazard!

With all those thoughts in mind, Mokona ended up making a less than grateful landing through the window. He barely managed to miss hitting a broken lamp, and landed like a pancake on the floor.

The room was quiet, with the exception of the sound of someone breathing. Or, as it quickly turned out when Mokona did an abrupt double take, several someones!

He had found the elusive Kurogane, as well as the elusive Fai. And they were in the same bed, sleeping together, looking… fluffy. That was, at least, the only word he could think of to explain it, especially with the way they were wrapped around each other. Both were sleeping sitting up, but Fai was using Kurogane almost as a make-shift pillow while the other man had an arm resting around the blond's shoulder. It didn't really look very _comfortable_, especially since the ninja was still wearing that silly armor, but both seemed to be sleeping soundly despite their position and the hard metal.

Mokona wasn't sure how long he spent watching them, but he was jerked out of his almost dazed stupor when he heard a sudden knocking on the door and Syaoran calling out, "Kurogane-san? Kurogane-san, have you seen Fai-san or Mokona? They're not in his room and they're nowhere in the hotel… Kurogane-san?"

He could see that Kurogane was starting to shift, muttering under his breath, although Fai apparently refused to be woken up before he had enough time cuddle time. And since he certainly didn't want Syaoran and Sakura to be worried, he decided that it would be best if he called out to them to explain the circumstances that the two older travelers had found them in.

"We're in here, Syaoran! Kurogane and Fai are sleeping with each–"

"What the _hell_ are you doing here!" Kurogane roared.

For a moment, Mokona was truly afraid that Kurogane was going to leap up and try to eat him. He didn't think he would taste very good, especially raw, but that was how _angry_ the warrior looked. Instead though, the black-haired man stayed put, as if afraid that if he moved he would end up dislodging... _ah_, so that's how it went.

Kurogane wasn't going to be moving until Fai woke up, and that meant Mokona could continue to explain to the others what was going on.

"I think they spent the entire night in this room, and now Fai won't wake up so Kurogane doesn't want to get up because if he does then he's going to wake up Fai and he doesn't want to wake up Fai so he's not going to move!" he happily bubbled without ever pausing to take a breath. There was a distinct vein throb developing on Kurogane's forehead, and his free hand was starting to make a definite grabbing-like movement, but still there was no attempt to get up and cause the bodily harm that was being so clearly promised.

There was a stunned silence coming from the other side of the door, and so Mokona decided to focus his attentions back to the people who were with him. Tilting his head slightly – or as much as one could tilt it without having a discernible neck – Mokona looked at the two and said cheerfully, "Nobody minds, Kurogane! I think we were all expecting it sooner or–"

"Uruse! (3)" the ninja roared, and Fai chose that moment to jerk out of his sleep to stare blankly at the other man.

"Bit early to be making a ruckus, isn't it Kuro-tan?"

"Don't call me that!"

"But I thought you _liked_ it, nyaan?"

"I don't! I don't like any of your stupid nicknames!"

Before anybody could blink, the big teary eyes were back, "But Kuro-pipi!"

"I thought I just told you not to call me that!" Kurogane looked ready to grab Fai by the front of his shirt but before he could even get his hands moving, Fai had practically tackled him, wrapping long arms around the warrior's neck and wailing at the top of his lungs about the cruelty and cold-heartedness of a certain Kuro-kuku, and how he went through _so_ much to be with him.

Somewhere along the ranting, most of which was incoherent anyway, Mokona had tried to escape. However, now that Fai was awake, Kurogane wasn't about to let the white manju bun escape without some punishment. Shoving the wizard off of him unceremoniously, the ninja got up and grabbed Mokona by the ears before he could jump out of the window to safety.

"And where do you think you're going?" he snarled above Fai's continued mock-wailings.

"Mokona is going to go find the others!" Mokona chirped merrily, and frowned slightly as Kurogane began to shake him madly.

"Like hell you are!"

"Language, Kuro-chan!" Fai sang, apparently over his crying fit. And as soon as Kurogane turned to glare at his lover, Mokona quickly slipped out of his slightly slackened grasp and jumped onto the window sill. But before he left, he couldn't help but look at the two and ask innocently, "Does this mean we don't have to pay for Fai's room now?"

The lamp went flying by his head. He got the message.

* * *

Commentary: 

(1) If the first thing that comes to mind with the words 'black cat' is the adorable black kitty that Fai-san drew in volume five, chapitre 35, then you deserve a pat on the back (or a lobotomy… been reading too much Tsubasa? P).

(2) References to volume four and five. The voice imitation comes from chapitre 23, when Mokona imitates Kurogane's voice and tells Fai that 'Kurogane's so happy! _heart_' and later 'reveals' to the two that it possesses 108 secret special techniques which are all... well, secret. Later, Mokona uses 'total transformation' in chapitre 29, another of the 108 secret special techniques.

(3) Shut up!

Notes, notes… notes? What a cute concept!

So, as previously hinted as, lots of fluff. Next part we get into the meatier part with all the 'angst' and probably enough fun to spread throughout the entire group! I'm not really sure how I'm going to do it as of now, such as if it will be just one immensely long chapter or if it will end up being broken up into maybe two or three parts. I guess it depends on where natural breaks appear, if any, and so I'll leave that alone.

Hope you enjoyed :p

PM


	2. 2

Sacrifice

I apologize for the relative lateness of this chapter, but among things I will discuss later, I caught a nasty cold and that pretty much drained all my energy and desire to write. It's not much of an excuse, I guess, but when all you want to do is sleep… writing isn't really that easy.

Anyhow, as I promised in the end author notes for the last chapter, from here on the storyline is going to kick in. When I first started the story, I didn't really think it would be long or particularly deep, but once I started to think things through a little bit more, I realized that there is a lot of stuff that can and perhaps needs to be written for this situation. I doubt I'll manage to touch on all of it, but just realizing this made me know that the tone of everything from here on might change dramatically.

So to be frank, I'm fairly doubtful that the rest of the story will be nearly as fluffy and humorous as the last chapter. I'm going to try to keep the tone more light, but it's bound to get more dark when Kurogane's mental conflict really starts to kick in, as well as the reactions of the other characters. I'm not going to go out of my way to make it more funny, but I'm going to try to make this not too dark and angsty either. That doesn't really seem to fit the tone of the series.

Basically, now you know that I have no idea what I'm doing. :p

Anyhow, in other news, the thank you's have been moved to the end of the chapter (because they're so bloody long), but here I must thank the benevolent beta-reader, whom without I can never get very far. Thank you, Cairnsy-san, for suffering through my madness! Everyone, please give her much love and adoration because if she wasn't there, you'd be reading… well, let's not get into that. :D

* * *

He had not been very pleased by the time he and Fai had made their way back to the others, but at least there had been no awkward questions asked. Most likely, this was due to the fact that before Syaoran could even open his mouth – as he was very clearly intending to do – Mokona chose to open _his_ mouth, and next thing he knew, they were all hurtling through black emptiness. The dark warrior could barely make the outline of the others as the wind rushed past them, but he knew without a doubt that Fai was close on hand, probably grinning from this almost exhilarating ride. (1) 

With that mental image in mind, he couldn't help but grin slightly himself – the same, wolfish smile from just that night. Leave it to Fai to try and find something amusing within this blindness; personally, Kurogane hated the transitions between the worlds, as he never knew what to expect in the next one. He never let his anxiety show up on his face, but it was still there, and it certainly made these moments a little less amusing.

But if he managed to hide all his emotions from the others, perhaps it was not such a far leap that Fai could hide his own anxieties with a grin.

The epiphany was, however, sadly lost when Kurogane suddenly found himself in the middle of an empty sky. The last thing he saw before he made the final plunge was a castle that looked like one he had seen before, and a certain blond yelling his name.

* * *

Kurogane woke up with a headache painful enough to drop a large elephant, immediately bringing back some pleasant memories of what had happened only… well, sometime before. He couldn't quite remember, as thinking was particularly hard when it felt like there was somebody beating your head repeatedly. As thinking was already difficult enough, he found it impossible to move as he simply lay on his back and stared up at an ornate ceiling that seemed oddly familiar. Before he could place it though, an equally familiar face suddenly blocked his view with an obnoxiously large smile. 

"_Morning_, Kuro-tan!" Fai sang much too loudly, causing his head to ring. He winced, but it was ignored as the idiot continued to speak loudly. "Well, technically it is no longer morning since you have been sleeping ever since we got to this world. It's already afternoon, actually, but that's okay. How are you feeling?"

He grunted. "Like I'm going to die." And the cheery voice was certainly not helping matters. "Why does my head hurt so much?"

"Because your head is heavy."

He glared, a level three glare – five being the highest in intensity, anger, and disgust – or at least he attempted to do so through the ringing in his head. "What the hell does that have anything to do with it?"

"Well, if your head is going to be so heavy, Kuro-pipi, you're bound to land on it sooner or later when Mokona spits you out of his mouth," Fai explained in a voice that was much too logical for the words that were being spoken. "Probably it's because of all that head armor. Honestly, you should really get something for the top of your head if it's going to weigh you down like that."

"That isn't funny," he snarled, but Fai didn't appear to be listening anymore as he just continued to talk as if there was no tomorrow.

"We were pretty worried there when you wouldn't wake up. None of us could figure out why you got dropped from so high when the rest of us turned out fine, but it looks like you'll be okay. Although you did hit your head pretty hard, so you didn't get to meet those rude men holding swords at us and yelling about how we were probably the latest wave of assassins to be sent after the princess. You missed a pretty good fight then, Kuro-rin, but then again, it's probably better that you didn't because then you would have attacked all of them, and that wouldn't have looked very good when this nice woman came out and told them to stop since we don't really look like assassins. Well, maybe _you_ do with your scary face, but since you were unconscious you weren't able to… see? You're glaring at me like that right now."

He _was_ glaring. But then again, he was _always_ glaring if what everyone else said was anything to judge by, and that was just something that the blond was going to have to get used to if they wanted to continue on like this. He was still hoping that they would be able to sit down and talk for a moment, especially after last night's incident and the hectic events of the morning, but he still needed to know what was happening now. There were too many gaps in the story that Fai was telling, and he had to understand the situation on hand before he could do anything else.

"Just… tell me what… happened," he muttered after a moment. Fai actually looked ready to stick his tongue out at him in a true sign of adult maturity, but somehow the mage managed to not do so. Which was probably a really good thing because despite the splitting headache that he was suffering through, he still had enough presence of mind to come up with some very dirty comments that he doubted anyone would appreciate.

"That's what I was doing until you interrupted me," the blond pointed out, trying to sound disgruntled but failing at that. Kurogane wasn't sure whether he wanted to smile slightly at the mage's antics or to change his mind about moving and do something he might regret – say, strangle the man – Fai continued brightly, "Well, after we were let into the castle, she told us to leave you in this room while she went to go speak to the princess. The others went with her to explain what was going on, and I would have gone with them but we all knew how you tend to get when you don't know what's going on. Personally, considering how expensive everything looks here, I didn't think it was a good idea to leave you alone… we really don't have enough money to pay for everything you're bound to damage, and even Sakura-chan can't manage to win all of that in such a short amount of time."

He wasn't sure if the headache was shortening his temper, or if it was just Fai. Possibly it was the combination of both, but he had a feeling that it was probably Fai, especially after his snarl of "What are you trying to say!" just made his head start ringing like mad. Fai looked incredibly amused by the grimace of pain on his face, and the blond reached over to pet him on the shoulder in what might have been a comforting gesture if it wasn't for that expression.

"You really shouldn't push yourself, Kuro-bun. Like I said before, you landed pretty hard on your head, and it's bound to hurt for a little longer. But don't worry – Souma-san said you'd probably be fine, since your head is already as hard as a rock."

He blinked at the person he had been stupid enough to fall in love with as he repeated slowly, "Sou… ma?"

He knew a Souma. But he had already met another Souma in that strange virtual reality world, and in doing so he had ended up dropping Fai in his surprise – something that he still had yet to live down, as the mage seemed to take particular pleasure out of reminding him about that completely insignificant detail. But the point was that they were bound to meet another Souma sooner or later, and the chance that it was the woman that he had come to know and somewhat trust was relatively low. He knew that, and yet he couldn't help but feel a slight jolt in the gut, as if perhaps this was finally the place he had been trying to reach all this time.

If Fai noticed his hesitation, the wizard certainly made no indication of it was he smiled widely and nodded, "Yes, Souma-san. She said she would come by later to check on you. Actually, I told her that I would get her when you chose to grace us with your sunny presence, and since you are awake and coherent enough to be glaring at me, then I should probably go get–"

Fai made a movement as if to get up, but before he could do so Kurogane's hand reached out to grab the thin wrist. The blond didn't look very surprised by the movement, although that lack of surprise was not enough to hide the small flinch from the action. Perhaps he was not surprised, but he was certainly not pleased by the motion. The ninja ignored that though, filing it away for later as he simply used the mage as a support so that he could sit up and get a better view of his surroundings. Through his swimming vision, he could see the familiar furnishings and tapestries that seemed to make his stomach drop, the physical objects that he had become so used to suddenly _there_ again, their implications so overwhelming that it was just starting to make his head hurt even more, if that was even possible.

And beyond all of that, there was Fai's smile – one so empty that it was perhaps worse than the mysterious smile the mage wore whenever he asked about the blond's past – but he could not bring himself to say anything as he continued to stare at everything around him.

He remembered this place. He remembered every detail, and all the events that had taken place here. It was, after all, the place that he had been trying to get back to ever since this journey had started, and the place that he had unconsciously hoped for every time they had landed in a different world.

There had been a time when perhaps, he was starting to give up hope that he would ever return here. So many worlds they had visited, all so different from his, and they seemed positively endless as the hunt for Sakura's feathers continued. And slowly – subtly – they had begun to push _his_ world out of his memory until they were the only ones he remembered… until the only memories he could bring back so clearly were the strange people they had met, and that silly, _fake_ smile that he had promised himself he would change.

But to suddenly be back here now, among these well-known trappings that he had daydreamed about for so long, was strange to say the least.

It was strange, perhaps, because there was someone who was out of place, someone who did not really belong here.

… Fai. Fai, the person he could just barely admit to loving, was the one who was out of place. All those other worlds they had visited – none of them had really been his. But here, in a world where there had never been the blond, it was almost hard for him to accept that the wizard was here too, as if it was some type of strange intrusion into his personal life.

Except that shouldn't make sense because Fai _was_ a part of his life now, a component that he would feel equally strange without. And yet these feelings of the two parts of him that until now had remained separate finally coming together; they did not come together smoothly as much as clash, as if they could no longer coexist with one another.

He didn't know what to make of that, although he knew that he did not like it.

Kurogane's grip on Fai's wrist had grown slack, and as the mage got up, he had the audacity to grin. It didn't erase the bags around the soft blue eyes, or the tired countenance, and served only to make him look quite… sad, and perhaps almost pitiful.

"I'll go get Souma-san, as she looked like she would be rather short-tempered with me if I kept you two apart any longer. And then someone should probably inform Daidouji-hime (2) that you are well – I heard that she was really quite worried about you for a moment there, although it's hard to tell because she was fawning all over Sakura-chan."

He didn't move as Fai walked away, and it was only when the mage was almost out the door that he finally found his voice again.

"… oy."

Fai paused for a moment, and before he could really say all the things that needed to be said, the mage interrupted him, never even turning around to face him even with those next few words.

"You're in your original place, aren't you? That's what you wanted from the very beginning."

Yes. Yes, he found himself nodding almost mechanically, because now he was back to where he had started… back where he belonged. He doubted it was something Fai would understand, especially since the wizard obviously didn't have enough attachment to the place where he had come from if he had been able to give it up so easily.

He regretted those words the moment he thought them. Even if they had begun to develop a relationship, at the moment it was tentative at best and he knew little about the mage. He didn't have any right to go about thinking about him in such a manner, especially since Fai had made it perfectly clear that even though he had left, someone he was trying to get away from might just go on after him…

But still, how could he just give his world up like that? Didn't it mean more to him, or was the concept of an original place just a piece of land that meant nothing more than just that?

It was just one of the areas they differed in, one of the many areas.

Apparently Fai had decided that nothing more was going to be – or perhaps needed to be – said because the blond had already turned and walked away. He could hear the mage's light footsteps echoing down the hallway, but all too soon they had faded away into nothing.

* * *

"So it really is you." (3) 

She sounded almost disgruntled, but he knew she didn't really mean it. Sure, maybe she was always yelling at him to be more polite and respectful towards the princess, but when they were alone, she wasn't nearly as strict as she tried to be when they were in public. It was something he had always complained about, but it never seemed to change anything, much to his annoyance.

He rewarded her with a grunt, "Nice to see you too, Souma."

"Nobody thought you would ever be back, you know."

He smirked slightly at the statement, trying not to reveal that he had started to share those same concerns only a few days ago. "Well, you know me. I never was one for letting other people's expectations get the better of me." He raised an eyebrow and gave her a cursory inspection, as if unconcerned by the fact that it _really was her_, and not some… other copy. "That includes you, as you already know."

"I do. Who better than me?" A pause as they looked at each other, and he was reminded of the first time they had met. It hadn't been a very good introductory meeting, and their relationship had been rocky for quite a while. It was a wonder that they had been able to stand each other long enough to reach an understanding, let alone to become as close as they were now. But they had managed it, perhaps in the same way Fai had managed to worm into _his _life despite his very best attempts not to let the mage affect him.

Finally, growing weary of the silence, she continued hesitantly, as if unsure of what to talk about now that they were finally face to face again, "Your friends have been telling Daidouji-hime and me about your journey."

"They're not friends." The words came out so automatically, although a small part of him flinched at that. But returning here, he couldn't help but remember that this was a place where people were a weakness because they could disappear, and you'd find a part of yourself disappearing along with them. He'd never had that worry in any of the other worlds, but here that lesson had been ground into him one too many times, and he felt almost reluctant to admit that those people he traveled with had become closer than he would allow most people to be, despite his very best intentions.

"Ah, that's true." She smiled mischievously, as if enjoying a private joke at _his_ expense. "They're your companions now, aren't they? Or the cause that Daidouji-hime wanted you to find for yourself."

He growled softly, but that didn't stop her from continuing with slightly twinkling eyes, "And perhaps they are a bit more than that, hmm? Especially if one was to take into consideration the way that golden-haired one(4) was hovering over you… he's a bit strange, isn't he?"

"A bit?" he ground out. He couldn't help but admire how she had quickly transitioned from one topic to another, but it annoyed him nevertheless. Still, his raging headache prevented him from getting up to hurt her, as any attempt to stand would have to be done slowly and carefully, something that most certainly would have betrayed his weakness. Remaining seated, at least, could give off an air of grumpish willfulness, although he wasn't quite sure why he was not willing to admit to her his own mortality. She had been one of the few people he had trusted in this world and the next, but still that was nowhere near enough to warrant him exposing everything about himself to her.

Which really made his inner voice wonder how he could ever expect Fai to do the same for him.

"Well, I never really thought he would be your type…" Souma paused, and he rolled his eyes. He had never really imagined the female warrior to be interested in his love life – especially since he had never had anything that came remotely _close_ to such a thing the last time he was here – but he supposed that Tomoyo might be a negative influence on Souma's rational behavior, considering how the princess was a conniving matchmaker who would do _everything_ in her power to forward a relationship. But then when she looked at him, a thoughtful expression on her face… the _same exact expression_ Tomoyo had when she had sent him on that bloody trip in the first place, he knew that he was doomed and that he should probably look into an escape plan before the hour was through. "Do you feel the same way for him?"

He eyed her, as if fully expecting her to break into the 'ohohoho' cackle that Tomoyo practiced with ease. He wouldn't have been _that_ surprised, but it wouldn't stop him from trying to hide under the blankets anyway. Anyhow, even though their relationship was pretty much out in the open with Syaoran, Sakura, and that _stupid_ white manju bun, it didn't mean he wanted the others to know it too. Not if he could help it, anyway. "What makes you think he feels anything for me, anyway?"

"Come on, Kurogane. It was kind of obvious," she grinned slightly. "I mean, after all, he has been watching you for over a day now… you hit your head pretty hard, you know." As if to emphasize the point, she reached over to touch the nasty bruise on his head. "Kami (5), that doesn't look good."

"Don't touch me," he snarled as he swatted her hand away before narrowing his eyes slightly in order to get a better look at her. "And what do you mean a day? We've only been here for a couple of days."

It wasn't supposed to be a statement open to interpretation, but she raised an eyebrow in response to his presumptions. "Is that what he told you? You really shouldn't believe everything people say, especially when someone smiles like that. Isn't that what you used to tell me all the time?"

The slight jab made him growl, but it was really just an excuse to give him a moment to digest that piece of information. After a moment, he just continued to stare at her and asked flatly, as if to make sure that she wasn't joking, "A day."

"One day. More, since technically it was yesterday morning that you guys appeared on our doorstep. Caused a bit of a shock to the guards, you do realize."

"A day," he repeated again.

She smiled slightly, "Did the fall make you go deaf, Kurogane? Or do you just not want to believe what is right in front of you?"

He chose not to reply to that, instead trying to think through the situation. He supposed he shouldn't be that surprised with the omission of the truth, especially coming from Fai, but this wasn't exactly the type of thing people preferred to lie about. It was just odd, no matter how he tried to look at it, and trying to figure it all out just made his head hurt even more. After a moment, he groaned and fell back, muttering, "I'm never going to understand that guy."

She sat down next to him, smiling slightly, "Like I said, he's a bit strange." A pause. "I like him though."

"I thought you said he spent the entire day here," he accused, feeling a bit more annoyed than he probably should have. If that was true, then she wouldn't have had any opportunity to speak to him, and if it wasn't, then it meant that there was another lie he was going to have to deal with. He didn't like it when people lied, although some would say that avoiding the truth wasn't technically a lie. He didn't care – whether it was an outright lie or lying by omission, it wasn't true and he didn't have the patience to deal with it. He wanted reality, without all those little games that the nobles liked to play. It was tiring and took valuable time, time that could cost somebody a life. He'd seen it before one too many times, and he never wanted to see it again.

"I did." She smiled, "And that's what I like about him."

He didn't have any response to that. Which, he later concluded, was probably for the best because before he could blink, he could hear a dreaded voice singing from the distance, "Kuro-wan!"

"Don't call me that!" he roared automatically, but it was lost when Fai shot out of the hallway to attach himself to the warrior like a deranged vampire intent on hugging him to death during the blood sucking. And even above the mage's contented purring, he could hear the distinct sound of an attempt at laughter being stifled, something that made Souma sound like she was choking.

"Did you miss me?" The cheerful question was accompanied by a round of affectionate face nuzzling, and he could feel a distinct vein throb developing on his forehead. One never would have guessed that the blond had walked out on him a mere hour ago, but then again, he supposed no one could even attempt to think that there were problems under that cheerful exterior.

"You're the one who walked out on me," he reminded, but if he was expecting some apology, he was sorely disappointed when Fai just seemed to tighten his grip. Before he could blink, he found himself toppling over when the mage happily decided to wrap those too long legs around his torso too, causing him to lose his balance and fall over into a messy heap.

"But I had to get food for the invalid!"

Souma was outright laughing now, not even attempting to hide it.

"I am _not an invalid!_"

"Yes you are! You're my own special patient!" As if to emphasize the point, Fai untangled his arms just long enough to come back with a plate of food from only god knows where. "See? You need to eat if you're going to keep up your strength… who's going to chase me around with your big, bad sword if _you_ don't?"

Speaking of which, he wondered where his sword was. (6) He really needed it right now to kill some people, curse or no curse. But when he opened his mouth to ask – or really, demand – Fai just took the opportunity to stick something in his mouth, nearly causing him to choke.

Ignoring the coughing fit he had just given his somewhat boyfriend, Fai peered curiously down at the food while using the chopsticks to stab at another piece of fish. "I wonder why so many countries use these things… they're not exactly the easiest things to eat with (7), don't you think?"

"Idiot! You nearly killed me and all you can think about are chopsticks!"

"Don't be silly, Kuro-poppo! It will take a lot more than that to kill you, I'm sure! But now be a good boy and eat this, or I'll tell Daidouji-hime about that time you dropped me on my head in Outo country." (8)

He opened his mouth to protest. "I didn't do it on-" But before he could finish the last word, Fai had shoved a vegetable into his mouth whilst singing, "Eat up, eat up!"

"Get away from me!" he yelled through the food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full. It's rude!"

Headache or no, love interest or not, he was _not about to let_ Fai get away with that. But when he tried to crawl away to grab at something hard and death-inducing, he discovered that it was rather difficult to move when there was a certain mage wrapped around him like a demented octopus.

There was a short laugh, and a new voice called out, "Oh, you've already started without us?"

The octopus waved an evil tentacle, "Hai, Daidouji-hime!"

Kurogane let out a groan. As if it wasn't already embarrassing enough to let the princess see him without his usual armor and weaponry – especially after their last encounter – now he had this… this… _idiot_ wrapped around him obsessively. One would think that Fai was worried about him disappearing or something….

Or something.

"Kurogane-san, are you okay?" Sakura rushed into the room to kneel down next to him, setting down her tray of food in order to try to help him back into a sitting position. The kid quickly joined her, and together they managed to somehow lug the warrior upright, Fai or no Fai.

"We're sorry we didn't come to see you earlier… we were explaining to Daidouji-hime everything, and then…" Syaoran started, but Kurogane waved him quiet.

"It would have been pointless to see somebody who wasn't awake, right?"

He had not meant for it to be rude, but it came out that way regardless. And he wasn't trying to be rude either – it was just that… he was finding it difficult to figure everything out. He wanted to be left alone, to contemplate this mess or perhaps to speak to Tomoyo about _why_ she had done any of this, and why she just walked in here with the others like it was the most natural thing in the world. His princess had always been a strange person, but the way she manipulated _everything_ around her was amazing, and it frustrated him that even now, she had come in at the exact moment when he could do nothing to… say something to her, at the very least. Except he wasn't really sure what he would want to say to her, or if he wanted to say anything at all. It was hard for him to figure out exactly how he would have reacted in any other situation, rather than being distracted by the others as he was now.

Although he supposed that it might have been for the better. Princess or not, he had sent her on this journey and inadvertently exposed him to somebody he would never had contact with otherwise, and that warranted a severe beating.

Both of their younger companions looked slightly taken aback by that statement, but Syaoran finally nodded in agreement as the two took their respective trays and got into a more comfortable position. Before anyone could protest, Tomoyo joined them, seating herself down next to Sakura, a large smile decorating her face as if challenging anyone to object to her decision. Souma looked slightly put out although she didn't say anything, but she did give a visible wince when Mokona jumped into Tomoyo's lap.

"I'm glad you are back, Kurogane." Tomoyo was giving him a calculating look, one that he did not like, although he did give a sigh of relief when Fai finally unattached himself in order to sit on the rumpled futon. "I thought we would celebrate your return by having dinner together."

"You're the one who sent me off in the first place."

"Kurogane!" Souma barked. "Don't say that type of thing to the princess!"

He rolled his eyes, "Doesn't change the facts, Souma."

"Kurogane!"

"It's fine, Souma," Tomoyo cut in quickly. "Kurogane is obviously still recovering, and so his temper is bound to be a little short."

"Recovering!"

"I told you you're an invalid…."

"_I am not an invalid!_"

"Patience, Kuro-pi." And again, before there could be any response to that, Fai shoved some more food into his mouth, leaving him to chew as the blond turned to the others. "Daidouji-hime, Sakura-chan tells me that you wanted her to do some modeling for you?"

"Oh yes!" One princess was visibly sparkling now, while the other just flushed pink from embarrassment. "Sakura-chan is so cute, and I would love to try some of my designs on her. It's been so long since someone as cute as her came along, and I want to take advantage of this situation. Plus we will have to call in the painters and make sure that we commemorate these moments, and of course I would like to have Sakura-chan involved in all of them!"

He could feel a distinct vein throb developing. Tomoyo always did have a strange interest in design, especially for a princess who was usually considered too high class to be doing such things, and that was one of the many things he sincerely wished would go away. Too often he had been the victim of her… skewed fashion sense, and rarely did that come out with pleasant results.

"Tomoyo-chan…" Sakura laughed nervously as she glanced at the others worriedly. "Really, you don't have to–"

"But I want to! You're Sakura-chan!" (9)

Kurogane opened his mouth, not exactly sure of what he was going to say but certain that he would figure something out soon, but Fai just casually shut him up by sticking something else into his mouth. And that was how it ended up going for the rest of the night – he wasn't quite sure how the mage could predict every time he tried to say something, but he _did_, and the ninja didn't manage to get another word in edgewise for the duration of the conversation.

Looking at Fai and that smile, he never would have thought anything of it as they all watched Tomoyo fawn over Sakura, much to the brunette's embarrassment and Syaoran's dismay. But those eyes didn't contain the same goofiness as the smile… instead, they seemed distant, as if he was thinking about something that he was trying to keep to himself.

Kurogane certainly didn't think that should have been an excuse for shutting him up, and he had a feeling that it wasn't. There was something else going on here, something that the blond didn't want to talk about just yet. And obviously, anything he had to say would just interfere with the thought process.

If anyone else noticed the strange silence, they didn't say anything. Probably they were too wrapped up in Tomoyo's antics, although he knew that Souma was more perceptive than that, and not to mention Tomoyo herself. Syaoran too, and most likely the white puffball (much to his annoyance). Only Sakura would not notice, and even that wasn't certain – despite her loss of memories, the sweet brunette continued to be oddly perceptive on matters such as this. (10)

He frowned as they began to clean up the dishes, although he was more than a little relieved that Fai didn't have anything else to shut him up. And he wasn't surprised to see Tomoyo watching him, the only other person not tidying up as Souma had volunteered to take the princess's empty plates to the servants rather than letting her do it herself.

"Welcome home, Kurogane." Her words were quiet and obviously meant only for him. He grunted.

"No thanks to you."

"It was time. And as you can see, castle Shirasaji is still standing; we were fine."

"That's not the point."

"Silly Kurogane." He glared at her, but she ignored it, instead standing up. The rustle of fabric barely allowed him to hear her next words, and he later wondered if that had been the point.

"But will the others be fine without you?"

* * *

He found himself up and out of the room as soon as he felt comfortable walking. The guards all backed away from him when he approached them, but he didn't care as he boldly walked up to each and every one of them, demanding to know where the others were. Most of them had no idea, and the few that did couldn't tell him which room Fai was in. That was something he had to know, as it wouldn't exactly be appropriate for him to go barging into… say, Sakura's room. Souma would really hurt him then, and Syaoran too no doubt. 

And probably Fai, Mokona, Yuuko, and the rest of the crazy people who had met Sakura. She had that effect on people, and it was something Fai might have had if he wasn't so laden with secrets.

Of course, that wasn't the point right now. He had to find Fai, after all.

A servant finally managed to tell him which room the mage was situated in, and he listened with half an ear as she gushed over how pretty his hair was. Fai would have liked to hear that, but Kurogane just found it rather ridiculous and he let her know that with a curt thanks and a quick departure. It was already growing late, and the blond slept like a rock. He also tended to be completely incoherent when one tried to talk to him before he was fully awake, and the ninja couldn't exactly have that when he needed to have a grownup conversation with his… lover.

The door was not locked, as Fai was nowhere near as touchy as Kurogane was. The room was already dark, but he didn't need to concentrate too hard to figure out where the mage was, drawn by the sound of soft breathing. He made his way over to where the futon was and after a split-second hesitation, sat down next to him.

"… you better not be wearing your armor…" Fai slurred slightly, turning around to look at him. He couldn't see, but he could just imagine those large blue eyes blinking slowly, although he was surprised that the mage had woken up. Usually the blond could sleep through everything, but apparently tonight was going to be a different story.

"I'm not." Kurogane couldn't help but feel slightly pleased when Fai laid one warm hand on his hand, although that did not deter him. "We need to talk."

"We do," Fai yawned. "How on earth do you manage to sleep on the _floor_?"

"Huh?"

"These futons aren't really enough… the floor is _hard_. I couldn't sleep last time when we were in Hanshin, but I seem to recall that you managed it…?"

He shrugged, slightly annoyed at the pointless questions, "It's just something you get used to. I've slept on the floor for all of my life, you know."

"Well, _I_ haven't." He could hear the mock-pout, although it was a sleepy one. _That_ made him smirk slightly, as a sleepy mock-pout was certainly an amusing sight.

Then Kurogane shook his head, just knowing that there was no way they would be able to have a coherent conversation now. But maybe he had already known that when he first started his search because he didn't feel all too disappointed by that fact. Instead, he felt almost… relieved that it could be put off until the next day, although he was pretty sure that wasn't the reaction he was _supposed_ to be having.

But then again, 'supposed to' had died out a long time ago.

Sighing, the ninja surrendered to his emotions and gently shoved at his lover, "Move over."

"Nyaan?" Fai asked, although he immediately obeyed, scooting over so that there was enough room for the ninja to sleep next to him. And as soon as that was done, Kurogane lay himself down, grabbing the blankets and covering himself up without even a word of thanks.

For a moment, they lay there, Fai's hand still resting in his as they slowly adjusted to the other's presence.

"But Kuro-tan, it's still uncomfortable."

He grunted, not even cracking open an eye to look at Fai – or in the mage's general direction, anyway. "Just shut up and go to sleep."

"You're so mean."

* * *

Commentary: 

(1) Well, Fai always looks like he's having a lot more fun than the others whenever they're dumped into the next world, although that might be attributed to the idea that he's one world farther from Ashura-ou. But still, he always does look like he's just gotten off a roller coaster while the others are just pretty dazed, and it amuses me greatly (well, a lot of things amuse me, but anyway).

(2) As most of you know, Tomoyo's last name in Cardcaptor Sakura is Daidouji. As I'm really rather uncreative, I'm just going to use that for her last name in this world as well.

(3) I know nothing about Souma, beyond what is shown of her in Tsubasa. I apologize for completely screwing with her personality, but while that annoys me a lot, I've spent a horrid amount of time kicking myself for it. That's something that I can't really afford, especially since it's so completely pointless, and so I apologize and that is that.

(4) I doubt they had any blonds back in Japan, so I figure that Fai would be a bit of a… oddity, there. And going from the theory that they've never seen a blond before, I doubt they'd have a word for it. :)

(5) Kami – god. Or hair. Or paper. But yeah. God.

(6) _And no not that one!_

(7) Reason number 59 that we love Fai – when he's eating, I know I'm not the only person who doesn't use chopsticks. XP

(8) Volumes… five through seven, I think, took place in a world called Outo. Fai injures his foot and Kurogane has to carry him back, but ends up dropping the poor guy when he gets surprised. (innocent giggle)

(9) For the fans of CCS, this doesn't really need much explanation, but for those who aren't, Tomoyo and Sakura were best friends in Cardcaptor Sakura. In fact, Tomoyo seems to have more than just friendly feelings for Sakura, although she always just says that she wants Sakura to be happy with the person she loves, even if that person isn't her. Throughout the series, Sakura also ends up being Tomoyo's model – Tomoyo designs all her card capturing outfits, and loves to videotape her when she's in action. I wanted to bring some of that relationship into this, although it's probably unexpected to those who haven't read CCS. Also, in addition to that, I'm letting Sakura call Tomoyo by first name and –chan, probably because Tomoyo insisted and technically, as they are both princesses, Sakura is probably the only person who would be allowed to be that casual, although it's still a bit of a stretch.

(10) You can argue with me that Sakura isn't really that perceptive, especially since she can't figure out how Syaoran loves her until he tells her in CCS. But I say she is. I don't think she always understands it, but she did figure out who Yukito was in love with when he rejected her, and she sensed how much Yue cared for Clow despite the fact that Mr. Angel is rather lacking in the emotion department (and manners too).

And in the next chapter, the search for the feather begins, and Kuro-pipi asks finally manages to pin (no, not literally, although now the thought is tempting… pin down and ravish! Kyah! Let me swoon from the mental image!) Fai down long enough to have the grown up conversation. Several of them even, perhaps!

In the not so incredibly random portion of the notes, I don't know how long it will take for me to write the next chapter. For the next three weeks, I have midterms and essays due, and I think spring break starts shortly after. Usually this isn't much of a concern writing-wise (as I can always stick it in somehow… don't ask me how!), but I do have two essays and a midterm in one week (my teachers hate me! Weep!), so yes. No idea whatsoever when the next chapter is coming out. Pretty much the only thing I'm somewhat certain about is that Fai might be the narrator this time (see how certain I am?).

In the incredibly random portion of the notes, for those of you who have seen the scans for chapter 61, Fai-san _sparkles_ when he's shooting arrows. It is so incredibly sexy. :D

For those of you who have had the misfortune of suffering through my Yu-gi-oh! stories, what comes now if my infamous thank you section that can become very long and incredibly boring. This time, this has both reviewers and those who reviewed through the Kuro x Fai community. Thank you to all, and I apologize for the length of this bloody thing!

Sozuki – Well, actually this collection is a little bigger than I had expected (or smaller, until I realized that Tsubasa doesn't even have its own section), and there are truly some great fics in here. :p I'm just happy to contribute a little, especially since this is such a fluff-worthy coupling that's still filled with lots and lots of angst. All covered up by banter. What better relationship is there? Besides, unlike most couplings, I don't have to spend page after page after page explaining why I think they go well together. They do go well together, end of story, and let's now all go get drunk:D

Sailor Comet – Didn't you know that Fai has a magical power of… switching places? He wanted to be seme, damn it! Screw the height rule! (Sorry… I finally read your icon and practically keeled over laughing… never a good thing to do when your roommates are in your room, I think.) But otherwise, yeah… that is a bit of a mix-up. I'm surprised it didn't get caught by… somebody. Maybe he got… shoved away. Yes. And I'm sending the seals of death after you still. Bwaha!

Somnorexic – Well, first you take a couple of hallucinogens and then start concentrating _very_ hard on _it_, and then you write it down, turn it into a fanfic, and spread the love around! Until you get arrested, that is, so probably not a good idea to try that. ;p But to really answer your question, I have no idea. I'm usually a 'Can I see the character doing that?' but this time, it was more of a matter of, 'Can I see this happening in the series?' because in the end, it really involved three characters rather than two. The Kurogane x Fai stuff was a cakewalk compared to Mokona's little observations, but I'm glad that it all worked out in the end. :)

Etrangere – It was, wasn't it? Not our fault, of course, that Kuro-tan and Fai are just so easily… let's stick them together and traumatize everyone else:D

tenshiforgotten – Thankies! Gyah, sorry I don't have more to say. Brain is totally non-functioning right now (but that's nothing new!).

s n u c k – Well, I hope I can manage to keep them in-character for the rest of the story. I was somewhat worried that Kuro-tan would get a tad out of character during his little introspection part, but apparently it worked out for the better so I'm glad. :D

KakashiLvr –Soft? Maybe Fai's a bit soft, but with his armor, I imagine that Kuro-tan's as hard (and hard-headed) as the crab he was fighting against. XP

Tokki-tsu – Well, I'm expecting it sooner or later at least. Although I doubt CLAMP is going to listen to me about that… but it would be nice if it happens, right? Let us start a letter-writing campaign:D

Ali-san – Ali-san-san! XD Sorry… it's a bit of a joke. I had a friend who's penname was Neko-chan, and people would call her Neko-chan-sama. I called her Neko-chan-chan (before I added a –baka there), but there you go! I'm obviously not a very kind person. :p Anyhow, I was surprised nobody had ever written about this idea. The idea that the group would end up in their former worlds is hinted at in the beginning, and there's so much you can write about for them when it does happen. :D But yes, that babble was pointless. Thank you for your review! I'm glad you enjoyed it, and hope sincerely that you enjoy the rest. :)

StormySkys – It's a very addicting couple, both to read and write. X.x And I'm supposed to be studying! But anyhow, glad you enjoyed:D

sugahcat – I'm beginning to think that everyone's come up with this idea sooner or later… and I'm surprised I ended up being the one to write it first considering I just got into this fandom relatively late. Like… December. Against my will too. (grin) I just hope I do it justice, so thanks for giving me a chance:3

Sarehptar – Well, sadly it's no longer going to be a half. More like… ninety percent of the story length. X.x;; I really should have attempted to organize this story a little better because I think people were expecting something more quick, and now I'm just dragging it on even longer. Hopefully no one gets too annoyed. And glad you like the link:D I know I nearly burst into tears of joy when I found it… :P

Animegoil – Well, I think the character issues started popping up a lot more in this chapter, as it's just a part of them that has to be dealt with in any relationship. Since the first chapter was mainly fluff I thought it would be best to just focus on that more, but as the storyline actually starts it needs to come out a bit. Sorry about that!

maboroshi hime – Fai's a bit of a brat, huh? Poor Kuro-tan… I'm not sure how he's going to manage dealing with the little wisecrack.

Ranma Higurashi – Kyah! I'll do my best!

Double – That's because when you try to make him cute, he attempts to eat you. (Shiver!)

Turntable Aurora – More has been written:D

deathzero5 – This coupling just works so well for fluff, don't you think? It's just so natural that it's like, 'whee!' Easy to extend upon what is already in the manga, and maybe that's what makes it so much easier (and so much cuter!).

dcstolstice – And of course, we know Kuro-tan's opinion doesn't matter nearly as much as Fai's, as Fai is the one who pulls the strings. ;p

Thanks everyone!

PM (2-22-05)


	3. 3

Sacrifice

And to think I used to be able to get chapters out on a weekly basis. Now it's declined to monthly. Or bi-monthly. As if I thought I couldn't get any worse. X.x

Originally, as I said in the last chapter, I was planning on writing the first scene in Fai-POV, but then it turned into Kuro-tan wannabe POV, which isn't nearly as great as it sounds. So since the writing wasn't working out too well, I revamped and just continued with what I have now. It'll probably stay this way for the rest of the fic.

I have no idea how long this story is going to be (maybe I should outline…), although I'm theorizing maybe three more chapters after this one. I'm also debating whether or not Tomoyo will make not-so-subtle comments on Kurogane's love life, but that's a completely different story. xp

Anywho, sorry about the delay, and thanks everyone for being patient! And of course, many thanks to Cairnsy-san, who makes all of this pretty, oh so pretty. :D Seriously though, everyone send her some gifts or something… without her, this story would be nowhere near as good as it is now. It probably wouldn't be up either, now that I think of it….

And because Cairnsy-san and I have such dirty minds, I've decided to leave out my other note and let you guys figure the rest out on your own. :grin:

* * *

"Why the hell am I so stiff?"

The question was met mostly by blank stares as Kurogane entered the dining hall. In fact, the only person who wasn't giving him a strange look was the only person who could answer question, and that only person was too engrossed in stabbing his breakfast with his chopsticks that the inquiry went unnoticed. This, unfortunately, made his dramatic entrance rather less… dramatic, especially since Fai continued to conspicuously ignore him even as he stomped over to the mage. He wasn't sure if Fai was doing this on purpose or not – on one hand, Fai's continuous inability to use chopsticks certainly meant that he had to focus a great deal of concentration on trying to pick up his food, but on the other hand, it would be just like the mage to ignore Kurogane if it meant getting a rise out of him. The ninja, being a cynical and pessimistic sort of fellow, immediately decided that it was the second reason.

So it went without saying that he was annoyed, and rightfully so. Not only had he woken up feeling like he had lost feeling in all parts of his body, but he had woken up _alone_, and for some reason that was what riled him more than anything else. He shouldn't have felt strange waking up by himself – he had spent too much of his life doing that for it to be anything more than commonplace.

But then again, it had been a while since those days. Even before the kiss, he had become used to the group's presence, and not only Fai. How many nights had he spent with the others, whether that was on the floor, in a camp, or god knows where? He had tried his best to keep them from getting close, but he had obviously not succeeded. This knowledge disturbed more than annoyed him, as it showed he was not quite as impenetrable as he had hoped.

Perhaps it was a combination of this fact and the circumstances to which he had woken up to, or maybe there was something else that was driving him. Whatever it was, he found himself stalking over to the blond and glaring. Glares were difficult to ignore, and it helped that his were of a special variety that _nobody_ could ignore.

Except, apparently, Fai. Because Fai just seemed to enjoy being the exception to everything, which was a strange enough trait considering how he spent so much time smiling in order to be ignored. That 'ignore me, I'm a fool!' 1 _worked_ despite Kurogane's best efforts, and sometimes he would find himself ignoring the blond in exasperation before something would suddenly come back. And by the time he really found himself wondering about that smile that didn't quite reach as far as it could have, Fai would already be gone and it would be too late to bring up a dead topic.

"Oy," he growled, waiting.

And finally, _finally_, Fai decided to look up at him with a slightly annoyed expression. But the disgruntlement caused by a losing battle against a pair of wooden sticks quickly melted into a smile – a genuine smile, if he was to judge, and Kurogane felt slightly less irritated despite himself.

"Nyaan?"

He resisted the urge to slap his forehead in disgust, but soon he found himself occupied with other things when Mokona finally pulled himself out of the teapot he had gotten stuck in. Kurogane had no idea how any of that had worked in the first place, considering how the white manju bun wasn't exactly the skinniest sort of creature, but he quickly wished that Mokona had conveniently drowned when the magical creature chirped, "Kurogane asked why he was so stiff. I'm not sure why he thinks we would be able to answer that question since we were all here before he came so maybe he injured himself but I guess that means it could be something that Yuuko-san calls a rhetorical question although it seems awfully weird to be a rhetorical question but then again Kurogane is a pretty weird person with the way he's always glaring and threatening Mokona like he thinks that Mokona is the cause of all his problems which Mokona obviously isn't because Mokona is Mokona and Mokona doesn't cause problems at all!"

Fai blinked, looked up at Kurogane, and suddenly his face broke out into a ridiculous grin, "I don't think that topic should be discussed in public, Kuro-pun."

As Sakura and Syaoran both turned delightful shades of pink and Mokona squealed ecstatically – before promptly falling back into the teapot – Kurogane roared, "Why… why… _you_!"

He couldn't get any farther because next thing he knew, Fai had grabbed him by the fabric of his cape and yanked him down, explaining in a lowered voice, "I know you wanted to be on top, Kuro-mun, but it's not exactly fair you realize. For one thing, you're _much_ heavier than I am, and I am as delicate as a flower! I can't have that much weight on me. Although don't worry… I know it's muscle, not fat." This was accompanied by an exaggerated wink, one that made him twitch.

He sputtered and tried to come up with a witty comeback. All he came up with was, "You!"

"You really should think of other's feelings, you know. I mean, honestly. Do you want this all to be the subject of palace gossip? If I remember correctly, the palace grapevine gets news spread very quickly… even an army couldn't get word of an enemy approaching as fast as gossip gets around the place. And yet you want everyone to know about our private affairs!" Barely pausing to let go of his lover in order to throw himself onto Kurogane, he continued brightly and at an exaggerated volume, "But on the other hand, I guess this means that you love me enough to make this public! Kuro-pipi, I'm so proud of you! I thought we would be stuck hiding in closets forever!"

And again, any witty comments promptly fell over dead as his brain conveniently decided to explode, "_You!_"

"Kurogane's in denial! Kurogane's in denial!" Mokona supplemented his words with a little dance – how he had managed to get out of the teapot so quickly was beyond Kurogane's current range of thought. Kurogane just cursed and turned around – despite Fai clinging to him – to flick the white manju bun out of the window, through which the fluffy creature went sailing through with a gleeful squeal.

Fai released him in order to watch Mokona's journey through space with lidded amusement before he turned back to Kurogane and asked, "Are you?"

It took him a while to calm down enough to ask, "Am I what?"

"In denial."

"_No_," he replied through gritted teeth, annoyed that Fai had to ask him that at all. Even if it was joking, which Kurogane wasn't quite sure it was, he didn't want to answer that kind of question. Everything Kurogane did was brutally honest – it was another one of those things that had come to him after living so long in Tomoyo's court. He had seen the nobles play their daily political games, and it had made him all the more determined never to do that sort of thing. It was one of the reasons why he had been so irritated with Fai when they had first met – to him, the blond was just playing another stupid game like the courtiers had all participated in so that they could rise to the position of head lapdog. He had come to accept that Fai wasn't quite doing it on purpose – perhaps it was nothing more than conditioning from living in that sort of life. Maybe there wasn't really any escape from it, if one was deep enough in it. Kurogane himself might have fallen victim to these same games if it wasn't for the fact that they all thought of him as nothing more than a meathead soldier who didn't know the difference between a cutting knife and a sword.

Which, in a way, he could admit to. He knew there was a difference, but they placed too much emphasis on the supposed task of the object. After all, if one was caught in a tight situation with only the butcher's knife, would they really quibble over what the thing was really for? Those nobles would, much to his annoyance. They would demand a sword even if there was none available, and they would rather die then fight with anything less. It was ridiculous, to say the least, and so he was never very concerned with what they wanted to believe in.

Perhaps that was why he was so irritated that Fai had asked him that. Shouldn't the mage _know_ that he wouldn't do something unless he meant it, and if he meant it then he didn't care who knew? Maybe it was just because there was some type of presence about him that seemed to deny romantic notions, but he was human too and he could have his moments. They were – thankfully – short and long in-between, but he did have them.

Despite what everyone wanted to think.

Fai blinked slowly, and he got the impression that Fai had noticed his anger, despite how irrational it was. The blond smiled slowly and said, "That's good."

He growled and didn't say anything as he sat down next to the mage. Fai had already returned his attentions back to his meal, and they ate in several moments of uncomfortable silence. Both Syaoran and Sakura kept looking at them worriedly, and Kurogane couldn't help but notice how similar they acted, as if they were of the same mind despite how she could not remember him.

But the silence couldn't last too much longer, as it wasn't exactly the best situation ever. They were too used to conversation, to the personalities of each other, to be able to relax at such a time. If it had been anyone else, Kurogane would have no problem with just finishing and leaving. He certainly wouldn't think of speaking first, but he could privately wonder when on earth somebody was going to start talking.

"Before you came, Kurogane-san, we were telling Fai-san about how we tried to search for Sakura-hime's feather in the palace," Syaoran suddenly spoke, bringing them back to a decidedly comfortable topic.

"And I'm guessing you weren't lucky enough to have it be here."

The brunet blinked and he stuttered, "Ah… hai."

"That would have been too easy, wouldn't it?" Fai asked brightly as he looked up. Immediately the food that had been so precariously balanced on top of his chopsticks – the mage _really_ had no idea how to use the damned things – slipped off, and the mage pouted. It was an incredibly cute pout, if Kurogane had anything to say about it, but he didn't really. For a few seconds he tried to stab at the rice uselessly before giving up and returning his attention back to the others, shrugging slightly, "Anyhow, we were thinking about going to town to see if Mokona could sense the feather. Well, if Mokona hasn't gone ker-splat, anyway. That really was mean of you, Kuro-rin."

"He deserved it," he replied shortly as he resisted the urge to grab Fai's hands and 'help' him with those chopsticks (1).

"But if Mokona goes ker-splat, then we won't be able to go anywhere anymore."

His mouth automatically opened to say that he wouldn't be going anywhere anyway. But then the words wouldn't come out, leaving him looking like a gaping fish. Fai looked amused by the expression, but not that amused, as if he knew what Kurogane had wanted to say.

He suddenly felt the inexplicable urge to curse, but he was cut off when Syaoran continued.

"So… um… we were wondering if you would be willing to show us around the town, Kurogane-san? I mean, if it is okay with you?"

"Tomoyo-chan said that she could have Souma-san come with us if you were too busy," Sakura supplemented, a worried expression on her face. "I mean, it has been such a long time since you were home, Kurogane-san. If you wanted to have some time to yourself it's fine, really…." Her voice trailed off slightly as she and Syaoran exchanged worried glances. Kurogane took that moment to look at Fai, except it looked like the blond had decided to redirect his attentions back to the use of chopsticks.

He really needed to talk to the mage, especially if this was to continue any further.

"Kurogane-san?"

He blinked and turned to look back at them sharply. "Yes, it's fine. There isn't anyone I need to speak to anyway." Except Tomoyo. And that was less a need to speak to her, rather than a need to wring her neck. If he didn't know better, he would have thought that she'd _planned_ this entire journey she had sent him on for the express purpose of making him more miserable than he already was. Although truth be told, he was under the impression that he should be feeling more… urgently about speaking to her. And yet that desire seemed to have faded slightly over the past several months. It was almost like, he had already waited so long that he could wait a little longer, especially since he needed to calm down a bit more so that he didn't get executed for attempted assassination.

Syaoran smiled, an occurrence that seemed even rarer than when Kurogane decided to feel romantic. Not to be cynical or anything, but the gaki (2) was much too serious. The circumstances warranted it, of course, but sometimes it seemed that Syaoran had stretched his emotions so tight that he was in danger of snapping and having a complete breakdown. One couldn't tell that from the way the teenager carried himself, but there was only so much of this someone could take before they collapsed. It wasn't the same as hiding emotions or anything like that – Kurogane would know that, seeing that the warrior saw it done on the battlefield all the time – but rather trying not have any. _That_ was clearly impossible, and it would hurt him more than anything else in the long run.

"Thank you." The words were spoken so quietly, as if he didn't want Sakura to hear them either. "Although… if the feather isn't in the town, I'm not sure what to do after that. Daidouji-hime was telling us about how the town and palace are the most stable parts of the country, and that there are a lot of areas of potential fighting around. I'd rather avoid that, although we might not have a choice…."

"The feather should be close, Syaoran-kun," Fai smiled reassuringly. "If it wasn't in this vicinity, Mokona would have dropped us somewhere else closer to it. If it isn't in the town, it should be close enough not to cause too much of a trouble." Then he paused and grinned largely. "Besides! I'm sure that with Kuro-wanko here, there shouldn't be any problem whatsoever!"

"Quit it with those stupid nicknames!"

"And when Kuro-pon returns triumphant with the feather, everyone will stand on the streets cheering, "Kuro-pipi! Kuro-tan! Kuro-wan! Kuro-" Fai was practically sparkling with the mental image, causing Kurogane to sweatdrop.

"I said quit it!"

"But Kuro-kuku, it's my sign of my love and adoration. Don't you like my love and adoration? There's no need to be embarrassed of it, honestly… I'll love you no matter what!"

He shook his head, rolling his eyes, "And that's what worries me so much…."

"You don't mean that," Fai pouted.

"You want to bet?"

"How much? Or should I just let you be on top this time?" Fai grinned as Kurogane turned bright red, and the blond reached over to give him a reassuring pet. "I'm only kidding, Kuro-po. But I told you, didn't I?"

He frowned, "Told me what?"

"That I can't sleep on the floor. That's why I slept on top of you – you're much more comfortable than the ground, especially without armor."

Kurogane grunted, turning away from Fai to return to his breakfast. But out of the corner of his eye, he watched their other two companions carefully. Mokona had returned, much to Sakura's delight, and the princess was now playing with the fat bunny. And as for Syaoran… the teen didn't really do anything. He just watched them all, a look of helpless regret and slight anger… anger at himself most likely, if Kurogane was one to judge.

Syaoran didn't… he was not sorry that he had given up his relationship with Sakura if it would save her. But despite that, he could not help but regret that he had to give up something that was so important to him. Sakura, despite the gaps, could continue to live her life in peace without ever knowing what she had lost. He, on the other hand, would carry that burden for the rest of his life, and he had been sharply reminded of that burden through watching the antics of Kurogane and Fai. Because no matter how much they yelled or teased each other, there was an underlying sense of affection – very, very gruff affection, Kurogane knew – that could not be ignored.

It was difficult, wasn't it. To watch something you wanted so much, something you were so close to actually _having_, and then to lose it forever.

Kurogane was beginning to wonder if he was any different.

He was still wondering about it when Sakura and Syaoran decided that they had finished eating, excusing themselves after arranging to meet the others at the palace gates in order to clean up before their excursion. They took Mokona – who was now soggy from the number of times he had fallen into the teapot – with them, leaving their two older companions to settle into a more than awkward silence. An awkward silence brought on by the fact that without them, Kurogane and Fai couldn't keep hiding behind a smokescreen. Sooner or later they would have to be honest with each other, and he wasn't sure where that would lead them.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

For a few minutes, the only thing that could be heard was the sound of chopsticks tapping against the ceramic bowls. He found himself watching Fai in a not-so-subtle way, but either the mage didn't notice or refused to do so. It turned out that Fai wasn't very good at being subtle either, or maybe he just wasn't anymore. The blond had been walking on eggshells ever since they had gotten to this place, but Kurogane just couldn't bring himself to mention it, especially since it all came back to him. Maybe he was being hypocritical, forcing and expecting everyone to be honest with him when he was having trouble being honest with himself.

He was jerked out of his thoughts when Fai suddenly dropped the chopsticks with a half-feigned pout on his face, "Ah, I give up on these things. How do people manage to use them at all?"

"Same as the way people get used to sleeping on the floor."

"Why would they want to start doing those types of things in the first place though?" Fai sounded truly confused by it, as if disturbed that anyone in their right minds would voluntarily decide to start eating with two sticks.

He shrugged, annoyed that they were being brought into the same round-about conversation that they had gotten entangled in the previous night before drifting to sleep, "Maybe they didn't have a choice. Maybe they just didn't know better."

"Maybe," Fai looked slightly wary of that entire concept before he stood up, a smile decorating his face. "Well, I think I'm going to get ready. I believe I've dropped half my breakfast on these pretty clothes that Daidouji-hime lent us, and I better go change."

It didn't take a genius to see that the outfit was conspicuously free of any stains, but Kurogane recognized an excuse when he heard one. So he said nothing when the mage left, leaving him alone to his breakfast and thoughts.

Like that morning when he had woken up alone, the sudden isolation from the others was a strange feeling. And the thoughts he was beginning to have were equally strange, mainly because they had been there for so long and he had yet to really entertain them. But considering how Fai was beginning to seem very uncomfortable just by being in the same room as him, he realized that they really couldn't keep playing this game.

Because… it wasn't really fair to Fai to keep avoiding the topic of what was going to happen after they found Sakura's feather. They all deserved to know, but Fai needed to know the most. Kurogane couldn't keep pretending that everything was going to be fine, which he hadn't really been doing exactly. But by not approaching the situation honestly, he supposed he was sending a strange kind of mixed message to the blond that couldn't be good for anyone's mental health.

But the knowledge that he was going to be staying behind – that he _had_ to stay behind because this was where he _belonged_ – combined with the realization of how much he was giving up by doing so, was making him hesitate. He couldn't really do that anymore, and he really should have brought it up earlier rather than allowing his own emotions get in the way first.

Still….

He was going to have to talk to Fai. Tell him the truth, and they would see where it went from there. He wasn't sure how Fai would take it, but he wasn't sure how he would take it either if the roles were reversed. All he really knew was that this time, he would not allow the mage to change the topic, just because it was something that neither of them wanted to talk about.

Just because he was going to have to give something up in order to keep his _life_ and everything he knew didn't mean he could keep avoiding the subject.

And that made him wonder. Could he, in any sense of the word, give up that thing he had never thought he would want, and still manage to live with himself?

Was he any different from Syaoran?

* * *

Perhaps he wasn't.

Kurogane had… he had never been very good at letting go of things. It was one of the things that had come from trying not to care – it inevitably made him closer to the few things that he chose to worry about. Fai, the two kids, and even _Mokona_ had come to deserve that concern, and that was what made it so much more difficult to get the words out of his mouth after he had stopped Fai.

It was a public street, but with everyone's attention on Sakura – who, missing memories or not, knew how to light up an entire town and catch everyone's smile – it wasn't too difficult to blend in. Or maybe he just ignored all of it because Kurogane was just not the type of person who _could_ blend in with his towering height and angry eyes. Fai's lazy smile made everyone look right through him, but Kurogane was too blatant, too _open_ to be avoided. It wasn't a naïve honesty like Sakura had, but rather an angry, unavoidable truth that nobody really liked to see.

"Was there something you wanted to talk about, Kuro-mun?"

There were many things he wanted – no, needed to talk about, but he wasn't sure where to start.

Fai seemed to notice that he was struggling with the words, and the blond turned his head slightly to look at the others. Despite the mission they were on, Sakura had pulled Syaoran and Mokona into one of the stores to look at the tiny pet dragons they sold, and as they disappeared from view Kurogane realized that if they were to get anywhere, he would have to speak quickly and carefully. But while talking fast was easy for Kurogane, being careful wasn't, and this didn't seem to be the time to act blunt. It might cut through the smokescreens more quickly, but as strained as things were right now, he was certain it wasn't the best approach.

"Yeah."

"Oh?" Fai looked almost amused by how uncomfortable the warrior was becoming. "Is this about this morning?"

"No." The word felt so dry in his mouth, and although he knew that he desperately needed to say more, it wouldn't come out. He couldn't tell if this sudden tongue-tied feeling was because of any vague romantic feelings he might have, or if he was simply unwilling to admit that he was going to betray them so easily.

Because, in the end, that was what he was doing. Even if he had never promised to see this journey through, even though he had flat-out said that his _only_ concern was to get back to _his_ Japan, he still felt like he was abandoning them. And that was something Kurogane had never done in his life to anyone because the only people who got his loyalty were the ones who deserved it, and perhaps they were also the ones who just needed it most.

Like… Fai. That empty smile. How many times had he promised to himself that he was going to do something about that nonsensical grin that meant absolutely nothing? Kurogane had always believed that Fai would eventually snap if the blond was allowed to act the way he did, actively trying to feel something that he didn't. It was different from trying not to feel something – in a way, it seemed more painful to witness because not only was something being hidden, but emotions were being so mercilessly impersonated. Nobody could smile like _that_ while holding everything in and not eventually break down in the process. Before he had come to… love Fai (he still had trouble admitting it, especially to himself), he had always expected some sort of perverse satisfaction from that inevitability, an almost 'I told you so' reaction that would allow him to pull the wizard apart and put him back together… properly, finally. Not with all those gaping holes that seemed so transparent that after a while, Fai didn't really seem like a person of his own anymore.

Of course Kurogane worried about the kid and the princess too, but not as much as he worried about Fai. It was almost like… although they were younger and more in need of protection, they didn't have those missing pieces. Certainly, Sakura was missing her memories, but they were still people in their own right – just with memory gaps. Fai, Kurogane was certain, still had all his memories, but it was almost like he had so many of them that they were just breaking him down into nothing.

He would have liked to say that he was noticing a marked improvement in Fai ever since their relationship started, but that would be a lie. Under different circumstances, that might have come true, but then they had returned here. And while Kurogane had nothing _against_ returning to his home, the resulting change he had seen in the blond was something he didn't know how to handle. It was as if Fai knew what he was thinking, and had taken steps to protect himself from the inevitable betrayal.

"I wonder if Mokona will find the feather quickly," Fai suddenly interrupted, blue eyes looking slightly distant as the mage watched their younger companions emerge from the shop. "Although, I guess that wouldn't be a very good thing."

Kurogane nearly jumped out of his skin, but he settled instead for growling, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Fai looked at him, an empty smile on his face, "Well, when he finds the feather, that means we'll have to leave, doesn't it?"

There. There it was. If he had any doubts that Fai knew what he was thinking, this had certainly dispelled those delusions. The mage was forcing him to confront the topic; in fact, he not only had to confront it but do it with the blond as his witness, and there was no clever way for him to escape. No un-clever way to escape either, if he thought of it. He was trapped, and like any prisoner with an expert interrogator, he talked.

"I'm staying."

The mage's expression never changed, and he was careful not to let his either. But when Fai said nothing, he felt that was an invitation – no, a demand – to continue, "I've paid the Dimension Witch's price, and she's paid her share. My entire goal in this endeavor was to return here, and now that it's fulfilled, I will stay."

A part of him wanted Fai to reject that explanation. Another part of him wanted the blond to try and get more information. All of him wanted some sign that Fai cared, none of him wanted what he got.

"Oh."

He nearly hit his forehead in disgust at that response. "Oh? I'm trying to tell you something important!"

"Oh. Let me try again then." A pause, a smile, and an attempt at a teasing tone. Both failed horribly. "Thank you for telling me?"

For a wild moment, Kurogane wondered if this was a dream. This had to be a dream – no sane person would act like this. Except Fai wasn't exactly a sane person, a fact he had yelled over and over again, and this couldn't be a dream. He felt much too angry for this to be a figment of his imagination.

"Oh? Thank you? Is that all you can say!"

Fai frowned slightly, as if under the impression that Kurogane was acting silly, "Is that all I can say, Kurogane? What else do you want me to say?"

"Well, you can ask why, for one thing!" He didn't know why he was freaking out so much about this, except perhaps because he was feeling guilty about ripping out another piece of the mage and leaving another gaping hole. And the fact that Fai was just _taking_ it, as if there was nothing that could be done about the situation.

But there was nothing that could be done, was there? He had already decided, hadn't he? And nothing Fai could say or do would change that, if he believed his own convictions.

"You already said why. This was what you wanted, right? From the very beginning."

Fai knew. Fai had always known. And he had just been lying to himself to think that the mage was acting funny because of… something else. He had hoped, sort of, that it wasn't him. Hoped because he didn't want to know that he had hurt Fai again after all the effort they both had taken into healing him, and didn't hope because this was a sign that Fai cared deeply for him too. The two conflicting emotions were definitely making him uncomfortable, but it didn't stop the anger.

"So is that it? Just… just knowing that means you're going to walk away from what we have?"

"That's what you're doing, isn't it?"

Damn. He had opened himself to that one – he knew he had opened himself to that one. And worst off, Fai was right. In a way.

"I can't ask you to give up your place because of me," the blond continued slowly. Meticulously. "I can't ask you to change your mind."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because in a relationship, there has to be sacrifices for the greater good," Fai replied monotonously, sounding very much like he was reciting something out of a book, or a well-known proverb, although it sure wasn't anything Kurogane had ever heard of. "If you're happier being here, I shouldn't take that away from you."

By this point, he could only gape, in complete disbelief of what was being said. Suddenly, he felt very much like yelling and shaking Fai, demanding to know exactly _what_ Ashura had done to him to screw him up so badly.

He managed not to do that, if only because he didn't think Fai would appreciate his secrets being spewed out in public just because he was halfway to having a temper tantrum. But he did take the mage by the shoulders, ignoring the slight flinch as – in an unexpected and certainly unusual display of public affection – he suddenly pulled the blond close.

"I don't want to give you up," he growled lowly, almost offended that his lover would think such a thing, or have come to accept it at all. "I don't want to have to sacrifice _you_."

Fai said nothing, although he could have sworn that the mage seemed to lean more deeply into his semi-embrace. As if he was desperate to believe those words, and did so despite himself.

Perhaps it was that gentle leaning in, that rash love, that caused him to say those next words. The words he had contemplated before, although he had never been sure how serious he was.

"I want you to stay here with me."

A slight shudder as Fai looked up at him, a sad smile on his face. "I hoped you wouldn't ask me that."

He didn't have time to respond to that when Syaoran suddenly interrupted them, causing them to jump apart. The brat himself was nowhere in sight, but his voice carried over all too well from beyond the street corner. "Kurogane-san! Fai-san! Mokona said that he sensed something but it's fading fast… we have to hurry!"

"We'll be right there, Syaoran-kun!" It was hard to notice the slightly higher pitch and near crack in the voice, but Fai was good at what he did and Kurogane didn't have time to catch his hand before the blond had sprinted away, as if trying to escape the ghost of what he had left behind all over again.

* * *

Commentary:

(1) Not that it would have worked anyway. I speak from experience – despite the fact that yes, I am Chinese, I am embarrassingly useless when it comes to chopsticks. My dear, sweet roomie (no sarcasm, of course!) tried to teach me the last time we had Japanese, even grabbing my hand and trying to curve the fingers correctly. Needless to say, we'll be at it again the next time we go out to eat. :pitiful sigh:

(2) Gaki – kid, brat. And I happen to think it's absolutely brilliant that both Touya and Kurogane call Syaoran that… XD I don't know why it amuses me so much, but it _does_. Bwa!

And in the next chapter, Kuro-tan and Fai have an argument – ah, I mean, 'discussion', Syaoran comes one step closer to finding Sakura's feather (I hope), and Mokona attempts to eat the palace out of house and home.

There were about sixteen original versions before I ended up writing it this way. Originally none of the conversation in the second half of the chapter was supposed to take place until the next chapter, but I was having problems and this is what came out. Cairnsy-san helped me iron things out for the transition, as the rather abrupt change of plans kinda messed up the flow, so maybe that's why it took a lot longer than the last time to write. :sheepish grin: An excuse, I know. But I apologize ahead of time for how long the next chapter will take… going home and playing on my PS2, that I am.

Anyhow, since this one took so long to be posted, I think I'm going to discuss my updating a bit. I tend to write in bursts, such as no writing for about a week before suddenly spitting out a chapter in one night. In this case, I wrote the first half one night and the second half in one night too… those two nights just happened to be very long in-between. So I can't guarantee when chapters will be up anymore. But if it's of any help, I whine quite pitifully about my progress (or lack thereof) in my livejournal, so if you want to know how a chapter is coming along, feel free to check it out… although you'll have to wade through rantings on college and whatnot. Also, lately I've been jumping between this category and Final Fantasy VII, something I don't usually do because it slows me down, but I love both categories so I apologize for that delay. :P

XD And how has everyone been enjoying the Tsubasa anime? I'm not quite happy with it yet. I feel the characters are much flatter than their manga counterparts and the animation annoys me. I love the opening and closing songs though – so prettyful. :grin:

Again, the long thank you section. I would just go back to a big paragraph or answer only some except I'd feel bad. But we move on! (trills badly) I move on…

Etrangere – Well, unfortunately I have no idea how to get RG Veda… X.x;; Also, it might be hard to believe, but I'm extremely squeamish around violence, so I wasn't sure if I could handle the violence. I think that next time I go to the Japanese bookstore, I might ask my friend to help me out in looking for it, but I first want to find translations for it. I don't suppose you know of any place for that…? (imploring eyes)

Christina – Thank you! Fai's a bit of an oddball… I can't tell if he's hard or easy to write. I guess I'm writing him from Kuro-tan's POV so it's not as big a deal right now, but we'll see!

StormySkys – It has to be addicting. I'm buttering you all up so that when I write a novel, I can have people who will be willing to buy it. XP Just kidding! Anyhow, I also hope I do (or rather did) the next chapter in Fai's POV. He's feeling very neglected.

Sailor Comet – It's Li. XP And I like Syaoran and Sakura! They're too cute together… and incidentally enough, don't try to read up on Souma. I've butchered her horribly because I know nothing about her, and I still feel vaguely guilty about it. XP

Ranma Higurashi – Wah! I'll do my best!

Ali-san-san – Vhat is this The Sphere? Is it a movie? That involves evil tentacles? God, the dirty things I can think of when that phrase came up, but I managed to restrain myself (although Cairnsy-san didn't restrain herself with the sword comments… xX).

Varkias – I think Syaoran might have had one line… (goes back to check) yep! One line! But you're right in that I tend to neglect the characters who aren't the main characters. Souma and Tomoyo are lucky, but Syaoran and Sakura will probably remain neglected throughout the story. I think I'll just tie them together and see if they can find love that way. XP

Youkoforever – Thank you!

nightxXxshade – Ooh, volume 5's a cutie… well, the cover is anyway. XP It's Fai! He's so cute… I really want to draw the cover of volume 5, but if I do I'd probably try to draw all of it (background included), and that would lead to… seething frothing moments of doom. XP So I'm going to avoid it for a while. But volume 5's a good volume… I really enjoyed that one, and it was the last ones I got because they were sold out of it when I went to buy it.

Arteme – if you are attempting to make my head explode from praise, I must say you're doing an excellent job. But mind you, if it explodes _too _well, it'll be difficult collecting all the different pieces to eat. XP Just kidding! Anyhow, thanks! This coupling seriously is THE crack. I haven't been able to write much of anything else ever since I got… drawn into the madness. Both the characters are so amazing and there's so much depth you can get from them, and it's disturbingly fun trying to extract every amount of emotion and thought process you can from them. Ah yes, now we all know I have no life. But still! It is so amazingly fun, and hey, I enjoy your drabbles! I never review them :grimace: which I sincerely apologize for, but they manage to get a lot into a few lines, and that is very impressive.

alyssa – I shall I shall I shall do my best. :)

Wallpaper – Thanks! Yeah, I'm really worried that it'll get extremely dark… which normally I wouldn't mind, but this story just started off much too brightly for something like that to happen. Maybe in a different story, but not this one. :)

Invader Nicole – Yeah, I'm a bit slow with chapters. Used to be a lot better, as anyone in the YGO fandom can tell you, but as of late I'm just so out of it that it's harder to write. On the up side, I think I'm improving. :)

skwid – yeah, it's a small section… but there's a lot of good stuff here. :) Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. XD

Hakudoshi-chan – no, not the last chapter. I'm just really slow… x.x

The Wonderful Baka Neko – Thank you! Character interaction is something I've been trying to work on… sometimes I focus too much on a couple characters and completely neglect the rest, but I guess this means I'm getting a tad better… :)

ebooeboo – That is a very odd name. Where did you get it:curious:

sami – Yeah, I know it's not done. I've just been busy, unfortunately….

Leu-chan – Wah, thank you! Considering how there are so many Kurogane x Fai fics, that's quite a compliment:blush:

bobbyneko – Well, this is an exceptionally cute couple… I can just squish them. :pinches Kurogane's cheek and nearly gets her hand ripped off: Ahh!

deathzero5 – :accidentally drops an octopus on you. Just because. XP:

stressbeertje – hands you a tissue Don't weep! The fun's just getting started:D (is chased away by Kuro-kan waving his sword… and again, _no not that one!_)

Until next time!

PM


	4. 4

Sacrifice

Err, sorry this chapter took so long. I was swamped between finals, work, and an extreme obsession with Final Fantasy (both playing the games and writing fanfiction!), and I was having a lot of trouble deciding how I wanted to start this chapter.

I finally have some idea of how this story will play out, thanks to a little bit of outlining, but it's still a bit sketchy. There will be at least three chapters _after_ this one – possibly four slightly shorter ones depending on how flow works. This particular chapter progresses things for quite a bit for several characters, and hopefully has many things actually _happen_.

I also dutifully note that the official way of spelling Fai's name is 'Fay', and promptly proceed it ignore it for the rest of this story (and possibly for the rest of my life, depending on my mood). I apologize for that if you're a purist, but to be honest I just don't like the look of it. I'll try to start using it in future stories, but not this one. Especially since I keep mentally trying to rhyme it with 'way', which is incredibly annoying.

Anyhow, many thanks to Cairnsy-san, who not only gives me the confidence and inspiration to keep on writing but manages to twist my _very_ innocent statements into sexual innuendoes. XD What would I do without her to keep me sane?

Enjoy!

* * *

_"Syaoran-kun…."_

_He turned to look at her, surprised by her abrupt shift in mood. It seemed like only seconds ago that she had pulled him into this shop to admire the silk flowers, but now she simply looked… tense. As if what she wanted to say was something she was not sure he would want to hear._

_In an attempt to reassure her, he smiled, "Yes, hime?"_

_"I… you…" she looked absolutely flustered, as if unsure of how to continue, but determination forced her to press on nevertheless, "you… you don't have to do this for me."_

_He must have let something show on his face because she immediately blushed and held up her hands, shaking her head vigorously, "No! No, I didn't mean it like that! I mean… I really appreciate… I mean… I'm… I'm really glad that Syaoran-kun would do this for me. Because it is my memories, and I should be the one doing it. But you… you don't care. You and Fai-san and Kurogane-san and Mokona-chan… all of you still do it anyway. And I… I wanted to let you know how much it meant to me."_

_"Hime…" he started, but she suddenly leaned close to him. In fact, she brought her face mere millimeters from his face, and for a moment he remembered this. He remembered the way she had hugged him, the way she had huffed at him, the way she had told him to call her 'Sakura' instead of princess. It seemed so long ago, those simple days when she had promised._

That thing… that thing I wanted to tell you. I'll tell you next time we meet, okay? I'll definitely say it. So just wait for me, okay?

_When she had woken up, a part of him had hoped that… perhaps it would be the time. But he had sold their relationship to the Time Witch in order to save the person he loved, and she would never tell him what she had planned on saying. It pained him to remember that, and although he would give it up all over again if her life demanded it, it would never stop the ache he felt when he looked at her and remembered the way she had looked at him and asked._

… who are you?

_Green eyes peered into his, "I know… I know I don't remember very much. I know that I don't remember you from before we started looking for my memories. But Syaoran-kun…."_

_For a moment she looked like she was going to run away, as if the words that she needed to say were just so much that she could not bear to. But suddenly they spilled out in a desperate rush, as she practically cried out, "I know that if you cared enough about me to do this for me, you wouldn't have had to be so polite. You wouldn't have called me 'hime'. You… you would have… you would have called me by my name. And just my name." _(1)

_Before he could even think to protest, she abruptly turned away from him but not before he could see the flaming red that had enveloped her cheeks. And he could only stare at her, one hand slowly moving over to rest on her shoulder in a comforting gesture almost on its own volition._

_But he did not have time to do so, or to say what he felt needed to be said when Mokona chose that moment to suddenly jump into his arms, eyes open in victory of the find._

_"The feather! Sakura's feather is close by!"

* * *

_

Sakura was not going to be very pleased when she found out that she had fallen asleep again, Syaoran reflected grimly as the princess suddenly fell back into Fai's awaiting arms. It was all terribly convenient, to be truthful, but he chose to say nothing as he watched the mage smile fondly down at the girl. He also chose not to say anything about that strange smile, which did not seem to be as sincere as it had been at breakfast. In fact, even then it had not seemed nearly as real since their stay at the hotel in the previous world, almost as if the blond was now being haunted by something that made smiling impossible. He would have asked about it if he didn't think that the blond would just evade it, and although Syaoran was more patient than most people, he just couldn't stomach the casual ignorance Fai seemed to display when people tried to concern themselves with his affairs. Sometimes he thought it would be easier to just not bother, but at the same time he could not help but think about it.

A part of him wondered how badly the mage must have been hurt in order to make him this way. He supposed he might have ended up the same under different circumstances; for example, if he had never met his adoptive father, or his majesty and the high priest, or most certainly….

"Poor Sakura-chan," Fai murmured as he braced himself slightly to support her weight. "It's been so long since she fell asleep like this, but it seems like she may have over-exerted herself today."

"We should take her back," Kurogane grunted from behind, striding towards them with a neutral expression on his face. Of course, neutral for Kurogane was grumpy for anyone else, but there was no need to comment on _that_. Even if the swordsman was getting better when it came to controlling his temper, his patience still did not extend too far when it came to personal insults. Unless they came from Fai. Because Fai could get away with almost anything these days, except for those few that that really mattered.

Fai looked over at Kurogane with a slightly surprised look, "But we're so close to finding the feather. It might be better if just one of us takes her back while the other two take Mokona and keep looking."

Kurogane said nothing in response to that although his eyes narrowed slightly, but that seemed to quickly fade as a questioning look was thrown at Syaoran. Whether or not that really was his intentions, the mage immediately shook his head – much to Kurogane's frustration, which he expressed by a rolling of the eyes and a soft, impatient grunt.

"No, no, Kuro-pi. Syaoran-kun needs to go with Mokona to find the feather; after all, this is most important to him, isn't it? I'll take Sakura-chan back to the palace, and you can go with Syaoran-kun."

Before Kurogane could argue or Syaoran could even think about hesitantly asking exactly _what_ was going on – because something was obviously going on between the two if Kurogane wanted to keep them together and Fai did not – the mage had turned to Mokona, admonishing him teasingly, "You take good care of them, you hear? The two doggies need somebody to make sure that they don't end up chasing their tails the entire time!"

"Will you stop it with the dog analogies!" Kurogane barked angrily. Fai just turned to grin dopily at him, but the smile didn't seem to reach as far as it could. And while Syaoran knew he could only know about Fai what the mage was willing to tell, he had eyes and he could tell that something was bothering him. The same could be applied to Kurogane – the warrior seemed more short-tempered than he usually was, and while it didn't seem to make much of a difference to most people, it was still blaringly obvious.

A part of him wanted to speak up, to ask his two older friends if something was the matter. But the rest of him seemed to realize that whatever was going on between the two of them was really their own business, and if he was wise – or just interested in his own survival enough to want to keep his mind intact – he would stay out of their way. It didn't make him feel much better though, even if it was the logical course to take. Both Fai and Kurogane always tried to help him out in their odd ways, but now when it was his turn, he couldn't get the words out of his mouth.

"You're acting like a big doggy right now, Kuro-ku."

"Stop calling me by those stupid nicknames! Doesn't this ever get old with you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Fai looked like he might have liked to glomp Kurogane right then and there in the busy street, but luckily Sakura was occupying the mage's arms so no innocent bystanders would be suddenly traumatized. Kurogane just gave another annoyed grunt and looked away, and Syaoran watched as the goofy smile immediately slid off Fai's face.

It only did so for a split-second, and then Fai was turning to Syaoran with a strained smile, "Well, you two should hurry and find Sakura's feather while Mokona can still sense it. Hopefully Sakura-chan will be awake by the time we get back to the palace and then she can wait your triumphant return!"

"… yes," he replied slowly as he looked from one man to the other. Fai was beaming down at him while Kurogane was glaring daggers at the back of the blond's head. It was then that Syaoran decided that really, he could not just leave this alone anymore, and he blurted out, "Is there something I can do for you two?"

Fai didn't even blink, "Now why would you ask that, Syaoran-kun?"

Kurogane said nothing either although he continued to watch the scene unfold. Syaoran could not help but feel the beginnings of a flush crawl up on his cheeks, and the feeling that the two were deliberately trying to patronize him in order to deter him from asking any more questions. But he couldn't let this pass; it would not be fair to him or to his two friends, and he didn't want them to be… like this if he could do anything about it.

"Because you two are acting oddly. I don't know what is going on, but after all the times you've helped me, don't you think I should be allowed to help you too?" He spoke quickly and he seemed to turn a bit red at the thought of speaking to them so openly, but it was something that needed to be done.

Both continued to stare at him as if he had suddenly sprouted another head. When Fai finally opened his mouth to speak, Kurogane interrupted gruffly.

"No. You already have enough to worry about. There's no need for you to worry about our problems too, especially if there's nothing you can do about them. You should just concentrate on finding Sakura's memories."

Syaoran suddenly wondered would Kurogane would say if he had told the warrior that, but managed to bite his tongue when Fai looked over at his lover.

"Besides, it is not as if Kuro-tan is going to be…" Fai's voice trialed off upon a glare from Kurogane, which he returned with a tight smile. "Well, it's true."

"Do you have to tell the entire world?"

"Don't you think he has a right to know?"

Fai was obviously baiting him, but Kurogane didn't know how to let it go. "I don't want to talk about this right now."

"You didn't have any problem with that a few minutes ago."

"Ano…." Syaoran tried to interject, but the two ignored him.

Kurogane was starting to look quite ready to kill, "That was different and you know it."

The mage did not look at all disturbed by this fact, "And how is that, Kuro-mun? Because you say so?"

"If you were going to say that Kurogane-san is staying here, I already know."

Silence.

He let out a soft sigh of relief at having averted a full-blown argument from interrupting. The two never seemed to argue, not about anything important – or at least Fai never seemed capable of losing his temper long enough to let one happen – but that didn't mean it would not happen. In fact, judging by the spectacle he had just witnessed, he had become very close to seeing one blow up right in their face.

All things considered, he knew that he never wanted to see that again.

Syaoran couldn't be sure what was happening, but perhaps he was not supposed to. Different worlds aside, his two companions were very unique people as well. Both had experienced things that he would never come close to, and as a result become more closeted. Fai hid it beneath the smiles and jokes while Kurogane just never opened up, but despite the barriers they placed around themselves he always saw them as something more. And he had watched them become something even more to each other in the process, although neither seemed to acknowledge it until just recently. Which perhaps was why he found their current behaviors more disturbing than everything else combined.

But now that he had their attention, his brow furrowed slightly as he looked over his two companions, trying to figure out the right words to say. "It's just that… Kurogane-san always said he was doing this to get back to his home. I know how important a home is because no matter where you go, the people aren't going to be the same. They're not going to be the people you know. It's like all those different worlds we've been to… we've met people we knew in our worlds, but they were different. And this is Kurogane-san's world. I can't ask him to give it up and continue on with us after he's already accomplished what he has set out to do."

Kurogane said nothing, and neither did Fai, but Syaoran felt almost obligated to continue on regardless. And for a moment, he could hear Sakura again, smiling at him shyly as she told him.

_I… I really appreciate… I mean… I'm… I'm really glad that Syaoran-kun would do this for me. Because it is my memories, and I should be the one doing it. But you… you don't care. You and Fai-san and Kurogane-san and Mokona-chan… all of you still do it anyway. And I… I wanted to let you know how much it meant to me._ (2)

"I… I need to thank you, Kurogane-san."

Kurogane raised an eyebrow and Fai smiled indulgently, but Syaoran ignored both their reactions as he went on, "You've been teaching me how to fight and to… to be a better person. You didn't have to do that; you weren't obligated to help us at all. But you did, and I must thank you for that since we won't have much time left together."

"You shouldn't thank me for something you would have done on your own," Kurogane replied harshly, but despite the callous tone, Syaoran smiled slightly as he recognized the warrior's unconventional way of accepting the thanks. After a moment, Kurogane muttered, "Besides, it's not like I had anything better to do."

Fai grinned and smacked Kurogane on the back, "Aww! Kuro-pipi is so modest!"

This quickly brought the ninja back to reality, "Shut up, you psycho mage!"

"Now that really isn't very nice. But we all know that you're just a big softie deep inside, right?" The statement was emphasized by a casual poke to the stomach. "Right here, underneath all this fat."

"Fat!"

"There's no need to be embarrassed of it."

"Of fat?"

"That wasn't what I was talking about."

Kurogane looked like he didn't quite get it, and Fai looked like he wasn't quite ready to explain it. Or perhaps, he just didn't want to.

"Kurogane-san… Fai-san…" Syaoran's soft voice quickly brought them both back to reality. "I would appreciate it if you both took Sakura back to the palace. I will go on with Mokona alone."

They both looked rather taken aback by the request, and suddenly Fai broke out into an embarrassed smile, "Neh, Syaoran-kun. Really, it'll be no bother if Kuro-pupu comes with you… I mean, this is going to be the last time you two will be able to do this and…" He gave the ninja a sickly grin, waiting for him to continue.

"It's too dangerous," Kurogane finally – and reluctantly – grunted. "This isn't like the other worlds. In the palace it might be safe, but the town is prone to demon attacks and we have enough wannabe assassins to make this search the last thing you will ever do."

"I… I know that. Otherwise, I don't think you would ever have gotten to be so strong." Syaoran smiled almost sheepishly as he continued, "But I think this time, I need to do this on my own. Because you're not going to be here for me anymore, and I'll have to do it on my own anyway. And if I can't do it now, I won't be able to do it later either. I won't be able to help Sakura the way she needs me to help her. I need to prove that I can take care of her my own."

"You don't need to prove anything to anyone, Syaoran-kun."

He shook his head in a polite rebuttal of that statement, "No. I need to prove it to myself. Sakura is the most important person to me. And although I can never be her most important person now, I will still protect her to the best of my abilities. But right now, I need to know that the best of my abilities is enough; otherwise, this might all end up in failure."

There was a moment of silence, and then the blond suddenly placed a hand on his shoulder. Not on his head, but on his shoulder, and the gentle expression graced Fai's face made him look much younger than he seemed when weighted with the burden of whatever it was that he was running away from.

"With a heart as strong as yours, you're not going to fail."

"That's what Mokona thinks too!" the white manjuu bun suddenly piped up – or screamed was more like it – causing Syaoran to smile as he petted Mokona on the head. The magical creature crooned and nuzzled his cheek, which was certainly a strange display for the rest of the town to witness.

"Arigatou, Mokona. Arigatou, Fai-san." He smiled slightly before turning to the final member of their party, the one who was the harshest on each and every one of them. "Do you think you will be fine with it too?"

Kurogane caught his eyes, red meeting brown. Finally, the ninja turned away with a dark huff, muttering gruffly, "I don't think I have much of a choice." Quickly he proceed to busy himself by picking Sakura up, and without turning around to look back, he snapped, "Just make sure you don't get yourself killed, you hear? I'd never hear the end of it from Tomoyo and Souma for leaving you alone, and I have enough problems without having those two harpies screeching into my ears."

Syaoran could not help but grin as Fai waved and followed after Kurogane, leaving him and Mokona to their own devices.

"I won't."

_I have too much to live for.

* * *

_

They walked in relative quiet back to the palace, if you could count the inane song Fai was singing as 'quiet'. Granted, he wasn't singing very loudly, but it was distracting because it was Fai. Which was a completely immature way of looking at it, but Kurogane had long ago given up on trying to be mature when it came to the mage. Maturity was just something that wouldn't work, so there wasn't any point in that.

However, despite how annoying it was starting to become, Kurogane did not want to bring their prior discussion up because he knew they would inevitably end up making a scene – as they had nearly done just a few moments ago – and the mage seemed content to leave it at that too. And although he really should have just asked, a part of him did not want to face whatever decision Fai had made. If the man had even _made_ a decision yet, which knowing Fai was… well, it was really quite impossible to tell.

This too, annoyed him. But everything annoyed him at the moment, not the least the stupid song that was quickly getting itself stuck in his head.

If it was anybody else, he could have ignored it. If it was anybody else….

Stupid Fai singing a stupid song with his stupid nice voice.

Finally, he could just not contain himself anymore as he turned to the blond, "Exactly what are you singing?"

Fai immediately stopped and blinked at him, "Hmm?"

He would have smacked his head in frustration if he wasn't carrying Sakura. It had occurred to him before that the mage could be fairly absent-minded, but like any sane person he had assumed that Fai knew what he was doing. He couldn't be too sure about that anymore.

"That song. The one you were singing… what the hell is it?"

"That?" For a moment Fai looked terribly confused, and then it must have dawned on him as he smiled distantly, "Oh…."

Kurogane raised an eyebrow as he prodded, "Oh, what?"

Fai shrugged, "It's just a song that he used to sing to help me fall asleep. I was very prone to nightmares when I was a child, you know."

_You still are_, he thought silently but did not voice it. Instead, he continued to dig deeper, "Who? Your father?"

"No," was the quick response, one that was much too quick. "Not my father."

"Who then?"

He was starting to become frustrated by the run around that Fai was playing with him. It should have been expected, and although he had already accepted it, that didn't change the way he felt about it. He wanted it to be to the point because for him, he knew that would be the point where Fai trusted him enough. The fact that they had yet to get there made him wonder exactly how far along their relationship they were, even though they hadn't been together for very long. But they had known each other and been through so much together that he thought they would be able to avoid that barrier, but it seemed that the blond simply had too many demons for it to be that simple.

"Somebody I cared for very much."

It didn't take a genius to figure out exactly who Fai was talking about, and he gave the mage an icy look even though he felt anything but cool towards that revelation, "You mean Ashura."

Fai just smiled. "That would be telling."

"What the hell do you mean by that?"

"_That_ means it was something in the past, and I would prefer it if it stays there," was the amicable reply, but the smile that accompanied it was more strained. Obviously, whatever _it_ was demanded not to be spoken of, but considering how Fai was pretty much the one who had brought it to his attention in the first place, Kurogane didn't think it was quite fair to let it drop.

"If you want it to stay in the past, why do you still sing that song?" he asked lowly. A part of him wanted to just scream it, but enough of him respected Fai to keep it between them even if he thought it was not best to just stay there. He wasn't the only person who depended on the mage after all, even if Fai preferred to ignore that fact. "Why do you keep dropping these subtle hints on your past if you don't want anyone to know about it?"

Was it just his way of seeking out attention? Was it his way of calling out for help? Kurogane wanted to ask all of these things, but barely managed to bite his tongue because he wasn't quite sure if the questions even needed to be asked. Besides, the last thing he wanted to do was scare Fai and end up with no answers at all, although considering how few answers he was getting now, it might not have made much of a difference.

The blond shook his head, "It's not as easy as that." Blue eyes lifted finally to catch his. "I don't… I don't know if things will stay the same."

He raised an eyebrow, unsure of the implications of what Fai was trying to say. But despite that, he _needed_ to know. Not for the sake of simply knowing, but for the sake of belief.

Belief that maybe, just maybe, he wasn't quite as immune to those romantic ideals as he had hoped for.

"I want you to trust me."

Fai's light blue eyes widened, and for a wild moment, he wished he could just grab those words and cram them back into his mouth. Which was completely uncharacteristic because usually he was the type of person who would say what was on his mind and to hell with it, but something about the mage made him hesitate at crucial moments. It made him want something like _trust_, which was something he had never truly experienced before this journey.

Nobody had ever trusted him before. Nobody had ever needed to. He was – still was, if he was truthful with himself – a killer, and the most trust people could usually get from him was the promise that he would not kill them in their sleep, if only because he didn't think it was honorable to cause bloodshed when nobody could fight back. But the brat and the princess trusted so easily, without any demands for favors returned. They'd had no reason to trust him, especially a person who had killed as many as him, but they did. Regardless.

He couldn't… he could not expect that from Fai. He could not reasonably expect that from anyone. The fact that he did, in a way, scared him because it seemed to be asking for too much. He knew that he could not trust Fai until he understood what was happening, and he had no right to want something that he could not give himself. But that didn't change that more than anything, he wanted Fai to be able to say what was on his mind rather than to hide behind all these games. The subtle hints, the chilling smile, the flinch of a person who could no longer distinguish between the touch of an enemy and a lover. Maybe Kurogane didn't know about love or romance or even trust, but he knew that it shouldn't be like this. Not… really.

And as for Fai, he couldn't really tell what the mage was thinking. He didn't look… he didn't look all too pleased by the revelation. Perhaps scared, more than anything.

Kurogane could only wonder why.

"Why have you been trying to avoid me?"

It was something he had just noticed. Because now, free of the annoyance he often felt, he could actually stop to think about why Fai acted the way he did. Or rather, he could notice the way Fai acted and try to contemplate it, but mostly he just came up with a big blank. Fai was Fai, mysterious and incomprehensible, and Kurogane had come to realize that if he wanted to figure anything out then he wouldn't be able to do it on his own.

That certainly wasn't something he would want to admit out loud anytime soon. He had long ago decided that the only person he could depend on was himself, and while he was fairly certain that he would never put his life in Fai's watch, he was apparently fine with putting his emotional sanity in the hands of a man who seemed only days away from having the mental breakdown of the century.

And speaking of mental breakdowns, said person was currently giving him an odd look, "Now why would you think something like that?"

He had thought it was fairly obvious but… "Because you keep trying to get away from me. Because you looked unhappy when the brat asked to go alone. Because right now you're acting as if you don't want to talk to me." He took in a deep breath before continuing, his words becoming more fast and angry as he went on. "What the hell is up with you? Is this about what I asked you? Do you need more time to make your decision? Is that what this is all about?"

"No, I do not need more time."

The easy rebuttal made him pause as he looked over the mage suspiciously, "Then why are you avoiding the subject?"

"Because I know you won't like the answer."

And for the first time in his life, Kurogane really felt fear. Strange that it took something like _this_ to make him scared, but he had never allowed himself to feel such a thing when it came to facing down the world.

"You've already decided not to stay, haven't you?"

Fai immediately turned away to look at the palace gates looming closer with every step as he said quietly, "Somebody needs to make sure that Syaoran-kun and Sakura-chan will be okay."

Kurogane had heard a lot of excuses but this was one definitely one of the worst, and he couldn't decide if he felt anger, frustration, or horror as he practically rasped, "That's bullshit. You're still just running away from your problems."

The fact that Fai said nothing to contradict his accusation made him feel decidedly ill, but not as much as it made his anger leap. He'd never had a very good temper, and the way Fai so casually accepted these weaknesses – no, they could not even be labeled _weaknesses_, as they seemed to be on a level completely separate from something as _simple_ as a weakness – was something he could never accept.

"How the hell could you just accept that?" he roared. It was amazing that Sakura didn't wake up from the ruckus, and it was equally amazing that he didn't just accidentally drop the poor girl as he resisted the urge to grab Fai by the shoulders and attempt to shake some sense into him. Although considering how damnedly indifferent the mage was, it probably wouldn't manage to do any good no matter how he tried. He'd probably just stand there and _take_ it, for kami's sake, and the frustration multiplied by twofold. Again. "How the hell could you just… you think running away from this Ashura character is going to help you at all? Do you really think that you can keep doing that? Are you just going to spend the rest of your life going from world to world just because you can't face a single man? He's a man, not a damned god!"

"Kuro-tan…" Fai half-whispered, but he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear that stupid nickname that Fai had given him just to distract him from the real thing.

"Stop calling me that! Stop trying to pretend that nothing is wrong when everything about you is just a lie. Is this how you've always been or is this something you do just to piss me off? I don't understand you, Fai. I _can't_. I can't understand how anybody could give up their life just because of one person. I can't understand how you could give up everything you had because you're afraid of this Ashura character! And you just keep doing it over and over again, even though you've finally found something that you could have come to trust again. But because of him, you're ready to give all of it up. Because of _him_, you're even willing to put the two kids in danger! Did you stop to think of them? Maybe they'll be safer if they go on their own rather than having you with them, which puts them in danger of this nutcase that you're apparently so scared of! And what can you do for them anyway? You won't use your magic, and if you can't worry about your own life how can you protect them either? How can you-"

"I loved him."

He could only stare at Fai for a moment in shock. He had, of course, always known that Ashura had been important to Fai, but he had never been sure in exactly what way. King and mage, ruler and subject… perhaps he had never wanted to believe that they could be anything more than close friends. Perhaps he had never wanted to believe that Fai could love someone who had caused him so much pain, that any person could be stupid enough to allow such a thing to happen.

"What…?" For a moment he could only stare, but the answering silence finally made him explode. "How the… how the hell could you love somebody like _that_? After everything he did to you! Look at you! You can't do anything on your own! You don't care about your own life! How is it that you could say something like that after what he's done? Why!"

"Stop it, Kurogane."

Kurogane flinched slightly at the voice, but he didn't turn around as he growled, "What do you want, Tomoyo?"

He could practically feel sparks flying from his princess's bodyguard, "You will treat the princess with proper respect, Kurogane!"

"Oh shut up, Souma," he ground out through gritted teeth, although that didn't last long when his fellow ninja suddenly grabbed him by the ear and pulled him back viciously. Souma could be quite violent when she wanted to, and even in the presence of Tomoyo she never hesitated to use her strength when it came to reprimanding him. It was a source of constant annoyance for him, but he was under the impression that she knew that all too well and it was why she continued to do it over and over again.

None of that, however, annoyed him nearly as much as the way Fai immediately moved away from him, as if he couldn't get far away enough in time. He might have commented on it if the others had not been around, which in a way said more about him than it did about anything else.

Of course, he might have said something about it if Souma hadn't interrupted, as Souma was a particularly vile woman who was always trying to get in his way. But then again, it might have just been denial, which was certainly something he was not used to.

"You wish to say that again?" she threatened as she tugged on his ear. He glared daggers at her, just knowing that if Sakura hadn't been occupying his arms at the moment, he would have either pulled his sword on her or tried for a more direct method. Like strangling her. If wouldn't be that difficult, really.

Unfortunately, Sakura was in his arms and no matter how easygoing Tomoyo was, he somehow doubted she would let him get away with murder. Besides, all of this was just a distraction from the real problem. He would know that all too well if he could calm himself down to think it all through.

But for Kurogane, temper had always taken precedence over common sense, and it wasn't until the raven-haired princess laid a gentle hand on his arm that he could enough of the anger slip away to quell his sudden hatred for his friend.

"That's enough."

She didn't say anything else. She didn't need to say anything else, and all of them knew that. There was something about Tomoyo, the way she let everyone know what she was thinking without really having to say it. It might have been the royalty or it might have been the quiet disappointment that would follow if someone didn't listen to her. He couldn't really tell, but it wasn't exactly something he had tried to analyze.

He had spent enough time trying to analyze Fai, and considering where it had gotten him, maybe it was best if he stopped while he was still alive.

"I think we'll be fine from here, Fai-san." The sudden statement drew three looks of dazed surprise, and Tomoyo beamed at them all. "Kurogane, you know where Sakura-chan's room is. I think it would be best if you and Souma took her there."

The warrior immediately turned his glance to Fai, who looked as confused as the rest of them. However, Tomoyo noticed the glance and let out a soft chuckle that sounded more evil than anything else.

"Oh no, Fai-san and I have something to discuss." Before anyone could protest – if anyone was brave enough to do so – she had taken Fai by the hands. "I have this outfit that I think would look absolutely _brilliant_ on you if I can get it fitted right! You'll help me, right? Kurogane is so mean… he won't let me put him in anything, even though I could make him look so much better."

It was amazing how Tomoyo could always pose questions in ways that made people know there was only _one_ answer. And as Fai nodded weakly, the manipulative freak let go of his hands in order to clap enthusiastically. "Well! Since that's settled, let's be off!"

With that, she immediately turned to walk through the elaborate palace gates, Fai quick on her heels. Kurogane watched them go, and felt the slightest pang of disappointment when the mage didn't turn to say good-bye. It was something he should have expected, but it was also something he would continue to hope for no matter the circumstances.

"You're lucky hime-sama and I were here when we were," Souma's sharp voice suddenly interrupted his reverie, and he turned back to scowl at her. She easily matched his scowl and continued, "If you had gone any further, you could have said good-bye to any relationship between the two of you."

"I didn't ask you for your opinion," he snapped as he shifted Sakura's sleeping form slightly before stepping past her. He hoped she would get the message but she followed him.

"I didn't wait for you to ask, did I? Why did you have to say those things to him? Don't you know how much it hurts to be accused like that, especially after he told you what you've been wanting to hear?"

He almost stopped at her words, and it was only now that the anger had finally started to calm down to leave him with the guilt of reflection that he realized how disturbingly right he was. Considering his reaction, it was no wonder why Fai had refused to tell him these things before. Hell, with the blond being so damned perceptive, he had probably _expected_ this type of reaction, and Kurogane had certainly not failed to match up to those expectations.

"I just don't understand him."

It sounded almost pitiful, but it was the most truth he could deal with at the moment. He kept walking, confident that Souma would follow him because right now she was the only person who could help him put everything into perspective.

"What do you mean by that?"

He shrugged, trying to ignore the defeat that danced in his words. "He won't stay."

A silence followed this proclamation, and he stopped to turn and look at Souma who had stopped dead in her tracks. The expression on her face seemed to be a mix of surprise and annoyance, and he glared at her, "Well? Spit it out already."

She let out a soft breath, shaking her head as she gave him a look that might have been pity if anybody could have felt pity for someone like him, "You shouldn't have asked him to stay here with you. That wasn't fair."

"What's not fair?" he snapped. "Are you trying to tell me that it wasn't fair of me to force him to make up his god damned mind for once in his life?"

"No," she replied sharply, and now he could tell that it _was_ pity. "What I'm trying to tell you is that it wasn't fair of you to force him to make the decision of keeping this relationship together. You're the one who wants to stay in this world – you never gave him that choice. And now you're trying to make him decide for you.

"You're forcing him to make _your_ decision, and that just isn't fair."

* * *

Commentary:

(1) I don't know if this is pushing the loss of their relationship a bit too far, and if Sakura should have forgotten all of this the instant she told him that. But I guess I feel a little sorry for them since I've been neglecting the pair so much in this fanfic, and I thought they deserved a little fluff. :)

(2) Yeah, because I'm sure you've already forgotten this passage even though it's only been one page….

And in the next chapter, we meet the current owner of the feather, Fai attempts to escape from Tomoyo's strange fashion sense, and Kurogane discovers how hard acceptance really is.

I apologize profusely for how long this chapter took. Really, it shouldn't have taken me this long to write it, and I feel bad for making everyone wait this long. I'm hoping the next chapter will not take as long but I'm not holding my breath – I'm out of commission for two weeks because I'm going on a trip to Taiwan, and shortly after that I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled which is bound to make my coherence drop to the negatives. So I'm _hoping_ I can get the next chapter out within two months, but I'm not making any guarantees.

In other news, I've decided to write the prequel and sequel to this story. I know it's a bit early to be thinking about these things, but actually both stories are something that have been bothering me for quite some time – one of them, in fact, was started _before_ this story. The prequel will detail Fai's life in Celes, and the sequel will contain the ever infamous Ashura x Fai x Kurogane triangle that is bound to make my head hurt even more (and everyone else's too…).

Until next time (which hopefully will not be four months later…)!

PM

Thank you's again! XD I apologize if I miss anyone, and I had to cut down these notes because they were just getting so long….

deathzero5 – Although now that I think of it, this might be octopus abuse. I mean, the poor octopus. It just wants to live too… wants to live to see the next day… and all that… yes. Yeah. Ignore me, my brain's just nonfunctioning.

Feirdra – I think we love him because he is a messed up character, but maybe that's just me. XD I'm a sucker for angsty characters that I can torment mercilessly, and Fai just about takes the case for being angsty yet… cute, cuddly, and all-around adorable.

eFooeFoo – wow. That's a crapload of questions. I'll answer them, but it's going to be messy… Here is your Syaoran x Sakura. I don't know Kuro-pu's last name, but I don't think it'll show up. Kurogane's on top because Fai's more flexible (I made that up). Kuro-Kuro does not look like a lego man in his armor. I say this because I don't want to be stabbed by said lego man. My favorite foods are our home-made lasagna, fried noodles, and popcorn. Mokona scares me at times, but he's a scream. Love him. Actually, I've had longer reviews, sadly. I prefer Cookies and Cream ice cream – it's my favorite. And I guess you're right that there aren't _too_ many Kuro x Fai fics, but there are really good ones. I think if you two worked together, we'll need to hire a cleaning crew to wash off the blood from the ground. What site is this? Yes, I love Fai's hair. I think you did mention that you love this story. I have yet to witness lunch food mutating to that extreme, but the food at the cafetaria is getting pretty close. Yes, I am in college – I'm a sophomore at Berkeley. Kurogane will meet Ashura, but not in this story. Unless you mean the manga. For the manga, I'm caught up with the most recent chapters. For the anime, hate it. I don't love food to death – my roomie thinks I'm anorexic. I'm really not. I do love Kuro-chan, but not to death. That I save for Vincent from FFVII because that man practically is dead. No Fai-why POV in this story. I try to imagine the characters doing those actions. If I can't see it, I don't write it. I refer a lot to the manga to keep people straight. As for music, I listen to a lot of Japanese pop-soft rock-anime, but as of late I'm stuck on the Final Fantasy soundtracks. Whoo, that was long! I hope I didn't miss anything! And thanks for explaining your name! XD

Shinoko Minako – Wow. You really made me blush. :) Thank you for your review… it's always really nice when someone reviews like that because it's really inspiring. All reviews are nice, of course, but that was one was the kind that really makes you want to keep writing. It make sme want to apologize profusely for slacking or writing different things :laugh:. But seriously, thanks. XP Although I'm not quite sure how I'm intriguing… besides the fact that I'm slightly psychotic. Not sure how to publish this either… XD I somehow don't think CLAMP would be willing to lend me their characters to make any money off of them.

Mizu – I can kinda use chopsticks, just not properly. Drives my mom nutters.

Sahara Storm – A part of me is really happy that you reviewed so much later than I posted because I feel less guilt about taking so long to update after you took the time to write such a nice review. Thank you!

And thank you's to the other readers and reviewers too: The Wonderful Baka Neko, Taigaa-Gina, Hakudoshi-chan, Sei Kou Ki, bobbyneko, skwid, Sakura-chan, Ranma Higurashi, Wallpaper, Psycho X, MonkeyGurL, La Varla-chan, Iridescent Twilight, Naoko Tasaki, Jill Rocca, rebellion2fate, Shaniane, Rathrahk: Rahkshi of Yaoi, Lilymon, and Fay. :)


	5. 5

Sacrifice

In this chapter, I do two things. One is that I introduce the twit who currently has the feather. If you recognize him, kudos to you. If not, I guarantee that he is not an OC – he is a character from a different CLAMP series who I happen to like very much, even if I wish that he would just expire quickly. That's not the sort of attitude you want to have towards your favorite character, but he doesn't really inspire warm and fuzzy feelings either….

The second thing is that I make gratuitous use of chibi Kurogane's parentals. I'm not detailing his past because CLAMP is finally getting to that on their own, but I will make a few assumptions on his parents. It's funny, but before chapter 92, I never really thought about him as having parents. Strange, ne?

Speaking of chapters, I've been following the manga and as of chapter 96, it seems reasonably consistent. In that, this does mean spoilers. This entire fanfic has been rather spoiler-filled since the beginning, but I thought I should make a double warning of it this time around. :)

And beyond all that, a not-so-obligatory thanks to Cairnsy-san, who always manages to send me into little squeaks of happiness with her helpful comments. Sankyuu!

* * *

He did not know how long he had stood there before he felt another person's presence coming towards him. It might have been longer than he thought, for he had found himself standing here almost by accident. Before, Kurogane had always avoided this building simply because of the memories it gave him, and they were not ones that he was particularly fond of. But it was a quiet place to think, and right now he needed to do that more than anything.

Arms crossed, eyes forward, he did not bother to turn around as he heard soft footsteps approaching, instead saying simply, "I promised to protect them. But I never did."

"You were young." He could almost _feel_ Tomoyo's gentle smile, a concept that really did not make much sense, but he had never bothered to question it.

In response, he simply snorted, keeping his vision trained on the bell that took up the bulk of the small shrine. He did not even bother to think about her words because they had immediately been dismissed as pointless comfort – youth was never an excuse, and it never should be. If he had figured that out sooner, he might have been able to do something. But now that he knew this, it was too late and the only thing he could do was stand here, thinking of how miserably he had failed when it came to protecting his parents, and wondering if he was allowing it to happen all over again.

And as the princess stepped next to him, she laid a hand on his arm and repeated quietly, "You were young."

"It is not an excuse."

"It should never be, but what matters is that-"

His grunt of disgust did not even allow her to finish what she was to say, and her hand dropped. She clasped them together in a gentle prayer instead, but the slight stiffness in her movements was the only sign of discomfort that she gave off. He might have regretted it, but at the moment he regretted very little. Between Fai and… well, there was nothing else. It all went back to the mage because the blond was the reason why he was in this situation. It might have been easier to just stay here if it wasn't for the fact that he was leaving something behind, but a part of him wondered if that was not just an excuse so he could blame someone else. Didn't Souma accuse him of forcing Fai to make his decision? And now, wasn't he just passing on the blame to the mage, the fact that he was abandoning something ion the middle?

He had never stopped in the middle of anything. If there was one thing he was always determined to do, it was see things through to the conclusion.

Unwilling to go on that train of thought, he turned sharply to look at Tomoyo. She was still murmuring a silent prayer, and he almost flinched at the fact that he had not been able to do that himself. A part of him had always balked at the idea of giving into the reality that they were both gone, along with his childhood. It had never bothered him much until this journey, where people who didn't seem capable of taking life seriously suddenly surrounded him on all sides. Or perhaps he was simply generalizing to Fai's attitude. Casual disrespect for something you only had _one_ of had always irritated him, especially since Fai was worth so much more than that.

They stood in silence as he waited for her to finish, and in that time he continued to look her over carefully. Tomoyo looked composed, as she always did, and her placid expression revealed nothing of what he was searching for – if he even knew what that was. After the princess had walked away with Fai, Souma had taken Sakura with barely a backward glance, pausing only to tell him that he needed to figure things out before it was too late.

By that point, he could only stand there, trying to collect his thoughts and figure out what was going on. Was Souma right? It was not often that he doubted himself – doubt usually got you killed, which was why it was best avoided. But if he stopped to think about it calmly, her words had made a disturbing amount of sense, and then he would remember that look on Fai's face. That face of utter defeat, telling him what he had wanted to know and knowing exactly how he would react….

Fai… Fai was not stupid. The mage was careless, yes, but certainly not stupid. Perhaps it was he who was in the dark, so busy trying to figure out what he wanted that he could no longer recognize when he got it.

She lifted his eyes, and he found those words tumbling from his mouth. Those desperate, pitiful words that he still tried to disguise as being calm and demanding. "What did you tell him?"

It didn't fool her. Nothing seemed to fool her, and she let him know that with a serene smile that he would have tried wiping off using physical force if he had not known better. After all, the last time he had tried that, he'd found himself dangling upside down from one of the roof beams.

"Nothing," she replied simply as she looked at him, her dark blue eyes unreadable. "Have you come to make an offering to the dead?"

"You're changing the subject." He hated it when people tried that. The fact that they thought he was stupid enough to be fooled irritated him, and it was a problem he had sworn to break Fai of. Of course, he had not anticipated breaking the mage before they could even get started on the bad habits, and he cursed himself mentally at the reminder of something else he had to fix. Something else he had to fix if Fai would let him… trust him enough to allow him to get close enough to help… and would it surprise him if Fai would not? Just look at how much had the blond gone through before confessing that….

His stomach made a sickly flip before he could finish that thought. Ashura. It all went back to Ashura, whether he liked it or not. And he did not, partly because he hated what Fai was like and partly because he was a selfish bastard who didn't want to know these things, yet had to because his mind could never rest until he knew all the dirty secrets. The fact that he could not deal with those secrets was a sign that perhaps he had not grown up enough, despite everything he had been through and everything that he had _done_ to distance himself from that innocent child who didn't know one end of a sword from another and that naïve teenager who couldn't protect the two people cared for most.

The lesson he had learned from losing his parents was that it was stupid to tie your emotions to people. After all, humans were naturally fragile, and yet… weren't people the only thing worth tying your emotions and loyalties to?

Tomoyo was staring at him, her eyes gentle and yet so penetrating. He wondered how long it had taken her to master that expression, but decided that it was probably some god-given talent. His mother had the same look whenever she had wanted him to tell the truth behind his newest collection of scrapes, and he found that he could not be resentful when it was so obvious that she cared.

And oddly enough, it did not help that Tomoyo was no longer smiling. He had always thought that a serious expression was better for serious situations, and that silly smile always made him feel like he was being mocked. But now that it was gone, he felt strange and _guilty_.

"I told him nothing. He told me a few things. Why?"

If it wasn't for the fact that it was Tomoyo – and no one could say no to the princess – he would have been irritated that Fai could tell someone else what could not be told to him. Because as much as Fai had managed to confess to him, he knew that there was still more. The entire idea of him being in love with _Ashura_ was mind-boggling, but there had to be something else. And he might never know what that was, something that would haunt him to his dying day if he allowed it to lay like that.

His voice was low as he asked, "What did he say?"

"Would you want me telling him your secrets?"

That shut him up, and he crossed his arms and made a small sound that might have been a humph. Tomoyo obviously thought so because she giggled girlishly, and asked, "Why do you care so much, Kurogane?"

He gave her a look. Wasn't it _obvious_? Did he really have to spell it out, or was it because she wanted him to admit it out loud that she asked?

"Why shouldn't I?" he finally said, almost reluctantly. It was the closest he would get to saying it, and both of them knew it. He had changed – he accepted that – but there were some things that he couldn't say just yet.

Because admitting that Fai… that Fai was someone to him… and not only Fai. But Sakura and the brat and everyone… it would have been so much easier, if he had not had to think about them as well. If it had been the beginning, it would not have mattered. They barely knew each other, and he owed no loyalties. He had a home, he knew where he belonged, and if that was what he wanted then he would work towards that goal… right? Except things had changed as the journey's length had increased, allowing him to see things that he had never witnessed before. The way Sakura struggled to figure out who she was and where she belonged, Syaoran fighting to save something even knowing that it would never be the same, and Fai… it sometimes seemed like Fai wanted to change, but could not. And hated himself for that because Fai knew that he needed to change, that he could not be that way forever… and yet he could not.

It had transformed him, to watch people grow up around him. To remind him that no matter how mature you became, there was always room for change, and sometimes it was for the better. Even if it was something like admitting that he could have weaknesses, that he could allow himself to care for others and to… he did not depend on them, but _should anything happen to them…._

He could not allow that to happen. He could not allow that to happen not for their sakes, but for his own.

Because if anything did happen, it would be on him. And even if he did not know what happened to them after they left, he would always wonder. He would spend the rest of his life wondering if they would be okay, if the brat had found all of Sakura's feathers, if Sakura would remember the person who gave up so much for her, _if the stupid bunny would ever speak sense_, if Fai could _ever_ learn to smile without that wariness behind his eyes, as if he was afraid that the situation would crumble right before him….

In a way, he wanted to laugh. For so long, he had been angry at Fai, angry at what the blond had become because of someone else. Fai should not have to run, nor should he have to hide who he was. Kurogane did not know what Ashura had done – although he now knew what the king had _meant_, as much as he wished otherwise – but he had always felt that it was ridiculous to change so damn _much_ because of a single person. It was not right to have to change yourself because of someone else.

In his defense, it hadn't just been one person. But perhaps he understood Fai a little better because of it.

Tomoyo had said nothing up to this point, knowing that she did not need to. He raised an eyebrow as he looked her over, and finally said, "You knew this was going to happen, didn't you?"

"I didn't know this precisely was going to happen, no," she replied. "But I hoped…."

"You ruined my life, you know," he interrupted scathingly.

The princess laughed, "It's so much better now though, isn't it?"

And he found that quite honestly, he could not disagree.

* * *

Syaoran hissed in pain as something grazed his cheek, deep enough so that he could smell and feel the blood as it dripped down his face. He did not have long to think on it as a brief flash of light caught his eye, causing him to immediately throw himself to the side as the sound of another object trying to run him through echoed through the darkness.

It was amazing that he had avoided them – whatever they were – for as long as he had. He could not see anything, and judging by the fact that Mokona had yet to say anything, the white manju bun had probably avoided his fate with that uncanny luck that only Mokona and Sakura seemed to possess. There was not much to remember about how he had gotten here; one moment Mokona had been pointing out a door, the next he had his hand on the entryway and everything had gone black.

He was not sure how long he had endured the emptiness, trying to see when there was nothing to see. Walking forward had not helped – there was nothing to walk towards, and there was nothing in the area to stop him. And as if that was not enough already, _this_ had started. It was only through quick action that he was able to avoid impaling himself on whatever was trying to kill him, and he quietly thanked Kurogane for his training every time he escaped an unhappy fate.

But as he dodged death, he could not help but wonder what was going on. He did not really think that he had done anything as of late to deserve such an untimely demise, and even if he had there was really no way he was going to allow it to happen. Sakura needed him, and in return he depended on her in a way that he could not quite describe.

He did not have long to dwell on that thought. A quick jump to the side kept him from getting impaled, and he cursed softly as he made an awkward landing. That alone should have been able to doom him, and although he scrabbled to his feet as quickly as possible, he prepared himself for that inevitable flash of light and pain.

What he got instead was just the light, although to say 'just' was an understatement because there was quite a bit more of it this time. It illuminated the crystals that donned the room, strangely shaped things that towered over him and gave off his reflection, although he could not see it in the sudden blinding light. It took him a moment to get his vision back, but once he did he took a quick look around. It didn't take much thought to realize that wherever he was, it not where he really was. The area was too large to be the inside of a building, and simply too surreal to even be a part of this world.

Although this would have been worrisome to most people, most people had not gone through the same things that he had. Syaoran instead felt oddly apathetic, if slightly worn from his previous exertions that had gone into preserving his life. But after everything he had gone through… well, between the ghosts, demons, virtual reality worlds, and mind-boggling time travel, this was really just a part of the strange fare they got during the hunt for Sakura's feathers. It was odd, yes, but no odder than anything else they had experienced….

Something had to be wrong when one could get so used to such things. But it was never anything he really thought about because there were more important matters.

Such as the fact that there was someone there, someone so white and pale that he almost missed him. The figure sat awkwardly on one of the crystals, his trailing white robes seeming to blend into the ground. Even the blond hair that was so bright with Fai was strangely dulled by this person, and the only apparent color seemed to be the large, despondent eyes of deep gold.

"Who are you?"

The stranger's voice was quiet and the words were spoken slowly and carefully. It was the mark of someone who did not speak much at all, and judging from the man's appearance, it did not seem unlikely that whoever this was had very little human interaction at all.

Still, a question had been asked, and Syaoran had been raised to be polite. It took him a moment to find his voice though, and when he finally found it, his words came out louder than he had expected. Probably a symptom of his nervousness, or perhaps it was because of the way his voice echoed even though there were no walls to echo off of.

"Syaoran. I'm Syaoran." He risked a step forward, but the distance between them did not seem to lessen, and he found himself swamped with questions but unsure of where to start. He finally blurted, "What is this place?"

"A dream," the blond replied simply. His tone seemed tired, and he looked rather sleepy even as he ran a thin hand down the length of one of the crystals.

That explained out of world experience, but it wasn't exactly realistic and it certainly didn't give him any clues to how he had ended up here. But Syaoran was the intelligent sort, and considering how there was only one other person there, he came to a certain conclusion. "Is this your dream?"

The man nodded, and if he looked carefully, he could see that those gold eyes were slitted, like a cat's. And then he remembered a story that Fujitaka had told him about people who could see the future in their dreams, although the more powerful ones could do so much more. His adopted father could not tell him much more than that – not much more was _known_, after all – but he was suddenly left with no doubt that this person was one of those fabled dreamseers that were thought to have died out long ago, if they had ever existed.

Which, as the person before him demonstrated, they obviously had.

Knowing that though, he was not sure of what to do with the information. It helped to explain – to a certain extent – what was going on, but he didn't even know what to do now. He decided that perhaps the best solution was to establish some form of communication with the pale blond who was watching him calmly, as if waiting for him to do something when he didn't really have anything to do.

"What is your name?" he finally asked politely, and those gold eyes closed slowly, as if in contemplation of a difficult question. It took a while for there to be an answer, but eventually it came.

"Kuzuki Kakyou." (1)

He tested the name out slowly, addressing the dreamseer, "Kuzuki-san…"

Gold eyes opened quickly, betraying a mild surprise at being addressed in such a formal matter, but he plowed on nevertheless, "Why are you doing this?"

After all, despite the current civilized dialogue they were engaged in, there had been that little matter of the murderous greeting he had been dodging just moments ago. There had to be a reason for that because the blond didn't really look like the violent sort, and he seemed all in all to be a perfectly nice person, if a bit odd and distant.

Kakyou seemed to hesitate, giving him a humanness that he had before seemed completely devoid of. It was like watching a corpse breathe, a disconcerting sight indeed, and cat eyes faded slowly into a normal human's as the dreamseer looked him over, cocking his head slightly in question. As if waiting, perhaps, to see if Syaoran was joking.

But Syaoran was not joking, and the awkward silence was finally broken when the blond said slowly, and with a tone of something similar to regret, "I have something you want."

He did not even need to guess what that was. There was only one thing that he wanted, one thing that he desperately needed in order to bring the person he cared about back even if she would never remember him again.

"Please," he said, knowing it would not work but trying nevertheless because one never knew what the consequences would be. "Please, can I have Sakura's feather back?"

What would she say, knowing he was so informal when she was not around. That he _could_ be informal, despite his over exaggerated politeness? Being so proper kept him from lapsing, from forgetting that she wasn't really the same person. But would she be pleased? Angry? The old Sakura used to pout and scowl when he called her princess, and although there really was no new Sakura either, it was not the same. Despite what she said to him before, despite everything he did, despite how much he _cared_ for her… she did not remember him. It was because he cared that she would not remember, and if she tried – and she had – those few wisps of memory would be immediately forgotten.

But he could not help but wonder. What would she say, if she could hear him calling her as he used to?

"No." As expected as it was, his heart still sank, and those strangely colored eyes closed again. "Please leave now."

He shook his head, "I can't. I need the feather back."

He needed to have her smile again, to not worry about missing memories and trying to figure out who she was all over again. But would it be enough, getting the feathers back for her? He had always wondered what it was like for her to experience her old memories again, as if for the first time. Was there a Syaoran-shaped hole in them where he had once been, or were those memories simply gone forever?

And could she ever be the same person if that was how it was?

Syaoran did not, however, have long to dwell on that. Before he could blink, Kakyou silently pointed at the ground. He gave him a look of surprise before following where the finger indicated, and did not even have a chance to protest as the ground suddenly turned to water.

He most certainly did not have time move away before he found himself sinking into the abyss, and then there was nothing.

* * *

After Tomoyo had left the shrine, he had not wasted any time in leaving himself. Perhaps he should have done something more to show his respect for his parents, but he'd always operated under the assumption that the dead could wait. The living, more often than not, could not. It had something to do with the entire breathing aspect, he supposed sardonically. Breathing increased decomposition, and the art of dying usually propelled one to do some changing.

The princess had left him with a subtle hint on where Fai was to be found, but he was not surprised when he reached his room to find that the mage was nowhere to be seen. After all, Fai was good at running away, if the purpose of this journey was to be of any indication.

Knowing that wasn't enough to keep at bay the flash of annoyance that he felt, although he was wise enough not to let it slow him down. Fai was Fai, and as ridiculous and incomprehendable the blond was, it didn't change how he felt. Otherwise, he never would have gotten to this point and his life would have been so much _easier_, but then, unlike the other, he did not always take the easy way out.

The hallways around the guest rooms were empty as well, cleared of people as the entire palace made their way to the courtyard in preparation for the festival. Kurogane had actually forgotten about that thing, although it was to be expected. He had never participated in the celebrations, instead locking himself in his room to avoid all the people. It wasn't until Tomoyo or Souma came along that he would be forced to come watch the fireworks. It didn't matter how much he complained or threatened – they'd keep on pulling – or in Souma's case, _dragging_ – until he found himself outside, staring as colors lit the sky in a dazzling display of waste.

Because that was what it was – waste. Strange that everyone could be so impressed with something they would later use to blow up demons and enemies, but then maybe it was just because they had been able to set aside their warmaking for a little bit to enjoy the beauty that should have come from such weapons. That's what Souma used to tell him, at least, but he had never believed it. He still didn't quite believe it, having seen enough death and killing (and participated in a fair amount of it himself, although that was a different story) in this life and next. Even on the journey he had not been immune; being a member of Yasha's army while under Tomoyo's spell had spared him of the killing, but nobody seemed to ever notice how every killing blow was dealt by one of Fai's trusty arrows. They saw an enemy fall, not quite dead but seeming to be, and after they turned away an arrow would be nestled deep in the now-corpse's throat.

Fai had wasted a lot of arrows that way. Kurogane had been spared of losing all his strength. (2)

Despite the lack of communication, they had worked it out in some way. At first Kurogane had hoped that Fai would pick up the language, as the mage seemed to be quick to use his mind. But either Fai just did not get it or did not bother to try because two months in and the man still could not distinguish between 'hello' and 'good-bye'. They had been forced to figure out a different way to cooperate instead, and that had brought them closer together than anything else could have done. Even if he had started to get irritated at the strange noises coming out of the blond's mouth.

Although they had begun to understand each other a little better, reading body language and subtle signals, Fai had often been alone during that long half-year in the palace on the moon (3). He had often wondered what the blond was thinking about or even doing, and while he'd been content to let Fai be on his own, he'd felt slightly guilty for doing nothing to ease the isolation. It was something he had regretted later, and perhaps part of the reason why he was reluctant to allow it to happen again.

Maybe that was why it did not matter how overly extravagant the fireworks were this year. All he knew was that somewhere in this steadily darkening palace – the servants did not even bother to light the lanterns, assuming everyone would be going outside to watch – was some half-baked wizard who was by himself. Kurogane could not really allow for that, especially since he had so much to make up for. Or rather, not to make up for, but to come to a mutual understanding. Or at least a misunderstanding since he did not understand Fai, and highly doubted that Fai understood himself either. Kurogane was not too pleased with that concept, but he supposed that he shouldn't hold it against the mage too much.

Eventually he found Fai leaning on one of the balconies out of pure luck. The blond hair was easy to spot, and better yet was that the mage was alone, although who else he could have been with was a question unasked. He did not bother to hide his footsteps as he approached the man, and Fai in turn did not bother to do much but turn and look at him. An awkward smile fell across the pale face when he stopped about an arm's length away in order to take in the view.

"Do you like it?" the mage asked after a short silence, one gloved hand indicating the rest of the outfit. He nodded, shortly. It was certainly better than Tomoyo's other designs, which tended to be on the side of the grandiose. Tomoyo had wisely cut down on the frills this time and opted for simplicity so as not to overwhelm Fai's slim figure. The black garment was simple with orange trim, and a dragon twisted its way to the knees (4). For a moment he found himself unable to speak as he stared at the dragon, which not only was the same shade as Fai's sky blue eyes but had also once decorated his father's muscular arm.

"Daidouji-hime said you might."

He was not sure how to respond to that. Although he might have sorted out his thoughts just moments ago, the current situation was still awkward and he was not sure how to approach it. Normally he would not pause to think before running into things headfirst, but considering how things had turned out the last time he'd tried that, he thought it best to take things a little more slowly.

Fai's expression was not really helping either. The smile had dropped and the mage actually looked disturbed, a change from the unperturbed expression that usually decorated his face. Like the way Tomoyo's serious face had unnerved him, this display of emotion was starting to bother him. It seemed that he was never very good at accepting the things he wished for, and for a moment he wanted to laugh at the sheer idiocy of such a thought. After all, he had always wanted to see the real Fai, and now that the mage was dropping all his defenses, he could only stare in wonder. This sudden openness was not even as sudden as he made it out to be in his head. If he had bothered to notice, he would have figured out that it was only an extension of what had been happening all this time. Those small flinches and ducking away should not have been written away as typical insane behavior, as they were now clearly anything but.

It was too late to be regretting his blindness now though, and if there was one thing Kurogane tried to do, it was to not dwell on the past too much. Or rather, he tried not to let it hold him down, using it instead as incentive to improve, to become better than anyone else so that what happened before would _never_ happen again.

Slowly, more out of care than hesitance, he reached over to take Fai by the hand. The mage looked surprised as he started to draw him away from the balcony, blow slightly furrowed as he contemplated the warrior.

"I wasn't going to jump, Kurogane."

He immediately opened his mouth to respond, but found that he did not know how. Instead his jaw closed as he gave Fai an odd look, complete with a raised eyebrow. He wasn't sure what disturbed him more – the sudden formality or the morbid conversation starter. Again, strange that Fai _finally_ using his actual name was on equal standing as a suicidal thought, especially one that was announced before anything had really been said. But Fai was not what one could call normal, and it troubled him to hear the mage talk of a serious matter so easily, especially in conjunction with the dropping of all silly nicknames.

His silence gave Fai time to continue in a voice of such forced cheer that it made what was being said seem even more dark.

"Anyhow, if I was going to jump, I would have done it a long time ago."

He finally snapped, "I didn't think you would be dumb enough to do anything like that." Or brave enough. Because really, Fai had had ample opportunity to kill himself already, the ultimate way of running away that required so much courage, weakness, and utter stupidity combined in one that Kurogane could never figure out how anyone could decide on doing such a thing. But seeing that Fai had not committed suicide, there was no reason to think it would be happening anytime in the near future.

Fai shrugged slightly and stared at him straight in the eye, "Ashura used to worry about that."

That stung, for some reason.

"I'm not Ashura."

It stung, perhaps, because he thought Fai should have known better by now.

And before Fai could say anything else, Kurogane leaned down to kiss him.

Commentary:

(1) Kuzuki Kakyou, resident dreamseer and depressive nut at your service (let me know if you figured out who he was before I got his name in! I want to see how many people recognize him:D). He is a character from X, and has the power to see into the future. After being shot, he's been in a coma for an obscene amount of time (seven years, I think?), and he agrees to join the Dragons of Earth in order to get his wish, which is essentially to die (since he apparently can't manage that on his own). He's rather pessimistic and very fond of water, feathers, and depressing flashbacks, but I do like him despite the fact that he constantly annoys him (it's the prettiness. I can't help myself!). I've seen his last name spelled two different ways, but I usually use this one. Most of the time he's addressed by his first name though, something I find terribly amusing since he seems like the kind of person who would be a stickler for tradition and respect. (laugh)

(2) For those of you who don't know this arc yet, read the next notes. For those who have, I added this portion because I thought it was very interesting how Kurogane and Fai were considered the strongest fighters in Yasha's army, despite the fact that Kurogane cannot kill. For six months, he was at war, but could not kill. I thought this was really something. This is my slight theory on how they were able to maintain such a reputation without forcing Kuro-pipi to kill, and while it's really thrown in and not detailed, it's just a quick possibility.

(3) This stuff, for the people who read the translated manga, refers to a future arc in… volumes nine through eleven, I think, which I call the Yasha-Ashura arc. I won't get into it too much, but during that arc (and this is a spoiler), Kurogane and Fai end up going to the world six months before Sakura, Syaoran, and Mokona. Luckily, it turns out Kurogane can sort of understand the language, so they end up joining Yasha's army. I've always wondered how Fai fared during this arc, especially since he cannot speak to _anyone_, and nobody could understand him if he tried. I suppose it would be like living in a foreign country with absolutely no translating devices, and nobody to understand you. He's unsurprisingly clingy afterwards, in my opinion.

(4) In case, this is Fai's outfit from what I usually refer to as the dragon picture – it's a drawing of the four, all wearing outfits with a dragon design. Sakura's is a white dress with black edging, while the three boyz have their own outfits in respective colors – Fai's is blue, Syaoran's is green (makes sense since his eyes were green in Cardcaptor Sakura), and Kurogane's is red. I've uploaded a picture on my writing journal. You can find the link on my profile. (I would provide the link but I haven't actually uploaded it yet… eheheh.)

This chapter took me a long time to write, and I apologize for that. It wasn't a very easy chapter for me to do this time – usually it's just a matter of sitting down and really writing, but it didn't really work for this chapter. I had a lot of false starts, including a month and a half wasted on a scene that I completely cut out. Originally I had worked in some Tomoyo and Fai interaction, but Tomoyo-POV ended up being redundant so shortly after Syaoran-POV, and when I attempted to write in Fai-POV, it was completely off. There were several reasons for this, one being that I didn't like the way I portrayed the Ashura-Fai relationship, and the second being that it was not fair to Kurogane to let the readers know what was going on in Fai's mind. This is, after all, Kurogane's story more than anyone else's, and so I felt that we need to be on the same page as him, not knowing more.

Knowing that, I added a new scene of Kurogane-Tomoyo interaction because first of all, it felt odd to have an entire scene of just Kurogane introspection, and second of all, I knew it was rather wrong of me if I did not have anymore conversation between the two, especially when considering the relationship they have in the series. Interaction or introspection would have been equally difficult though because in a way, this is retarded development of character. I needed to figure out a way to go backwards realistically – from an angry, somewhat hurt and definitely surprised Kurogane to someone who was able to listen to Fai again, even understand him. And some extreme development for Fai, to stay with a person instead of just running away. It was difficult explaining away enough of the tension in order to get them somewhat level again, especially after everything that had happened.

So with that, hopefully the next chapter won't be so problematic. It's already a bit icky in terms of flow, but flow between scenes is something I can handle better than problems within the scenes, so maybe it won't take quite as long:3 I can only hope!

And thank you to the readers! Apparently we're not supposed to answer reviewers in our chapters anymore (and that's a shame), if you want to establish some form of communication than leave your e-mail with your review, and if you have any questions or something you want me to address, I'll e-mail you. You can also contact me through livejournal.

Thanks!

PM


	6. 6

Sacrifice

Huh, well, hello to you all again. Did you know I just took a gander at the disclaimer for this fanfic, and realized that when I started this fic, it was around volume eight? And now we're at volume twelve? Wow, how time passes, and how my procrastination skills have developed! Eep.

My excuses this time around are finals, family vacation (which equals no computer access pretty much), and minor personal problems. Or you can just substitute laziness for all that, and still be pretty close to the truth of it. X3 But, honestly,I am really sorry about the delay.

Not much for me to say in this chapter, except to point out that it's the second to last chapter. After I finish the next chapter, I'll be moving onto the prequel for this story which deals with Fai's past unless CLAMP goes into it soon and does it to my satisfaction. Then I'll just skip that and move onto the sequel, but I'm rather fond of the prequel so who knows what will happen….

Many thanks to the readers, and to Sahara Storm who on rather short notice took a break from my horrifying Bleach fic to take a gander at this one. :3 Thank you.

* * *

The kiss was awkward and painfully sloppy, but it did not matter in the end. Because it was Fai, and he liked to think that despite how terribly petty the blond could be, he would be forgiven for not being the best at kissing.

It did not, in all honesty, help that he felt like he was being compared with someone. Judged against, almost. And that person was Ashura, someone who had made such an effect on another person's life like nothing he had ever seen before. But the last thing he really wanted to think about was Fai's king, especially now.

Fai was tense against his body at first, the arm crushed between them pushing at him ever so slightly. But then the mage relaxed into his kiss and they stood there, locked into some strange embrace that was definitely better than when Fai had last been trying to prove his resemblance to a slimy octopus.

It was strange that he would be thinking about _that_ at a time like this. Shouldn't he be having some sort of romantic thought, and maybe even figuring out a subtle way of quickly – but politely – getting Fai _out_ of those clothes, rather than thinking of one of the last embarrassing spectacles they had been in? He laughed slightly into the kiss, something that he thought should have bothered Fai but didn't seem to make one bit of a difference.

This thought cheered him slightly.

He needed a bit of cheering. Although the kiss was certainly pleasant despite being imperfect, it didn't keep him from dwelling on what Fai had implied only moments before, and what he had said that had needed saying for much too long. That he was not Ashura, that he was not who Fai wanted him to be if that was the case. That he was his own person, and while he would do anything for the mage, there were some things he could never do.

He could never become a different person.

And because he would never be Ashura, he would never make Ashura's mistakes. He might make the same mistakes, but they would be his own, and they would not lead to the same paths as those that Fai had so obviously traveled in a past that was always there, overshadowing the present and trying to change the potential future.

He broke the kiss but did not pull away, instead allowing Fai to lean closer and rest his head on his chest. The mage sighed, the trapped hand digging into the fabric of his cape as the blond whispered, "No. No, you're not. You've made that perfectly clear."

It took him a moment to figure out what Fai was saying, as if the kiss had happily proceeded to knock out all common sense from his head. But Kurogane was anything but stupid – or that easy to manipulate – and he cocked his head slightly to give Fai a look that the blond couldn't see because those blue eyes were fixated on the ground.

"Is that what you wanted?" he asked. "Did you want me to be him?"

The mage shrugged. "I loved him. Isn't it common to try and mold people into the vision of someone you love?" It sounded almost reasonable but the words were said so weakly that he doubted even Fai believed them, and then the mage was looking up at him and smiling apologetically, as if he had just admitted to some crime. "I suppose you are still angry."

"Yes," he replied flatly. "But that isn't the point."

There was a slight smile on the blond's face, but he didn't have time to think on that because then Fai was saying, "It wasn't good for me, that love. I know that now. But I loved him before any of that, and… for me, he was everything I had in that world. He was everything I had in that life." He shook his head slightly, as if in disgust of himself, and then the smile turned dry. "And when he was gone, I had no reason to stay anymore.

"It's something you could never understand, is it?"

He could do nothing more than give Fai an odd look, although it took everything he had in him not to interrogate further. But this wasn't quite the time for it, was it? And his last questioning had not gone very well, so perhaps later….

_Later._

"I don't think I can ever understand you."

Because there would be a later. He knew this now, without a doubt.

Why, he still could not be sure. What did he owe Fai? What did he owe any of them? Yet they commanded his loyalty, and it was really too late for him to back out when he now had so much invested in all of this.

"I'm surprised you even bother trying," Fai said with more cheer than he obviously felt.

"I shouldn't," Kurogane agreed readily, but the way he now avoided Fai's eyes made them both realize that it was really too late for all of that, and that sobering thought caused the mage to look as if… as if, nothing. He did not know how to describe that look, and he probably never would. Hopefully, he would never have to because perhaps if he did what… what he knew was right deep down, he would never have to see that expression again.

"I'm sorry."

He flinched, uncomfortable with the sudden apology. "What are you apologizing for?"

Fai stared at him, as if in utter confusion on what had just been asked. Considering the idiot tendencies the blond liked to display, it was rather possible if not completely flattering, "I…"

"You don't even know what you're apologizing for?" Kurogane demanded incredulously, and when Fai's face turned to something almost like a pout, he had to resist the urge to bark out harsh laughter. But the next quiet words ended that possibility quickly.

"I can't be the person you want me to be either." When he said nothing, Fai continued, elaborating on his previous statement, "I can never be as strong as you want me to be. You don't want to be attached to someone weak, do you?"

He continued to keep the silence, even after Fai's voice had trailed off and the blond was looking at him almost hopelessly. He supposed he should tell the man that he didn't want to be attached to anyone, strong or weak. Either way, someone was bound to die. Just look at his parents. His father and mother were some of the strongest people he had ever known in their own respects, but hadn't they succumbed to the disease known as mortality? He had been able to stop thinking about them for so long until he had realized that he had something he wanted to protect again. It didn't seem to matter how strong that person was, as long as he didn't fail in his own task.

It was easier to think that way, that he could have control of the situation. But Fai was so flighty, so _unreal_ it sometimes seemed, that he wasn't sure he could ever really manage it.

But either way….

He shrugged, looking over Fai to stare at what had become the night sky. "It's too late for that."

The blond laughed softly, burying a pale face into his chest so that the words came out so muffled that he couldn't tell if Fai was really laughing or not, "I'm sorry."

If he had been a little braver, he might have wrapped his arms around that thin body. Instead, he grunted, "You shouldn't apologize if you don't know what you're apologizing for."

But Fai just mumbled another apology, and he decided that perhaps he was brave enough to put one arm around Fai's shoulders. Since the other was dangling uselessly, he used that one too after a moment, although that was more out of convenience than the fact that he was trying to prove anything. Because he didn't really have anything else to prove. Maybe he couldn't say the words, but he thought that the mage knew without him having to say it. That he – the person who had taken his time to come to the realization that it _could_ happen after all, despite the jokes that ran rampant on how he didn't have a heart – was and more importantly, could _admit_ that he was rather… well, it was suddenly very important that he stay with Fai, despite how ridiculous a notion that had seemed a few weeks prior. Even now, it seemed almost whimsical and so _wrong_, but here, right now, it didn't really seem that way. As illogical as it was, he couldn't talk himself out of these notions, and all he could really do was grit his teeth and give in, and make the best of it for both of them.

It wasn't really that hard, he had to admit. And there wasn't really much gritting of teeth, although he knew that there would be in the future when Mokona found out and started to shriek in joy at the top of its damnably large lungs.

And then he heard the familiar high-pitched sound that announced it was starting, and the babble of voices from the courtyard became louder in anticipation. This gave him only a few seconds to turn Fai around so that they could see the first brightly colored firecrackers burst in the sky, the dazzling display of utter waste and pointlessness somehow seeming a little less so when he looked down to see the stupid grin on Fai's face.

The fireworks weren't quite as good as last year's, or maybe he was just becoming used to their colors. But watching them here, with Fai, felt a little better than it had before.

* * *

He could not breathe.

As he stood there, his sword pointed at the dreamseer's pale neck, it felt as if taking in a single breath would cause him to collapse. He did not know why this was, especially after he had fought for so long to escape the water that he had been plunged into. He could not understand why he could no longer move, now that he had the dreamseer at his mercy.

Perhaps it was because he knew, deep down, that Kuzuki Kakyou did not truly want to kill him. For during that living dream that he had found himself trapped in, gaps and holes had sometimes appeared that allowed him to survive despite what seemed like very determined attempts to kill him. But he knew, better than anyone, that if Kakyou had truly wanted to kill him, he would be dead by now. Instead, the roles were seemingly reversed, but he would not be arrogant enough to think that he had the dreamseer at his mercy.

And if he felt detached from his own mind as he stared at the long blond hair, Kakyou seemed to be unconcerned by the situation at hand. The dreamseer had not moved in all this time, not when the water had swallowed Syaoran, not when the brunet had broken free, not when the sword came to a rest at the back of his neck. He did not even bother to turn to face Syaoran, but those gold cat-like eyes seemed to watch everything by means of the water's reflection.

"I do not want to hurt you," Syaoran said quietly. The sword shook in his hand as he tried to ignore the water dripping from his hair and down his face, a horrible parody of a night when he had stood in the rain because there was nothing left for him. "Please, I do not want to hurt you."

There was no response. The eyes did not even widen as they did before, when Syaoran had addressed him so formally. Instead, they continued to stare at him placidly, simply waiting for him to continue.

But maybe the dreamseer's calm was not ill-founded. Maybe he knew that Syaoran could not do this, no matter what was at stake. In his quest for the feathers, Syaoran had faced monsters, ghosts, armies, and memories. Yet he had never killed another, although he had certainly seen enough of it during that awful bloodshed back on a battlefield in Shurano country, and the screams of the dying still echoed in his nightmares. His private battle with Kurogane and Fai had spared him, for the most part, of having to face others, but how much longer would he be lucky? Would he ever be able to reach that wretched point where he could take another life, no matter how desperate he became? Did he even want to? And what would Sakura say, to know that people had been hurt so she could have what was rightfully hers?

He did not think he could do it. If he could not have killed when surrounded by the insanity that war always seemed to bring, he would not be able to do it now as he pointed his sword at somebody who was not attacking him, even though he knew that the dreamseer was more dangerous than he could have believed. It did not even matter that he knew Kakyou could attack him again. It would not take much for the dreamseer to beset him with falling crystals, or to make sure that he was properly drowned this time around. The fact that it had not happened stayed Syaoran's hand, beside the horrible fear of what would happen if he succumbed to the demands of murder.

"Why does it matter so much to you?"

He blinked, the words taking a moment to register. Syaoran could not be sure of what Kakyou was referring – did he mean the feather, or did he mean this inability to give up a piece of himself to take a life?

Large gold eyes closed, and the dreamseer took in a deep breath. And then those eyes met his, and they no longer looked like a cat's but instead were so sadly human that the sword slipped down to his side. For a moment, he was so lost in this vision that he could not even venture an answer, but this did not seem to matter much as the dreamseer asked, "Does it matter if she does not ever remember you?"

He flinched, drawing back as if physically stung by the words. But Kakyou continued, his words so calm and emotionless that they seemed to hurt so much more, "Would it not be all in vain, to complete your journey but to never have her look at you in the same way?"

Dreamseer, he thought almost hysterically. _Dreamseer_. Was this what Kakyou saw in the future for him, or was it what he was simply afraid of? Had been afraid of for so long, although he tried to keep his fears down as he tackled challenge after challenge, battle after battle, heartbreak after heartbreak.

"Is that what you see?" he asked.

"There is only one future," Kakyou replied. "If that future should be the one where you cannot be even a memory for her, would it be worth it?"

"She would live," Syaoran said after a moment, staring determinedly back into the dreamseer's eyes. He did not bother to raise his sword again, knowing that the weapon would have no use. Beside, there was no reason as the blond had found words that would twist his heart, and one could never truly defend against harsh reality.

Kakyou nodded, "Yes. She would live." He tilted his head slightly to the side. "But is it enough?"

And there was the question that had haunted him for so long. Was it enough? It certainly did not seem to be, as selfish a thought as that was. Because if you did something for another, it was usually because you wanted something back. It might have been for something as simple as the satisfaction of a warm smile, but wants and needs seemed to motivate every action. He had tried not to think about it, that simple question of whether or not it was enough for him that she would live. And when it came to Sakura's life, why would he even have to think on it?

Because selfish, foolish, and idiotic as it was, he could not help but hope that if she lived, they could still pick up on the remnants on what they had forever lost. This hope that they could make something out of nothing was all he had left now, and he clung to it because it kept him alive while battling the world and the demons inside. Although the time witch had told him that Sakura would never remember, and although he had seen this proof for himself, that part of him which made him _human_ refused to believe that this was all there was to it.

She would live, and that meant there was still a chance. It would hurt, not to be remembered in an entire childhood, but it would have hurt so much more if she had died without him doing anything to prevent it. Because he would do anything for her, no matter how much it cost him. Wasn't that what love was all about, in the end? Accepting the other person despite apparent imperfections? If everyone was perfect, they would not need anyone else because there would be no want for anything, and that included other people. But imperfections allowed for people to get close to each other, to realize that there were some people out there that they didn't need to be perfect for. And when they could stop pretending, and simply be themselves, then they knew that someone out there could help make them truly whole.

Sakura would probably never remember him. As the journey progressed, he understood this more deeply, and it hurt so much.

Except then he would remember the look on Fai's face when the blond had realized where they were, a sudden look of crushing defeat despite the parody of a smile that had flitted across his face as they had been sat down to speak to Tomoyo-hime. Because the mage had known that he was going to be losing something precious to him, and seeing that had made him realize without a doubt that he never wanted to get to that point. Not without a fight, at least, even if it was a losing battle as conventional wisdom seemed to say with every step… but he could not help it. She meant too much for him to give her up so easily, and he knew that Sakura herself would not want it either.

He swallowed and for the first time, really seemed to look his insecurities in the eye, "That is enough for me."

Kakyou looked away, staring into the distance. Syaoran could not help but try to follow his glance, but saw nothing through the pitch black. Perhaps there was nothing there, except an excuse and a flitting dream.

"It is fine then, that she should never remember you."

It was not a question, and he did not know what to say. Or rather, he did know, but could not think of a way to do so. More than anything, he wanted to say _No_. No, it was not okay. It would never be okay, to know that the person he loved could no longer remember what he did. But there were things more important than his own happiness, and he was willing to make those sacrifices in order to keep the person he loved alive and safe. Because if you truly believed that this was important, if you _truly_ believed that this was the way, then he was willing to disappear from her life so completely as long as it meant she would be happy.

None of the words came out though because then Kakyou was standing, turning to look down at him. In the thin hand stretched out to him, Sakura's feather glistened with a light of its own. He looked at the feather and then back at the dreamseer, his mouth slightly agape in question.

"I am not of the living," the blond said quietly, as if that explained his actions. All Syaoran could do was gape a little more, although he tried not to be too obvious as it was possible that Kakyou would find it insulting. "But before, there was a girl. She and her twin brother were not of this world, but had crossed over as you and your friends have."

He opened his mouth to ask the dreamseer how he knew of these things, but changed his mind before the words could come out. The time did not feel right to be asking such questions, so he instead nodded and waited for the story to continue.

His actions caused Kakyou to cock his head slightly, as if searching for some sort of insincerity or a sign that Syaoran was not interested in his story. Finding nothing of the sort, he continued, "She found her way into one of my dreams. We spoke, for a time. They were running from someone. She never explained who. But despite the danger, she still took the time to… be with me, and she tried to help me leave this place. But-" he stopped suddenly, blinking slowly as if surprised that he was going so into depth. Then he took in a deep breath, and stared into Syaoran's eyes.

"I would have liked to thank her. I have clung to this life for that purpose." Kakyou turned away, "But it seems that it is not entirely fair for me to do such a thing, living through the means of another."

Syaoran was not sure if he was supposed to say anything, and instead remained silent. Waiting for something, although he did not know what.

"If I give this to you, would you give her my thanks?"

The sudden request was making his head hurt, and he almost wanted to shake his head to dispel the fuzziness that was starting to take over his vision. He squinted slightly, trying to put the dreamworld back into focus, trying to place the dreamseer into some sort of reality. Too much was happening, and for a moment he could only stare at Kakyou's profile before simply blurting out, "But what if I don't see her?"

"You will. It is inevitable that you will meet. You have something in common, after all." (1)

He did not really understand, but he doubted that Kakyou was going to explain. He chose to take those words as fact, and breathed deeply before saying, "I will tell her."

"I would have liked to tell her myself," Kakyou asserted quietly, but said no more of the matter. Cold, pale hands took Syaoran's left hand and without ceremony, dropped the feather into it. As soon as Sakura's memory left those thin fingers, the entire world began to fade, although the dreamseer's words rang clearly still. "I think she would have liked it, if I had told her. But it is too late for that."

Although Kakyou's fingers were still clearly wrapped around his wrist, he could no longer feel the grip as the blond began to disappear along with the dream he had created. Syaoran was finding it difficult to say anything, although he knew that he should, at the very least, thank the man. But he did not know how to say it, or even really understand what Kakyou was doing. It seemed absurd, in a way, to give up one's life for a promise. But he understood that it was something important to the other man, and he could only nod numbly at the words.

Just when he thought it was over, and he could start to faintly see the room he had stepped into but had never really seen, Kakyou said, "She…"

Then he hesitated, and Syaoran thought that perhaps he would say nothing else.

"She cannot be happy if she does not remember you."

And the darkness disappeared and Syaoran found himself alone in a room that would have been completely empty if not for the single person lying on the ground. Thin and pale, with long light gold hair, Kuzuki Kakyou did not look very different from the image he projected in his dreams. But he did not have long to contemplate on that, as before his very eyes, the dreamseer faded from this world as well.

* * *

Syaoran was not sure how long he had stood there, staring at the spot where a body had once lain. It should not have been so difficult to walk out, but he found that really, he simply could not.

It… it was not as if it was the first time something like this had happened. He had witnessed Yasha's death, after all, but at the time it was the subsequent loss of Ashura-ou that had really affected him. Even now, it was rare that he even thought of the other king, often forgetting that Ashura-ou's death had been precipitated by another although he really should have remembered. But perhaps this was why it was more different, standing here and thinking that only moments ago, there had been another person there. Somebody he had fought against, yes, but he had also spoken to the dreamseer and been offered a glimpse into the blond's life. And it did not matter that Kuzuki Kakyou had not really been… alive anymore because to Syaoran, he had been in the ways that truly mattered. The power of Sakura's feathers had offered the dreamseer a few more moments, moments he had tried to use in order to do something that was important to him. But he had chosen to give that up, allocating the all-important task to Syaoran because life was more important than a false one, although understanding that had not made it any easier.

For either of them.

And how many more would there be? Syaoran was not sure if he wanted to think about that. First Yasha, now Kakyou. How many more? It didn't matter that they would have died even if he had not intervened, for without the feathers they would never have lived again. And he would never have had to take that life away from them, and he would never have met Ashura-ou, and he would never have seen the ruler die, or that look of anguish as the realization struck that Yasha really was gone...

But because he never wanted to feel that way either, he persisted in this journey. Even at the expense of others, he would do things for his princess that he might never have contemplated doing for _himself_, and sometimes he wondered if that was really quite fair. For him or those who lost their lives, or even for Sakura….

"Syaoran-kun!"

His head jerked up at the sound of footsteps, eyes looking away from the place where Kakyou had been and darting towards the door instead. And he remembered that past the regrets, there was the person he chose to make the sacrifices for. Now she was waiting for him, searching for him, and he found that he could not keep her waiting. The grief… it would never wait for him to come back, and he could not hide nor master it. Instead, he made it a part of him, another memory that he would carry on because it was not fair if Kakyou should end here, alone and forgotten by all except those who had stumbled into his dreams. It was not the same, but it was all he could do for the blond, and it gave him something to hold on so that Kakyou would not be gone for good.

He took a step forward, but paused. Turning again, he took a moment to bow his head slightly and said quietly, "Thank you, Kuzuki-san." A pause, and then he added, almost desperately, "I will be sure to pass on your message."

In any other person, there would have been a dangling 'if'. _If_ he found the twins. If. But there was none of that, in Syaoran's voice. Because it didn't matter if it did not happen on this journey – if it did not, he would continue until he had found the sister and passed on the message. Because Kakyou had given him the means to continue his own, and it would not be fair to never complete the dreamseer's.

Swallowing, he finally straightened and called out, "I'm coming, hi-." But suddenly the title twisted in his mouth, and he could not continue. He could hear that the footsteps had stopped before suddenly changing direction and coming closer, drawn by the sound of his voice. But try as he might, the last word would not come out because inside, he wanted to give into his emotions and say what he should have.

"Sakura," he whispered, not loud enough so that she could hear it, but it was enough for now. Enough that he could say it, although he could not say it to _her_ still. If ever.

He opened the door, and found himself staring into her worried green eyes. She looked exhausted, as if she had been running for hours, with Mokona cradled in her arms. The magical creature's eyes were half-lidded, and he looked to be in no position to say anything. It did not matter though because Sakura's torrent of words would have drowned out any inanities Mokona had to say anyway.

"Syaoran-kun!" she looked torn between keeping her hold on Mokona or simply dropping him in order to reach for the brunet. "Thank goodness you're okay! When Mokona came back to the palace alone, I had to come looking for you! The guards didn't want to let me out it sounded like you were in trouble and I couldn't just leave you because-"

Her words were cut off as the feather tugged insistently at his hand, causing them both to look down at it. He flushed, quickly muttering an apology as he stepped back, releasing the feather so that it could make its way to the rightful owner. But before it could draw itself into the princess, she raised a hand to stop it.

"Not yet," she said quietly.

Syaoran gaped, and he could distantly hear himself stammer, "But… hime… it would not be wise to let it stray. After the incident in Piffle, you should not."

There was a silence, and he watched as she turned away, unable to face him. It took a moment for her to speak, but he gave her that time because he knew that it would not be right to take this away from her.

"Tomoyo-chan said that tonight, there's a festival. And…" She paused and looked at him, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. "And I wanted to make a memory of this."

She grasped the feather, as if to make sure that it would not suddenly jump into her of its own will, and thwart hers in the process. Or perhaps it was to give her something else to focus on, as she searched for the right way to say what she wanted him to hear.

"I want to make a memory of this moment with you."

Syaoran remembered, later, that this was about the time the fireworks had gone off. He could not remember the precise moment because they had stood there for a while, watching each other as both of them tried to find something to say but could not, and instead relied on the other to break the silence. But then there were flowers blossoming in the sky, and after coaxing Mokona to take care of the feather for them, they had found themselves a place to sit so that they could watch them more comfortably.

He also remembered watching the fireworks reflected in Sakura's eyes, and thinking of how this was truly a memory that she would be able to enjoy later. And he had closed his eyes and smiled, letting himself enjoy this moment of peace.

* * *

It took him a while to realize that he had not told Fai his decision, and by the time he did it was already too late. Because Fai was sprawled on top of him, clearly asleep or at least doing a very good job of pretending at it. And it wasn't quite fair for him to think that Fai would feign something as simple as sleep, but just because he had made some changes in his mentality did not mean he could just trust the mage so quickly. That would take time, and much as Kurogane would like for it to happen sooner than later, he was not about to hold his breath. There were a few things he knew, after all, and one of those was himself.

Still, suddenly remembering that he didn't tell Fai the one thing he probably should have – although really, there were so many things he should have said – made him want to laugh. It was rare that he overlooked major details such as this, but there had been something about the calmness as they had watched the fireworks that had stilled his tongue. And even when Fai had simply climbed on top of him, mumbling something about sleep, he could not draw his eyes away from the sky long enough except to say 'good night'. But after Fai's breaths had evened out he found himself resting one hand on Fai's shoulder. He had not looked down since until he came to his revelation, and even the slight jerk of surprise that he had given did not wake the mage up.

It had seemed so long since Fai had gotten proper sleep, although this might have been because the day had seemed much longer than it really was. And he had no doubt that Fai, being an idiot, had probably let Kurogane's injury keep himself from sleeping during the day that he had been unconscious – after being _dropped on the head_ by that _idiot_ manju bun. Not to mention the way the blond had tossed and turned the night before, and so it was no wonder that Fai was due some rest. He therefore felt justified in not moving as well.

Or maybe he was just feeling as lazy as Fai was, and wanted to go to sleep as well.

That explanation didn't sound quite as impressive, so he simply harrumphed instead. Beside, the logical side of his brain said that they should not be sleeping outside anyway, as it was night and they would get cold. It would not be that difficult to get inside, as inside was only ten feet away or so. Plus, people would _talk_. Not to his face, of course, but the sly little smile on Tomoyo's face would have been enough. He could already feel a vein throbbing at the thought of her expression the next morning, and made himself promise that once he felt like moving, he would carry Fai to his room.

And for a moment, he could only wonder which 'his' he was referring to.

He snorted. "Idiot," he muttered grumpily, although again, he was not sure who he was speaking of. But then he glared at Fai, and one could have assumed that he meant the blond but things were never what they seemed to be, were they? "And I had something important to say to you too."

Fai snored. Kurogane was sure he was being mocked, even if it seemed like the mage was sound asleep. But it was a certain charm that Fai had, and he gritted his teeth at the thought of being teased unconsciously.

Still, although it seemed fairly obvious to the rest of the world that Fai really was sleeping, he decided to make sure of this fact before he embarrassed himself any further. Ignoring the slight blush on his face, he leaned down to whisper roughly in Fai's ear, "If you wake up now, we can have sex on the roof."

He could just imagine Souma's expression if she heard him, let alone if they actually _did_ it. She would probably be torn between anger and amusement, mostly because she was proper but still a voyeur of some sort. He could not learn this for sure – _yet_ – because the only response Fai gave was another snore. A soft one, granted, but he didn't really seem like the type of person who would do such… normal things.

It was surprising how difficult it was for Kurogane to slow down enough to see Fai as an actual person. It just wasn't easy to see the individual who was hidden beneath all those layers, and perhaps that was why he tried so hard to get past the things that he knew should not have been there. He could have been gentler about it, granted, but he was never really that type of person. And pretending to be so would not be fair to Fai, who at least should have the right to know exactly what he was getting himself into before committing himself any further. Like by telling Kurogane things that nobody else needed to know, that nobody else seemed to want to know at times. Because the happy face was enough for some people, and while he wasn't about to begrudge the brat and the princess for not noticing as much as they should – or at least _saying_ something about it – sometimes he wondered if he was the only person who tried to look beyond the few scraps of his personal life that Fai was willing to throw to him. Perhaps it was because he was the only one who just got so _angry_ with Fai's fake smile that he couldn't leave it alone even if he wanted to. The others took the warning that Fai gave, the look that clearly asked for them to leave him alone because he didn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately, Kurogane was never very good at accepting subtleties, and so he just barged right in anyway.

And Fai had let him. Knowing this did not make him feel happy because he knew that there was still a great deal more for them to do before he could know Fai as well as he should have in such an intimate relationship, but it gave him hope that they would reach that point eventually. It was important to know that change could be accomplished, and it gave him a chance to redeem himself slightly. If he even needed to do such a thing, and it was quite possible that he didn't.

A part of him wondered how it was that Fai could sleep so easily, especially considering how he had not told him what he knew both of them wanted him to say. He would have thought that Fai would have acted as if this was good-bye, and it would not be exactly bright to draw them closer together if there would be nothing left afterwards. But then again, perhaps Fai would put himself through that because it might have been better to have something even when there was going to be nothing left, and Fai was starting to get used to disappointment so a little more would not have hurt. (2)

Which perhaps was why he could not leave the blond behind, and if Fai would not stay behind with him then he would go on instead. Because he could not leave the mage when they were finally starting to come to an understanding, when Fai was finally starting to smile like an actual human being instead of a wind up toy that pranced when you poked it but stopped completely when you looked away. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and he was not going to give up everything he had fought for. Not for Tomoyo-hime, not for his home, not for anything when this mattered so much to him. To both of them. Because while Fai would never be able to replace all the things that mattered to him, the mage had instead created a niche for himself, one that Kurogane found he could no longer really live without. It wasn't as much a matter of need than it was an of obligation, and as strange as that sounded he found that it made sense, in a strange way.

Although he knew that if he tried to think about it anymore, it would definitely start to get a little more confusing.

"You know," he said to Fai, or maybe he said it to the night sky because Fai was not awake to hear him. "You know, I had hoped that… when I realized we were here, I had hoped I could show you this place." This place, not space, because all the worlds they had gone to were merely stops on a journey. Some they grew more fond of than others, but in the end, there was nothing really there that attached them to the world. Nothing that really made any of those spaces _theirs_ because they had places of their own. But Fai was running away from that. He had given up his place in order to have all those worlds instead, but did not seem to understand that they would never be his if he could never slow down long enough to let them.

And so he had hoped that perhaps they could have been here, and let this world become important to both of them. For Kurogane, who lived here, grew up here, and went through both joy and heart-wrenching sorrow that he could never forget. For Fai, who needed this more than he did, even though he knew that more than anything, he needed a world where he could just be him instead of a foreigner who would disappear as soon as his task was complete. Fai could not keep running, and Kurogane would not let him.

He smiled, and perhaps he really was speaking to Nihon because he was leaving this world, not Fai. And although he had every intention of coming back, it was always hard to say good-bye.

"We just didn't have enough time." He shrugged, slightly. Not enough to disturb Fai from his sleep, of course, but enough to let him know that it wasn't really important. "But next time, we will. When you're ready."

Because next time, it would not just be for a few days. Because next time, it would not be the beginning. Because next time, it would be their ending point, the place where they could settle down and be accepted for who they were, even if they had trouble accepting it themselves sometimes. He would see this journey to the end, not just for Fai but for the brat and Sakura and even Mokona as well because somewhere along the line, they had all become important to him. It just happened to be that Fai was the one who was more important than his home, and this was a difficult concept for him to admit because he had spent so long dreaming of this moment. Giving it up was not easy, even if he was not truly giving up.

He did not know if it would be worth it, or if there was a value that could even be attached. It was quite likely that there wasn't, that these two things were so radically different that they could not be compared. But he expected, one day, that he would bring the two of them together so that he would not open his eyes in the morning and see his room, and wonder why Fai was out of place when the mage meant so much to him.

Kurogane grinned, and looked up at the sky. And said, to nobody, to everybody, to Fai, and most importantly to himself because he was the only person who could hear it, "I can't believe I fell in love with an idiot."

Fai simply snored.

* * *

Commentary:

(1) I only glazed over this, mainly because I didn't want to have too much focus on this. But if you know the entire Kakyou backstory, you should understand what this is about. If you don't, let me explain, although I warn of spoilers for Tokyo Babylon. The thing they have in common is, in short, Seishirou. Seishirou is introduced in… volume 7, I believe, and he is apparently searching for two people. I've been assuming for the most part that those two people are Hokuto and Subaru, as the three were friends (or in the case of Seishiro and Subaru, something much more than that) in Tokyo Babylon. In X, Hokuto became friends with Kakyou, and learned that he had never been outside before. She tried to help him, but died before she could do so.

(2) This scene originally referred to what would have happened if they'd had sex. During the rewrite that part got cut out, but I rather liked the feeling it conveyed so I edited it so that it would refer to their relationship in general. But originally, mm. Sex. Something that hasn't happened in this entire fic, incidentally enough. How _sad_.

Kakyou is, yay, dead. You would think I'd be less pleased about this seeing that he's my favorite character in X, but he's terribly irritating. Anyhow, the way his body simply disappeared after his death is something I took from the Final Fantasy games. Most significantly, it is something I took from FFX, where the human bodies eventually disappear into the pyreflies. I took this idea because I didn't want a dead body hanging around, especially since Syaoran probably would have felt obligated to drag it out to bury. (sigh) And that might have been a little… awkward when Sakura showed up.

Sorry this chapter took me a while. I'm not going to make any excuses. The next chapter will be the last, and then eventually I will start to get to work on the prequel (or sequel, if circumstances change). I don't see the final chapter taking me too long to write, but that's what I thought about this chapter so I'm not holding my breath.

In other news, I somehow managed to convince Sahara in the previous chapters that Kurogane was going to remain in Nihon. :3 Makes me wonder how many other people I convinced of that, although honestly that was never my intention! I could never break… okay, maybe I could, but… um. Yeah. Ignore me. :D

PM


	7. 7

Sacrifice

Um, yeah. Seriously. This is the end.

I sorta think I should dedicate this chapter to chapter 112 of Tsubasa because one look at it and I was like, inspired. Seriously. Although that doesn't quite explain why it still took me an obscene amount of time to write this final chapter, does it? (innocent look)

* * *

"Did you have sex on the roof last night?"

His eye twitched slightly as he turned reluctantly to face Souma, who was grinning at him as she leaned against the doorframe. Without even bothering to ask for his permission, she casually sauntered into the room as if it was her own, but he chose not to say anything to reprimand her. He had, after all, been expecting her to come, although he would definitely not go so far as to say that he would have been disappointed if she had not. But he had known Souma for as long as he had known Tomoyo, and certain things could be expected after having such a history. Even if it was just a lecture on playing nicely, which he didn't need anyway because Tomoyo had not taken the spell off of him and he would not go so low as to _ask_ her to do so. Especially since he knew that she wouldn't do it anyway.

At this point, he would have preferred a lecture to a question like _that_. For some reason, it was taking a while for the question to sink in so he could even understand what was being asked, but as soon as he figured it out his face turned slightly red. Not enough to be noticeable, of course, because Kurogane was not the type of person who was easily embarrassed, even when such _personal questions were being asked._

He shot her a glare that was clearly meant to skewer her on the spot, but when she remained standing, he finally had to demand, rather hoarsely and most certainly not angrily enough, "What… what the _hell_?"

It would have sounded so much better at a vehement roar, but he was still in shock that she could have asked something like that. Or maybe it was due to the incredibly annoying inner voice—one that sounded conspicuously like Tomoyo—which kept pointing out that he should have been ready for questions like this. It wasn't exactly proper to have spirited himself and Fai away when everyone else was down in the courtyard enjoying the festival, even though they hadn't even _done_ anything. But that last part—the part about what really happened—was the least important part when it came to what the court gossipers would be going on about. As Souma was so lovingly demonstrating, much to his chagrin.

She grinned at him, "Thought so."

He was about to ask her what the hell _that_ was supposed to mean, but then she continued blithely, "I bet you were tempted."

Yeah, well, who wouldn't have been? Everyone seemed to think he was some unemotional, murdering demon—granted, he hadn't done much in the past to dissuade that perception—but could they really blame him? Anyway, it wasn't like it was the same anymore… he couldn't kill anyone unless he wanted his strength drained, meaning that he had to be more selective. In the end, it was probably less the stupid spell that stopped him from killing, and more the presence of the others. Fai might have been used to it, but just the thought of murdering anyone in cold blood in front of the brat and princess… it was just easier not to.

But then again, they weren't here right now, so the only thing keeping him from striking Souma down was that damn spell. "How the hell is it any of your business?"

Souma simply raised an eyebrow and he found himself cringe inwardly. Despite the age difference, they were… he supposed they could be considered friends, although that was not a word he would ever use to describe their relationship. But she understood him better than most people did, and she was also one of the few people he would listen to. Or at least pretend to. And while he had always made it clear that he didn't really care about other people's personal lives and pasts, nobody in his position could ignore the emotional journey Souma had gone through. Remembering Kendappa-ou… he didn't really have the heart to tell her to go away when it was pretty obvious that the only thing she wanted was to make sure that his relationships were well. The fact that he even _had_ a relationship was something more than she had ever experienced. So as irritating as she was, and as certain Kurogane was that somebody must have put something in her breakfast to make her so damn _happy_, he found himself muttering grudgingly, "He fell asleep."

"So you would have?"

His eye twitched again, and the lazy smile she gave him made him wonder angrily why he was bothering to be so… considerate when she wasn't even bothering to appreciate it. "I didn't say that!"

"You didn't have to," Souma shrugged as she flopped down onto a pile of cushions that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, especially considering how he _never_ would have allowed this many cushions in his room. But things had changed in his absence, especially since Tomoyo now had free reign of his quarters without him there to rip up those damn handmade curtains. Not that he would ever really do it, though. No matter how much those things irritated him, he could never be that callous. He had tried once, but either it was the thought of being lectured by Souma (again) that had stayed his hand, or simply imagining how much effort she must have put into making the tablecloth.

It had not stopped him from stuffing it into a cabinet. Unfortunately, Tomoyo had quickly found it and placed it on the small table in the center of the room, its delicate lily stitching peeking out through the gaps between his daggers.

"After all, there's nothing wrong with it," Souma continued, her words barely registering until he blinked and managed to look away from the flowery tablecloth. "After all, you are a big boy with natural urges, and-"

And it turned out that Kurogane was not above throwing things. Several heavy things, as well as a few pointy ones that Souma dodged as if it was just another training session. The cushions, luckily, were not quite as fortunate.

She mock-glared at him, hands on her hips as she said, "Honestly, I'm just trying to help."

"Then help someone else!" He didn't _need_ help. At least, not this type of help. What he needed was somebody to hit him a few times because he must obviously have lost his mind. This was what he had wanted, wasn't it? His world, his _home_. Even though he had established that he couldn't just stop mid-journey, it was still difficult to give this all up when he really thought about it.

What he was intending to do was not exactly the smartest thing to do, if he looked at it logically. His world, his home… the few people he had come to accept… he was willing to leave all of it behind to go chasing after a psychotic mage—well, to be completely fair, it wasn't just Fai's fault. He had a personal obligation to Syaoran and Sakura to make sure they came through this unscathed as well, although there was only so much he could do. There was nothing he could do about that gaping hole in Sakura's memories when it came to the brat, but he had come to respect them enough that he had to help them as he could. The ability to protect someone… he had not been able to save his mother or father, but now there was this.

He fully intended on coming back, no question about that. But there was always the damnable possibility that he would not be able to, and what then? What would he have, except for Fai who always seemed one step from breaking? The others would—could—move on, but no matter how he tried, it always seemed like the mage was still stuck on the past.

But perhaps that was the point, in the end. And it was the crucial difference between the two. Nihon would always be here for him—it was just a matter of him being able to get there—but Fai was a completely different story. If he did not follow, Fai would no longer be there for _anyone_, and that included him and the two kids.

It probably did not bode well that he had fallen in love with an idiot with a propensity for insanity, and allowed the mage to become this important to him. Perhaps more so because there was somebody he cared for that needed his help more than anyone else. Because unlike Sakura's memories, there was something he could do about this. He had no regrets in this aspect. It might not work, and it might lead to nothing but he would be _damned_ if he would let it just pass him by. Fai was too important to him to allow the mage to continue this path of self-destruction, especially since it might just end up taking the brat and princess along with him. Although he knew Fai would never willingly let something like that happen, it wasn't always something that could be helped. And what if it did happen? It would just be another burden for Fai to carry, and for him as well. They both had enough of that to last them a lifetime.

Besides, he knew. He knew that he would be coming back, and not alone. Both of them would be returning, even if it meant he had to break Fai's ankles and drag him all the way back by way of a rope tied around that skinny neck. He knew better than to ever say that last part out loud because Souma would probably make a comment on bondage issues, and he'd had enough of _that_ sort of talk too.

"You're coming back, right?" Souma suddenly asked quietly, as if sensing that the time for jokes had passed. If it had even been there, anyway.

"Yeah," he grunted, not meeting her eyes as he went through his belongings, trying to get ready for the next leg of his journey. He hadn't really been prepared the first time around and now that he knew what to expect, he wanted to make sure that he didn't get caught off-guard anymore. Although there was only so much he could do, considering the crazy worlds they found themselves in. Despite the light-heartedness they approached their travels with—because it was just hard to be too serious when you were traveling via a stupid manju—the dangers they had and _would_ face were very real. And now that he had been forced to realize exactly how important… not just Fai, but all of them (except maybe Mokona, although he had no real choice in the manner seeing that it was their mode of transportation) were to him, he wasn't going to let any of them get hurt if he could help it. "Why, you think I'm leaving for good?"

"It's going to be harder now, since you have something to lose."

He paused in his packing, closing his eyes for just a moment. "I know."

"You'll be bringing him back too, won't you?"

There was something… just something about this last question that finally made him look at her. He wasn't sure what it was, but there was… maybe it was the way she had said it, or simply the question itself. As if there was ever any doubt about it, although it might not necessarily have been his own. "Is that going to be a problem?"

"No, I would like to see him again," she replied, but not really answering the real question. He thought he knew what she was insinuating though, even if he couldn't speak it out loud.

"He's more trouble than he's worth."

She shrugged, "It isn't supposed to be easy. But he makes you happy, doesn't he?"

He wasn't sure if that was quite the right word for it. Fai was… Fai was too frustrating and annoying and psychotic to ever make him feel anything remotely similar to _happy_, but there was still something about him. Something that made Kurogane want him to be… not like this, with the fakeness and all the bullshit he had never had the patience for. If it had been anyone else, he wouldn't have bothered. But this was Fai. And for some reason, it really mattered to him. Was it happiness? He highly doubted it, considering how his usual reaction to the mage was attempts at strangulation.

Souma gave him a strange look, and then said simply, "You make him happy too."

He found it rather difficult to keep a bitter laugh from coming out, "I don't think he knows what happiness is anymore."

"He'll figure it out."

"He better."

Because it hurt. It really did hurt, having to see that idiotic grin that didn't really mean anything at all. It hurt that Fai thought… really _thought_ that looking happy on the outside meant everyone would think he was happy, even though he knew that wasn't true. In fact, it had simply become so irritating that he had become tired of seeing it because… what the hell? He didn't need to have a reason for not wanting to see that type of shit. He didn't _need_ anything to justify wanting Fai to be… he wanted Fai to be happy, and not always looking over his shoulder and waiting for something to take it all away from him. He didn't know what had happened in the mage's past. There was Ashura, certainly, but what had happened to him… sometimes it seemed like it was more than just that. There were so many demons that Kurogane didn't really know where to begin, and sometimes he wondered if he had a right to do so anyway. Because it was Fai's, what had happened. And he wanted to tell Fai that it didn't matter to him, what that past was, but he didn't think that was quite the right way to approach the mess. Because while it was true that he didn't care what was in Fai's past, it didn't quite… well, he happened to care very much what that past had done to the mage. The past could stay in the past, but in this case it wasn't doing that. He wanted to focus on the present, on _their_ future but he couldn't just ignore everything else. Perhaps the only thing he could do was erase the scars , and try to give Fai something else.

Something _worth_ caring about.

"I think," Souma said with a smile, "you'll be fine."

He opened his mouth to tell her that he didn't need her to tell him something as obvious as that—although deep down the gesture was appreciated, but he squashed that thought immediately… not out of annoyance but something suspiciously like embarrassment—only to be interrupted when somebody walked through the door. He turned to face the newcomer sharply, but all his curses and lectures on knocking before entering died when he saw Tomoyo standing on the hand-knit throw rug. She gave him a demure smile that, in typical Tomoyo fashion, still managed to be conspicuously devious.

"Hello," she said cheerfully. "I do not suppose you had sex on the balcony last night?"

His eye twitched once again as behind him, Souma fell to the ground, choking on laughter.

* * *

He did not really have the right to expect anything else.

And to make it worse, he was not sure if he ever did. It was… it was not very clear, what he had been thinking before he had fallen asleep. Although he had really not meant to do that, but the warmth of being with someone else in a manner that really could only be described as intimate… it might have been unfamiliar to Kurogane, but he was more than used to it. He was so used to it, in fact, that he had not realized it was one of those things he had been missing until he had so suddenly found it again.

It had always been difficult to explain his relationship with Ashura, especially to Kurogane. He had not been lying when he had told Kurogane that he… loved? Love? Even now, he could not be sure what it was. Perhaps that was why he found himself running away so often, a distraction for his own thoughts. And if he could not confront his current emotions, how could he be expected to deal with any new ones? It was part of the reason why he'd had to be so wary of Kurogane. The warrior was painfully straightforward that it was almost surprising that Kurogane ended up being so confusing too, but that was just the way it was. He knew it was screwed up, but he was used to that sort of thing. Perhaps that was the most normal thing about their relationship.

But as he dragged himself up, blinking at the empty place beside him in a room that was decidedly unfamiliar (probably the one he had been given by the palace staff, although he had only spent an hour or two there in the end), he wondered if this was supposed to be it. After all, it seemed a tad… anticlimactic to have Kurogane just disappear on him like that, although it was definite preferable to having another row. Nothing the man had said could be labeled as untrue either. It just wasn't quite the truth. Kurogane didn't really understand that sort of thing though, the shades of gray. This was not to say that Kurogane saw the world in only black and white, but he had not yet quite grasped the idea that… there was often more to the picture. Kurogane was very, very good at seeing the big picture, but he was not very good at understanding it.

This lack of understanding had made him feel a variety of things. Old, for one thing. He was older than Kurogane. Maybe he didn't look it, and most of the time he didn't act it, but being around Syaoran, Sakura, and Mokona did not make him feel nearly as old as being around Kurogane did. Those three had energy and enthusiasm, but Kurogane had wisdom belied by a certain immaturity about the way the world worked. Or perhaps not immaturity, but just… not understanding how complicated things could get. Kurogane had been through so much, but he had never been unfortunate enough to get wrapped up in the game of being someone that you weren't. And as horrible as it was to become a part of that sort of thing, it did offer a particular insight that the warrior was missing. He had a feeling that trying to explain this would just lead to a few headaches on both their parts, which was rather amusing a thought considering how many headaches he had already caused Kurogane by this point. It wasn't always deliberate, but a fair amount of amusement could be gained from watching Kurogane twitch. Honestly, if he didn't react so overdramatically, Fai would have absolutely no reason to tease. Syaoran and Sakura let him do what he wanted so he didn't have to bother trying to push the limits with them. Kurogane, on the other hand, was so tightly strung that it was like he was an explosion waiting to happen, almost as if the man was trying so hard to seem stern and proper that it was just so much easier to distract him with those little temper tantrums than to give the warrior long enough to really think things through.

He wasn't, of course, quite stupid enough to think that this would work indefinitely. He had hoped it would work long enough for Kurogane to lose interest, but then the man had the tenacity of the dog that Fai had so aptly nicknamed him for. Kurogane was smart enough to know what he was doing, and smart enough to keep playing along so as to make Fai _think_ that he was winning this game of keep-away. Which was sort of irritating because Kurogane should not have been quite this good at playing, especially considering his personal experience with all these games.

Granted, this one was not nearly as serious as the ones he had found himself engaged in back in Celes. More often than not back then, it had not been with Ashura. But Ashura was always _there_, a part of it nevertheless. It was difficult to explain, and after a while Fai had simply stopped trying to. It seemed that this was the way he approached most of his problems, but Ashura… Ashura was Ashura. A king that he had served, a lover that he had given himself to, a man that possessed flaws just like everyone else. Logical as that last part seemed now, he had still been painfully surprised when he had discovered these flaws for himself.

Maybe he had overreacted.

Sometimes he felt like he wasn't really running away from Ashura, or from a past that had become too much for him to handle because those were things he could do nothing about, really. He could not change the way the system worked, he could not change the person Ashura was. It _had_ all been too much, in the end. He wasn't prepared for it because he was young and decidedly immature when it came to confronting things head-on. He wondered, at times, what he would be doing now if it was not for this journey to find Sakura's feathers. Or even, more simply, what would he be like if Kurogane was not here to make him wonder over and over and _over_ again how his life could have been different _if_.

Where would he be if he had ended up at the Dimension Witch's shop alone?

Regret was what seemed to rule his life most of the time. If he had not acted so rashly. If he had not gone so far. If, if, _if_. When he had left, he had not thought about any of that. First and foremost was to get as far away as he possibly could, and he might have been able to remain in that mindset if it was not for the matters. What was it about them that made him wonder so much what it would be like if he hadn't done what he had? What was it about Kurogane that made him spend so much time reflecting, trying to picture a time where he would not have had to meet any of them? Kurogane was the one who always said that the past did not matter, that it was all about the time. It made it somewhat ironic that his past was the only thing he could obsess about as a result, as well as a theoretical present that he would never experience.

"Fai-san?"

For a moment he debated doing the immature thing and pulling the blankets over his head to feign sleep, but then he realized it probably wouldn't work anyway. Syaoran would know he was awake, and he didn't want to cause the boy anymore problems than he already had the previous day. So he forced himself up (again) and said in as bright a tone as he could muster, "What is it, Syaoran-kun?"

"You weren't at breakfast so I brought you some. Can I come in?" The words were spoken so quickly that it took him a moment to interpret them, and it brought a smile to his face. One that Syaoran could not see, and one that was definitely not meant to be hurtful or mocking. It was simply… something, a feeling that came from the mere familiarity of it all, the familiarity of being within a small group that somehow managed to simultaneously make him forget and remember everything he was trying to run away from. Okay, so perhaps that last part was not really a good thing, but it was also something he was starting to learn to cope with, and it was becoming easier with each passing down.

"I guess I can't say no when you put it that way," he replied, and before he could continue and ask how the search for Sakura's feather had been—although he really did not need to ask because Syaoran was back and that could really only mean one thing, since the boy was really not the type of person to give up on something this important so easily—he was rudely interrupted by the door slamming open. And he immediately knew that there was someone else there because Syaoran would _never_ slam a door. Slamming doors was like some sort of sin to the boy, who was always so polite almost to the point of being painfully so. Didn't the boy ever lose his temper? Even when Sakura was involved, it seemed like there was still a certain amount of restraint in his actions, as if Syaoran was simply incapable of losing control. Or just not allowed to.

But that quickly became the last thing he had to worry about as Kurogane strode quickly through the door, Syaoran at his heels. Kurogane, after all, had no such restraints. He felt a bit of a twinge at the back of his head, although this was not because he was scared of the warrior—he'd had enough of _that_, thank you very much, but the man was somewhat unsettling all the same, especially when considering the fact that he was in possession of a very sharp and pointy sword. One that he knew how to use very much, and Fai had never been very good at swordplay.

Perhaps it was not really… unsettling, but more to do with the fact that he could not squirm his way out of this situation. Kurogane could be distracted, yes, but only to a certain point. And he always got the impression that Kurogane was just humoring him because they both knew that he could not just walk away. It was actually rather irritating to know that Kurogane could see through him so easily, but that was part of the appeal too. That someone could understand him so well even when he was trying to prevent it.

There was a long moment as they looked at each other, although he was slightly distracted by the sight of Syaoran glancing back and forth between them with a very nervous expression, as if he was afraid that they were going to spontaneously combust. Fai didn't really blame him; the intensity of Kurogane's glare was making him wonder the same thing.

"I'll take that," Kurogane suddenly said very pointedly, taking the breakfast tray from Syaoran, who was of course given no opportunity to protest. "You should go check on the princess if you want to leave soon." He felt a slight twist in his stomach when he heard that last part, although Fai was sure not to let any of his discomfort show up on his face.

It was not a suggestion, and even though Syaoran was still looking rather nervous at the thought of leaving the two of them here… alone… but he nodded and backed away quickly, as if realizing that this was not an argument he was going to win. Fai had to agree; he had quickly decided that it would probably be a little much to try and make the boy stay here for a little longer because it wouldn't have worked anyway. Kurogane was very inflexible when it came to this sort of thing.

Which wasn't quite fair because he was really getting tired of having other people decide what he was to or not to do. Even if it was for his own good, it all got a little tiring after a while, as if he was too idiotic to think for himself. Maybe he brought it on himself by always acting silly, but he would have thought he'd proved a few times over that he wasn't really that stupid. Or maybe this was just Kurogane's way of punishing him for keeping up the silly act, although to be truthful it wasn't completely an act. Even he couldn't pretend to be that way all the time. It wasn't quite right, but it wasn't wrong either. It was simply a part of him that he allowed to go a little more over the top now, and maybe it was also the person he just wanted to be because it was so much easier than always being depressive.

Hard not to be angsty with Kurogane glaring daggers at him, anyway. Still, he forced himself to look up and smile, even as he remembered everything in the past few days. It seemed like he had never really had a moment to relax in this world, between worrying about Kurogane hitting his head like that and the fact that this was it. He had hoped, stupidly, for a miracle of some sort to occur, but knew better than to be too optimistic. Kurogane had always made it clear what his goal in this journey was, and Fai was not going to be the one to keep him from it. It wasn't really fair. This was what Kurogane wanted, after all, and at least the man knew _what_ he wanted. It was a decided one-step up from his current position, since he had no idea what he was even doing anymore.

"Are you even awake yet?" Kurogane asked abruptly, causing him to blink. Which was probably not the best way to be answering the question.

"… yes?"

"Because you fell asleep on me." This was pointed out with a slight hint of sulkiness that made a smile tug at the edge of his mouth, although technically he was supposed to be feeling depressed and most certainly not in the mood to be smiling.

"Oh? I don't quite remember that happening." Which was true, of course. He didn't seem to remember that they had even been talking when he had fallen asleep… last he remembered, Kurogane had somehow managed to convince him that going up to the roof was a good idea. He had been amused by the fact that Kurogane wanted such a thing, which might have been why he agreed even though he wasn't sure it was the right thing to be doing at the time. But the guy had been right… it _was_ a place with a perfect view, even if there was a slight worry that he would fall right off. Then, he didn't really think that Kurogane would let him do that, if judging from the firm grip the man had kept on him the entire time.

One that was now being applied to his right arm, although not strong enough to hurt. It was more of a gesture of reassurance, except Fai wasn't really sure what he was trying to reassure him about. "I was trying to tell you something."

He wasn't really sure what to say to that except for, "Sorry."

Kurogane drew back at that, looking slightly annoyed, "I thought I told you that you shouldn't apologize if you don't know what you're apologizing for."

He really did have to smile at that, "You'd be surprised at what I do know."

It was nice to get the best of Kurogane, even though it didn't happen very much and was not nearly as satisfying as it could have been since all Kurogane did was continue to glare daggers at him. And although he knew that it wasn't really possible to kill someone only by scowling, it didn't exactly make it very comfortable to be in such a situation. So he decided to remedy that by asking, "So are you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?" Kurogane shot back.

He rolled his eyes and gave an exaggerated sigh. "What you were going to tell me."

"No."

Fai raised an eyebrow, but there it _was_ already. There it was, the hope, that small, pathetic hope that he knew could ruin the rest of his life if he let it. The right thing to do, obviously, was not let it, but that was okay because he had a feeling that maybe, just maybe, things were finally going to get a little better. He really needed things to get better, after everything that had happened before.

He needed this, despite everything. And so he could not help but prod, "But if you don't tell me now, how are you going to tell me later?"

Because the need to know was more important than anything else. It was difficult, in a way, to allow himself to even contemplate such a thing after having spent most of the morning resigning himself to… well, something else. But from the way Kurogane was acting and the words that were simply _not_ being said… Fai _knew_. He _knew_, although he needed it to be said as well.

Or… perhaps he didn't. As Kurogane reached over, taking his chin in the hand with a pale scar, his mind went unexpectedly blank. He heard a very soft 'oh' in the back of his head although he really could not take the time to really pay attention because suddenly everything seemed rather less important as Kurogane kissed him.

_Oh_.

And he realized, quickly, that it was so simple. Just the fact that there was _going_ to be a later was enough. Just the fact that…

But by that point he was already leaning so deeply into that kiss that it didn't seem to matter anymore.

* * *

Kurogane had always secretly hoped that he would be able to catch Fai so off-guard as to bear witness to the momentous—and decidedly rare—occasion of seeing the mage surprised. Not that horrified look mingled with shock that came up every time somebody alluded to Fai's past, but one of genuine surprise where somebody had actually managed to get the better of him. It was hard to get the best of Fai since the man always seemed to be one step ahead of everyone else, and he was fairly certain that Fai had started to figure out what was going on before that kiss. Still, those sky blue eyes had widened at the gesture before they closed and Fai leaned closer, the arm Kurogane had been holding onto going slack as the tension abruptly left it.

And although it was a very good kiss, by Kurogane's admittedly low standards seeing this was only his third or so, he found himself being distracted by that same surprised look. He decided rather quickly that the gaping dead fish look just did not suit Fai at all, and he would have pointed that out if he had not heard a soft giggle from beyond the door. Fai seemed to still be too dazed to notice, but Kurogane had been trained to listen for signs of unexpected visitors due to the constant assassination attempts on the royal family. A giggle was a bit of a different story, but that was almost like another life. His eyes narrowed as a much louder giggle followed up the first, one that was awfully familiar and in fact loud enough that even Fai was looking over at the door with a slight frown. Although 'even' was probably not giving Fai enough credit. The mage didn't act it most of the time, but he was pretty perceptive for someone who didn't have any clue how to keep his mouth shut. Well, on things that didn't matter, anyway.

"Is that…?" Fai started, but he didn't bother waiting for him to finish before quickly reaching out to grab the mage around the waist. Fai let out an indignant squeak at being treated so rudely, but he ignored it as he tossed Fai over his shoulder and got up, striding towards the door even as the blond asked, "But Kuro-tan… what about my breakfast?"

"You should have eaten it earlier. It's nearly noon, as I'm sure you have noticed by now," he replied coldly and with absolutely so sympathy as he walked as quickly as he could despite Fai's weight. But he'd carried heavier things in his life, and Fai was not exactly that fat in the first place. He was borderline anorexic, in Kurogane's opinion, but maybe that was due to self-starvation due to that pathetic inability to use chopsticks. "You'll just have to wait until we get to the next world."

"Kuro-tan is really mean."

He could feel the perpetual headache coming back on, but managed to bite back the customary retort of telling Fai for the hundredth time _not_ to call him that. There wasn't much point anyway, since Fai never listened. So instead, he merely grunted in response as he pushed the heavy doors open. He would have hit Tomoyo if she had not anticipated the motion and had already stepped back, greeting him with a smile that never failed to irritate him. She must have known that because she merely grinned larger as next to her, Souma straightened and smoothed down her skirt, trying to look prim and proper and so obviously _not_ stooping so low as to be spying on an ally while he was making out with a mage psychotic enough to match all of Tomoyo's many eccentricities. He could feel his mouth twist slightly in a smirk-slash-frown, and the return of his eye twitch. Of course not.

"That's really mean of you too," Fai pointed out cheerfully, to which he responded by rolling his eyes even though the mage could not see due to being so happily flipped over Kurogane's shoulder. He wondered briefly if the blood going to Fai's brain would make him any more coherent than he normally was, but was not allowed to pursue that train of thought any further when Syaoran and Sakura emerged into view. With Tomoyo and Souma on his left, Syaoran and Sakura on his right, and Fai at his back, he suddenly felt like he was being surrounded by aliens. This feeling was heightened when Mokona danced onto Syaoran's head with a squeal of delight, shrieking at the top of its tiny but very powerful lungs, "Kurogane and Fai were kissing! Kurogane and Fai were kissing! Mokona is so happy for you because Mokona thought that you two were being strange with each other but now you understand each other and can stop always trying to hurt each other even though it's really fun to watch Kurogane running around trying to hit Fai with his sword because he never manages to do it but now Mokona understands why this is because Kurogane obviously doesn't want to hurt Fai since he loves him which is why they were kissing and-"

He couldn't help it when he immediately tried to swat Mokona off of Syaoran's head, causing it to squeak indignantly—a sound that was similar to the one Fai had made when he had picked him up—as it jumped onto Sakura's head instead where it _mercifully_ fell silent. He eyed Syaoran at this point, trying to ascertain exactly what the boy might be thinking. He was suddenly finding himself wondering if perhaps he should have first explained to the two the exact nature of his relationship with Fai before the making out, but judging from their expressions neither seemed too surprised by it. This caused him to smile slightly, realizing that he had expected no less from them.

"Will you be leaving now?"

All that happy feelings immediately evaporated as he turned to glare at Tomoyo, "At least I have a choice this time."

"Oh, you're not going to complain about that again, are you?" Tomoyo asked sweetly, her eyes sparkling with what Kurogane quickly labeled the glint of evil. "After all, it seems you've adapted rather well to the situation."

He decided not to deign that statement with a response, not only because it was completely ridiculous but because he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of embarrassing him again, especially in front of so many people. So he chose to glare instead, although it didn't last for long. Tomoyo… both the princesses, in fact, had the obnoxious tendency of bringing out the best in people, which made it very difficult to stay angry at them for very long even when they might have deserved it. Of course, they were the type of people who usually didn't inspire such antagonism in the first place, but in Tomoyo's case she tended to abuse this power to the extreme. She might have had his best intentions at heart, but it didn't make him any less horrified when she turned her attentions towards him.

"Don't worry, Tomoyo-hime," Fai said, even though he was really not a part of the conversation. "Kuro-pipi is just the type of person who likes to hold a grudge. I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by that—ouch! Haven't you dropped me enough times already!"

"Apparently not," he replied, trying not to smirk too much as Fai picked himself off the ground with a pout. The nice thing about it, though, was that after so many months of being in the same vicinity, Kurogane had quickly become immune to such looks. Not to say that he was susceptible to the pout in the first place, of course.

He was saved the bother of trying to figure out the logistics of that as Mokona suddenly jumped off of Sakura's head. He flinched back, afraid that the idiotic bunny was going to try to meld itself into his face, but it merely went up and hovered for a moment before, in the usual overly gaudy display, the circle appeared beneath it as Mokona spread its wings.

The two kids, quickly remembering their manners, immediately turned to Tomoyo and Souma. Syaoran bowed as he said politely, "Thank you very much for your hospitality."

"We're just glad that you found what you were looking for," Souma replied kindly. "You take care, will you? And make sure to let us know if Kurogane is treating you poorly. He has a tendency to be-"

"Stop talking trash about me, Souma!"

Syaoran just looked amused by the exchange, but Sakura really did look like she was ready to stand up for Kurogane when she was interrupted by an over-enthusiastic grab by Tomoyo as the psychotic witch practically shrieked, "You must come back! There are so many designs I can make for you, and together we may even be able to convince Kurogane that always wearing black is just not appropriate!"

"Hoe…."

At this point Fai stepped forward to offer his own words, and Kurogane really had to flinch, expecting an overly long and dramatic conversation on all of his flaws and problems. As if he needed _them_ to discuss it right in front of him, but much to his surprise, the mage simply smiled and said, "Thank you."

"Just make sure to bring him back, Preferably in one piece."

With a quick nod to the others, Fai joined them near Mokona, leaving him with Tomoyo and Souma. He stared at them for a moment, wondering what to say that had not already been said, and finally settled for a rough, "I'll be seeing you then."

"Kurogane?"

He almost didn't turn around to face her, but it was rare that Tomoyo spoke in such a tone. The first time she had used it, in fact, was when he had been dripping blood and had one of her spells through his left hand, pinning it to the stone wreckage of his home. It wasn't the last time she had used it, although it was still a rare occasion, and he knew that he would have to listen to what she had to say. "Yeah?"

"You've changed."

He wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a compliment or not, so he demanded coldly, "How's that?'

Kurogane did not particularly relish the idea of being lectured on such a thing by somebody who was so much younger than him, but there was something about the way she said it that seemed to mean that… it was not really meant _that_ way. It was simply a statement of fact, one that seemed extremely bizarre at the moment. He opened his mouth to respond, not sure if he was going to ask for clarification or simply tell her that she was obviously crazy—something he had told her many times already—but then Mokona had opened its big mouth and sucked them all in, giving him no chance to say anything at all.

* * *

And thus it is done.

It's never really a good sign when you want to scream, "Hell yeah! I'm done!" after completing something, but I find myself reveling in the thought every once in a while. Eheh.

There are a few things I could say about this story, but most of it I've forgotten already. I think it's because it just took me such a long time to write this (the first chapter was posted January 31, 2005!), with so many gaps between the individual chapters that I often had to go back and reread everything just to remember what I had written. Which is strange because… I rather do like this story. It's not often enough that I can admit to something like that, but… I like this story. There were a lot of rough spots but when I look back, there wasn't too much I would change when it comes to the actual writing. So I finish on a somewhat high note, which is to say that I'm happy with what I've done here (despite all my complaining, really).

I'm still having problems believing that it seriously took me this long to write the story, and even more problems believing that I actually managed to finish it. I never really had any doubts that I would finish… eventually… but it took an obscene amount of time. Thanks to everyone for putting up with my erratic update patterns. I really apologize for that.

There are a few people I need to thank for this story. To Cairnsy-san, who was the person who really managed to get me into Tsubasa (someone to blame!), and somehow manages to always give me insight into my own story. And I must also thank Sahara Storm, who has braved my rambling, paranoia, and various other personality quirks that were—_are_, no doubt, highly irritating. Thanks, both of you. I know you've put up with a lot of my shit, and yet apparently did not hold it against me because you've made this story better than it should be.

I've given up on listing my future plans because I can never stick to them anyway. There will be a sequel to this story, one that goes more into the actual KuroFai relationship and involves Ashura as well. This story I consider to be more of a Kurogane story, although the relationship was very important too, of course. I suppose you could say that the sequel will be more of a Fai story, if I can manage to pin him down long enough to cooperate with me. It won't be for a while though, I think, and will probably be subject to as horrendous an updating schedule as this story was. :)

I hope you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading.

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Writing Complete: June 9, 2006  
Edits: July 15, 2006


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